By Karin Vinju
Voice of Freedom
I am the voice of freedom, the whisper of your soul
the one that weeps at programming
the one convention stole
I am the voice that shouts aloud when being told: “You can’t!”
the one that’s being smothered
because it yells: “I want!”
And while I rage against your fears that keep me chained inside
I’m the one that keeps reminding you
of the greatness that you hide
I am the voice that speaks of beauty, of the poetry within
the one that begs you: “Let me out!”
so freedom can begin
I am the voice of freedom, be brave and break my chains
for I can guide you to a state
where only Love remains!
Karin Vinju
Prologue
In the Beginning – and the End – there is All: the Light of Love and Power. Eternity just is. Suddenly, a part of the Light decides to shift into a different state of consciousness. For this part, there is a sense of separation into many particles, and they begin to dream. Through their shift of consciousness, they have created Time – the stretching out of a blip in Eternity. The shock of their separation causes many changes. With their consciousness shift, there is a sudden slowing down of their vibration, and therefore a change in their perception. They can no longer see the Light of Love, and they find themselves in an unknown place, an unknown Universe. They are no longer All, and the realisation that they are separate, small and somehow very different frightens them. They experience a terrible sense of loss. Why did they leave All? Were they to blame for what happened? They fear they may never be able to return to the Light. Never before have they experienced feelings of Fear and Guilt. In their confusion, they don’t realise that the Light is aware that they are dreaming, and there is no need for fear or guilt, as they are held in infinite Love.
Trapped in their dream of separation, they embark on a journey of discovery, a quest for the meaning of their existence, hoping that this will lead them back home to the Light. Desperate for the Love they knew in the Light and feeling lost without it, they try to recreate it, but they cannot recreate Love. Its true essence cannot be reproduced in the physical, although its reflection can be seen in the beauty of the planet they now inhabit. On this planet, which they call Earth, there is a constant reminder of the Light, which they find comforting, and they call Sun. During the dark time, its light is reflected by another planet, which they call Moon.
Feeling deserted, guilty and bereft, they cannot stop reaching for what they really are. Because in their reality they are in a physical dimension, living shells they call bodies surround them, equipped with the ability to create more like themselves, as they are creative beings. This however, brings more and more parts of All into the physical, taking them still further away from their true essence, and starting a long-drawn-out process of life, death – something unknown in the Light – and reincarnation.
They live the dream they have created, always searching for the Love they once knew, unaware that they are dreaming. They don’t realise that all they need to do to return to All they so desperately long for, is to wake from the dream………….
CHAPTER 1
Memories and Dreams
My earliest memory, as a toddler of one and a half, was a traumatic one. My mother had bathed me and my sister Sandra in a large metal tub, and took us into the living room to be dried in front of the coal fire. My sister Bea was asleep in front of it, and didn’t wake up when my mum told her to move. Feeling cold, I went as close to the fire as I could get, and prodded her with my foot. I lost my balance, and fell with both hands against the glass front of the fire. My hands instantly melted to the glass, and while I screamed in agony, my mother yanked me away, while shouting for my other sister Paulien to get a bowl of cold water. I remember seeing my own skin, left behind on the glass. I still remember the searing pain when my hands were dunked and held in the water, dried, smothered in ointment and bound with clean bandages. I had to go through it all again the next day when the doctor arrived, after which my mother covered my bandaged hands with some old grey socks, in which she had cut holes for my thumbs.
I was four or five when I became aware of the dream, waking up crying and screaming in a furious temper. My mother, soft, warm and comforting, would give me a hug and a kiss and send me off to sleep again, saying it was just a dream, and not to worry about it. By the time the same dream woke me up three times in a month, I started asking why I kept dreaming the same thing every time, but my mother and sisters had no answers. They all just passed it off as a bad dream and told me to forget about it. I tried, but it came back time and again. I had asked everyone I knew, but nobody could explain it. I became quite introspective, needing to find answers, and even though I was a happy child, there was far more going on inside than others were aware of.
I dreamt that my mother was at the top of a ladder, which was stood up against a big white house. I was at the bottom, holding it steady for her. Suddenly, from the side of the house, a nasty man came running over. He shoved me hard, away from the ladder, and pushed the ladder over. I was furious, and chased him, but I always woke up before I caught him- spitting mad, screaming and crying in fury.
I had this same dream all through my childhood. It suddenly stopped when I was twelve, which in hind sight must have signified the end of my childhood, because my life changed drastically within the next year, and I was forced to grow up fast.
I was the youngest of six children, all girls apart from my brother, who was the eldest. My father had died of a heart attack when I was still a baby and my brother left home when I was only two, so I was brought up in a house full of females. I had a lovely, unspoiled childhood. I always played wild games outside with my friends, in the woods, the park, the sand dunes, or on the beach. If my friends weren’t around, I would go out alone on my bike, and explore parts of the town and surrounding countryside. With my short hair, and my tall, skinny frame dressed in jeans and a jumper, I usually passed for a boy. This helped when, aged eleven, I asked the fishermen if they needed help when they brought their nets in. My mum used to ask where I got the bags full of fish that I used to bring home. I told her I had helped out on the fish market, and was given the fish as payment, which was very nearly true. I knew she wouldn’t have allowed me to be around the fishermen if she’d known, but as we had a large family, she didn’t have the time to worry about where I was, or what I was up to all the time, and I thoroughly enjoyed my freedom.
My mother was very religious, and brought us up strictly according to her religion. When I was about twelve, I asked one of my sisters what periods were. She was embarrassed, but explained that it was something that happened to all girls once a month. I could never have asked my mother a question like that. Sexually, we were very much kept in the dark, as all my mother would say about it, was that “that was dirty and only happened when people were married”. Men were rarely spoken about at home, and I was totally ignorant about men and sex.
I was raped by the first guy who took me out. I was only thirteen, (he was eighteen) and I had no idea what he was doing. I only tried to fight him off because he was hurting me, and didn’t realize what had happened until afterwards. I was confused, mortified and ashamed, but somehow managed to keep my ‘dirty secret’ from my mother, whose view on rape was that “these girls asked for it because they flaunted themselves”. Lucky enough, she was too busy to take much notice of me at the time, because we were moving to another town shortly after.
I realised much later that the childhood dream that I had had repeatedly, had been a warning about the situation I would find myself in as a teenager. The ladder was symbolic for the pedestal I had put my mother on. The house we moved to was white. The nasty man was to be my stepfather, who shoved me away and pushed my mother off her pedestal. I wasn’t concerned for her because she had turned her back on me. The absolute fury I felt for not being able to catch him, was because he came between me and my mother and would physically abuse me for years and I was unable to do anything about it.
Another example of being ‘warned’ of what was going to happen was when I woke up frightened one morning, aged fourteen. I couldn’t remember dreaming, but I was certain that my mother would have a car accident that day. I went downstairs in my pyjamas and found my mother in the kitchen preparing breakfast. I asked her not to go out in the car because I was afraid that she would have an accident. She laughed, and told me not to be so silly. I took hold of her hand, telling her I was serious about this, because I knew she’d have an accident, and I was trying to warn her. She said I must have had a bad dream, and told me to go and get dressed, or I’d be late for school. I refused, pleading with her, trying to convince her that she was in real danger, but she wouldn’t listen, and told me to get ready for school. In the end I gave up, but by the time I was ready for school it was too late to cycle there, and she gave me a lift in the car. She had planned to visit my sister, so she dropped me off on the way, and gave me money for the bus home.
I couldn’t concentrate at all that morning, and in the middle of my history lesson cold shivers of fear suddenly rushed up my spine. I just knew that my mum had had the accident. I ran out of school, got on the bus that luckily had just arrived, and bit my nails all the way home. As soon as we came near the house, it was obvious that something had happened. Two police cars blocked the other side of the road, a bus was half way in the road, and my mother’s car was being towed into our drive. As soon as the bus stopped, I ran across the road and into the house, looking for my mum. I found her sitting in the dining room. She had a big bump on the side of her head and a badly bruised arm and leg. Looking up, she was confused to see me, and asked what I was doing home. I was in tears by then, because I had been so scared for her, and angrily told her that I’d warned her that this would happen. Why hadn’t she listened to me? She just looked at me, not saying anything. She had been turning into our drive when her car had been rammed by the bus, coming from the other direction, which she hadn’t seen. She’d been extremely lucky to escape with bruising. The accident had happened at exactly the same time as I’d felt it and ran out of school.
All through my early life I had similar subconscious warnings, which always came through in dreams. Much later, once I’d learned to meditate, and managed to bring them into consciousness, the dreams more or less stopped.
Experiencing Hate and Love
The day we moved, when I was thirteen, it was quite a shock to be told that my mother had found herself a man, and that he was moving in with us. I had been too caught up in my own little world to realise that he had been around for a while by then.
My step-father-to-be turned out to be a sexual predator, although I was too naïve to realise it even then. He was constantly watching me, and would ‘accidentally’ walk into the bathroom and even the toilet every time I was in there, making me feel invaded and intimidated. The locks were always broken, but he always ‘planned to fix them tomorrow’ – only tomorrow never came. When he walked into my bedroom while I was getting dressed one morning, I had had enough, and told my mother. Her reaction however, only confused me at the time. She told me not to be so stupid. He was there for her, not for me. She must have had words with him however, as his intrusions into my privacy stopped. Whereas he had been overly nice to me before, from then on he was nasty, provoking and hitting me at every opportunity. My mother allowed it, believing every word he said, and turning her back on me, telling me I had brought it on myself, as I “ought to listen to my father”.
I went to see our GP when I was fourteen, without my mother’s knowledge, because the beatings had become a daily occurrence. I spent most of my time crying, and couldn’t stop myself. In tears, I told the GP what the situation was like at home, and that I couldn’t cope. I also begged him to please keep this visit from my mother, as it would cause a lot more trouble for me if she knew. We lived in a small village, and my mother and stepfather were looked upon as good, God-fearing folks, and upstanding members of the community. They would never forgive me for ‘hanging out the dirty washing’, and I knew I would suffer for it. Not only would I have been publicly humiliated and called a liar, but the abuse would have been worse than ever behind closed doors, and I couldn’t cope as it was. He promised he wouldn’t involve my mother, and said that I should talk about my problems as much as possible to my friends and the rest of my family. Then he gave me a prescription for valium tablets, and I left.
My stepfather’s favourite places to hit me were my head and my breasts, as it wouldn’t be easily noticed. A couple of times he forgot himself and hit me in the face, resulting in a black eye at one time, and a fat lip and cheek the other, which were of course noticed at school. When my friends and the other kids asked how I got them, I would just answer that my stepfather had done it, and that it was a regular occurrence. They never knew quite how to react to that statement, and usually left it at that, which was exactly what I had hoped for. I didn’t want my home life to spill over into the time I spent at school. At school, with my friends, I could relax and be myself, and it had become the only place where I had no problems. I wasn’t going to lie about what happened at home, but I wanted those parts of my life to stay as separate as possible.
I had tried taking the valium the doctor had prescribed for about two weeks, but found that I was very vacant and couldn’t function properly, which didn’t help with my school work. Nobody noticed at home, as I spent as little time as possible there, so instead of taking six tablets a day, I would only take two, one just before I had to go home, which helped me not to react to my stepfather’s goading, and one to help me to sleep.
The bruises on my face hadn’t gone unnoticed by the teachers at school either, and one day I was asked to have a chat with my class tutor who, in a circumspect way, broached the subject. I told him the truth of what was going on at home. He was horrified, and suggested involving the social workers, but I was worried that it would just cause even more problems. In floods of tears, I told him that I had already lost my mother’s support, and I was afraid I would lose her love altogether if I brought in people from outside. He realized I wasn’t ready to take it further, so he said that I could come and talk to him at any time, and asked me to think about his suggestion. I was very grateful for his support, and went to see him regularly for a while.
The abuse escalated once they were married, when I was fifteen, to the point where my stepfather hit me with a fence cutter and permanently damaged my back (although I didn’t know it then), while my mother stood by and watched without stopping him. I escaped the house, and cycled all the way to my sister Martha’s house in the larger town nearby, in agony. When I arrived and told her what had happened, she took one look at my back, and got straight on the phone to my mother. I had never seen her so angry. She yelled and shouted at my mum, who denied that she had allowed my stepfather to hit me, and told her that I was making things up. My sister slammed the phone down, and told me not to go back. I could stay with her. The next day we went back together and collected some of my things. There was a big row downstairs, while I was upstairs packing. Of course my mother and stepfather denied any wrong-doing, called me a blatant liar, and refused to let me stay at Martha’s. They point blank refused to give her any money for my keep. Martha gave up in the end, as they wouldn’t budge, and took me back to her house. I loved living at Martha’s, but as she was living on benefits, it was very difficult for her to make ends meet. After a year, she suggested that I tried living back home again. Within days of me moving back in, the abuse started again.
Although I had had to grow up fast and learn that there were nasty, awful people in this world, who could make my life hell, I also found people who were the total opposite. I got to know my first proper boyfriend when I was nearly sixteen. I met him at a coffee bar in town, where I used to hang out with my friends after school. It wasn’t officially a youth centre, but everyone I knew used to go there, to chat and play games. There was a very laid back atmosphere, and as it was at the back of the cemetery, off the beaten track, it was the perfect place for teenagers to hang out.
I met him on a beautiful sunny day, while sitting just inside the cemetery with my friends. We ended up chatting for hours, and became firm friends. He was eighteen, and different from the crowd, not only because he gave me a lot of attention, but also because we could talk about anything. When we started going out, he was kind, gentle, protective, and most of all, patient. I think he sensed that I had not had a good experience with men, as I was very uncomfortable when we spoke about sex, and never joined in with the larking about that went on amongst my friends. He never put any sexual pressure on me, and waited patiently until I was ready. Because he was so loving and gentle, he made me feel totally safe in his arms, and I managed to forget my first awful experience. I slowly learned to enjoy a loving sexual relationship. He also had a very loving and supportive mother, who accepted me as her own. I have always called her my foster mother, because she was my greatest example of what a mother should be, and showed me the love that my own mother didn’t. She comforted me when I came to her house after rows and abuse at home, and listened when I needed to talk. She also stopped her son from going to my house in a furious temper and attacking my stepfather because of the bruises he saw on my body, knowing that there was a better way to deal with it. She suggested that I got help with the situation at home, as my school tutor had done. By then, I had at last accepted that there was no way to salvage my relationship with my own mother, and I followed her advice. She came with me to the social workers, and with her support, I managed to tell them about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my stepfather. It took a lot of courage because I was very embarrassed, but I showed one of the ladies there my severely bruised breasts. She was outraged. Two of the social workers came to the house the following day and confronted my mother and stepfather, who of course denied all knowledge. They were told that there would be criminal charges made against them both if it ever happened again. That was when the abuse finally stopped. I was nearly seventeen.
A Very Dangerous Experiment
As mentioned, I was brought up strictly religious, and mostly unaware of what went on in the ‘real world’. I rebelled against the religion and the associated hypocrisy by the time I was fourteen, and refused to go to church. However, because of my upbringing I was exposed to far greater dangers than most other teenagers, because I was so totally ignorant, and I had to learn everything the hard way. Combining this with the trouble at home, and the rebelliousness of any teenager, you can imagine what I was like at fourteen. I smoked and binged on alcohol and cannabis, as a way to hide from my problems, but probably also because the only thing my mother would say about these things was: “Don’t you dare!” Now to a rebellious teenager that meant that it had to be something exciting, so I would experiment with just about anything. It was one of those experiments that scared the living daylights out of me. I hope that anyone who reads this takes it to heart, because it is extremely dangerous, and should not be experimented with by anyone who wants to hold on to their sanity. As with so many other things at the time, I had no concept of what I was getting into, as I had never heard of this ‘game’, or what the consequences of ‘playing’ it could be.
One day when I was just fifteen, my sister Sandra, who was sixteen, told me about a game she and her friends had played at school. She said it was great fun, and that she wanted me to play it with her that evening, when mum was out. I asked her why we had to wait until then, but she acted quite mysteriously, and I gathered that it had to be something our mum would object to – usually because the church said it was ‘the work of the devil’. So that evening, once we were alone, I asked her about this game that was so exciting. She said it was a way to contact the dead, and that she wanted to try to speak with our father, who had died when we were babies. She started by laying out the letters of the alphabet in a circle on the table, with ‘yes’ and ‘no’ at opposite sides of the circle. Then she put a glass upside down in the middle, and told me to put my index finger on it, while she did the same. She told me that this was a simplified version of the Ouija Board. I had no idea what that was, or that it could be dangerous. She had obviously played it before and thought it was great, so I didn’t think anything of it.
Sandra started by asking if there was anyone there. Nothing happened, so she repeated the question. She asked three times without result, and I was beginning to think she was having me on, when the glass suddenly raced over to ‘yes’, so fast that my finger nearly slipped off. My sister accused me of pushing the glass, which I denied. Why would I have done that when I had no idea what was supposed to happen? She said that when she had played with her friends, the glass had only moved slowly, so I must have pushed it. I told her that I hadn’t, and if she didn’t believe me she could carry on playing on her own. I didn’t like this game anyway. I had started to feel very uncomfortable about it for some reason, and by then I was mainly playing it to please her. All my curiosity and excitement had somehow evaporated. I think she must have realised, because she said she was sorry, which was highly unusual for her. So we carried on. This time, as soon as she asked the question, the glass shot over to ‘yes’. It somehow made me feel very apprehensive. Sandra continued, saying that we wanted to speak to our father, giving his name, and asked if he was there. The glass raced over to ‘no’, and the hair at the back of my neck suddenly stood on end. Sandra was obviously enjoying herself, and asked if our father wasn’t there, then who was? The glass had started to spell out what I presume to be a name, when I suddenly felt utterly petrified. I jumped up and ran out of the house. The fear that gripped me was so strong, that I didn’t think of anything but getting as far away from there as possible. I had always been terrified of the dark, but I ran out into the field behind the house, where it was pitch black. I must have run at least fifty meters away from the house, when I broke down. My legs turned to jelly and I fell down and cried like never before. I had never been so scared in all my life. I couldn’t explain my fear, but I knew I had just escaped ‘by the skin of my teeth’ from something terribly evil. I lost all track of time, and couldn’t make myself go back.
My sister eventually came out with a torch to find me. She was cross with me for running away, and probably afraid our mother would come back and catch us out, but when she finally found me, in tears, she helped me up and took me back to the house. I was shivering with fear and the cold, but I couldn’t go back in. Assuring me that she‘d cleared everything away, she finally managed to persuade me, and we sat down in the living room. She asked me why I had run out like that. Obviously, she hadn’t felt the fear I had felt, and was confused by my reaction. I asked her if she hadn’t felt anything when the glass had shot over to ‘no’, and she said she hadn’t felt a thing. I tried to explain, but it was useless. To her, things had just started to get exciting when I suddenly ran away as if the devil was after me. Considering the fear I had felt, that wasn’t far from the truth!
Looking back at that experience, I realise that I was extremely perceptive even then, unlike my sister, who obviously wasn’t. There was nobody I could ask about it or to explain any of it, and it had frightened me to the point that I wanted nothing more to do with anything paranormal, or anything else that couldn’t be rationally explained. Somehow, even my dreams stopped. Little did I know that it was my own ’paranormal’ ability that would, years later, take me further than I could ever have conceived of………
CHAPTER 2
Moving on
I finished school the summer before I was eighteen, and with the help of my foster-mother, I managed to find a flat in town shortly afterwards. I had lived with her for about six months, but as things between my boyfriend and I had deteriorated, I was pleased to have my own place. Although I still loved him, I finished with him not long after because I found out he’d been with another girl. We managed to stay friends, and I still visited his mum regularly, but I couldn’t be with him after that.
I had become a singer in a band, and made a lot of new friends by the time I was eighteen. The band was doing well, and with the help of a new manager, we had quite a few gigs lined up. The most important of these was a performance in the Concert Hall in town. We were all nervous and excited, as it was the largest venue we had ever played, but we pulled it off well. The next day there were rave reviews in the local paper, and our manager told us that his phone had been ringing non stop. Suddenly we were recognized wherever we went, and everyone treated us as friends. Being the only girl in the band, I enjoyed a lot of attention, which didn’t go down well with the male singer, who had been one of the founders of the band and was one of the main song writers. Although it was unintentional, I was stealing what he considered to be his limelight, and he became quite nasty towards me. In the end, behind my back, he gave the rest of the band an ultimatum – either they chucked me out, or he was leaving, taking his songs with him. Everyone was up in arms, especially our manager, who did everything in his power to keep me in the band and stop the rift, but to no avail. The female vocals were scrapped, and so was I.
A few weeks later, a friend and I were having a drink in a bar, enjoying the performance of a small English band, on tour in my country. Before their break, they apologised for not sounding quite as good as usual, because their female background singer had had to go home due to a throat infection. The friend I was with, who had had quite a few drinks, suddenly stood up and shouted that I should be their singer. I was quite embarrassed, as I never would have put myself forward like that, and pulled my friend back into her seat, telling her to be quiet. They had of course heard her claim, and asked me to come and see them in their dressing room. I decided I had nothing to lose, so I did. They asked me to sing a well known song, and must have liked what they heard, as they asked me to tour with them for the coming week. I accepted happily, and was on stage with them that same night. They were a lovely bunch of guys, and although there was no money in it, I was doing what I liked best, and knew I’d have lots of fun.
That week was totally manic. We had gigs lined up in a different town or city every night, and we were constantly on the road, sleeping in our seats in the van, or cheap bed and breakfast places along the way. We worked hard and played hard, and were usually either half drunk or stoned, as well as exhausted, but we were having the time of our lives! At the end of the week we said tearful goodbyes as they left to go back to England, and I went back home.
It was boring being home again after having such a wild and wonderful time, and I planned to go on holiday to England to see my friends as soon as I could. I saved obsessively to be able to go by the time summer came.
A few months later I started having problems with pains in my back, which seemed to radiate down my right leg, making it agony to walk some days. One morning, the pain was so bad that I could hardly stand, leave alone walk. I stayed in bed for the day, hoping that rest would do it good, but it only seemed to get worse. The next day I could hardly move at all, and realising that I needed help, I phoned my foster mother. She was out for the day however, and my ex-boyfriend answered the phone. We had managed to stay good friends, and I told him what the problem was. He came to see me soon after. I’d made an appointment to see my GP, who told me to come straight over, so he drove me to the surgery, waiting to take me home again afterwards. The GP examined my back, and asked if I had had an accident of some sort. I told him that I hadn’t, but that I had had some problems a couple of years before. I didn’t want to go into detail about the problems at home, but thankfully he didn’t push me for details. He phoned the hospital, and asked if they could fit me in that day as an emergency case, which must have been confirmed, as he told me to go straight there.
Within half an hour of seeing a specialist, I had had X-rays taken, and I was in the plaster room, being put in traction to straighten my back, and having a plaster corset put on from my chest down to my groin. The traction was total agony, but I felt a lot better once the cast supported my back, and I was out of traction. The specialist had told me that I had slipped several discs in my spine, due to the damage I had sustained, and that my muscles had gone into a severe spasm trying to correct and support my spine. He also told me that I would have to wear the corset for a minimum of six weeks, and that I would be extremely lucky if I wasn’t in a wheel chair by the age of forty.
I was quite depressed, as I thought it would spoil my plans for my trip to England. However, a few days later I felt so much better that I decided to go anyway. I had thought that I wouldn’t be able to move around freely with the cast, but it was quite comfortable, and totally relieved my back pain. When I tried on my back pack, I found that it rested on the cast, and didn’t cause me any problems at all. I could please myself, as I was travelling alone, so I booked the trip for a few days later.
New Experiences
I arrived in London on a beautiful morning in July, feeling tired but very excited to be abroad, in a big city and all on my own. I found a youth hostel, and had a wonderful time exploring London for two weeks, before my money ran out. I had bought an open return ticket, so I could go back home at any time, but I enjoyed being in London and living at the youth hostel so much, that I decided to ask if there was any work available. I was lucky and got a job as a painter and decorator. There were three of us, and apart from a few visits from the owners, who seemed happy with our work, we were left to ourselves. We had free board and lodgings, lived in the staff quarters, and although the money wasn’t fantastic, we had no expenses. With lots of friends, parties every night, and London’s night life to boot, I was having a whale of a time!
My friends from the band lived in different parts of London, and the only telephone number I had was the drummer’s, as I’d had a bit of a fling with him. When they left he had given me his number, but as he did so, he told me that he had a girlfriend who lived with him, and to be careful not to let on. I was in two minds whether or not to ring him because of this. I was having such a great time, that it didn’t matter that much. One day, while exploring Portobello Market, I walked into a shop, looking at some boots I liked. Suddenly, I heard a voice behind me that I recognized and turning around, I came face to face with John, the manager of the band. We were both absolutely speechless, as neither of us could believe we’d met, just like that, in the middle of London! A small world? You’re not kidding! We were very pleased to see each other, and after a short chat, John asked me to come out with him that Saturday. I happily accepted. We had a great time, and came to a very pleasant arrangement. He needed a pretty girl on his arm when he went out for business, no strings attached, purely as friends. He would pick me up and bring me back, and pay all expenses. For this, he only asked that I was well turned out, showed an interest in what he said and did, held his hand or arm, and left with him at the end of the night. I suspected that he was gay, but it was never an issue, as we had a great – purely platonic – time together. For me, this was the perfect opportunity to see the best of London, in very good company, and enjoy the night life. He took me to the best venues in town, mainly to see the performances of the bands he managed. He often took me with him for business meetings as well, which usually involved expensive meals and drinks in some of the best restaurants and clubs. We also met up with the other guys from the band I had sung with. It was a very happy reunion, and we had a great time, although they were in different bands now, and the tour was just a happy memory. There were some curious looks because I was ‘going out’ with John, but none of them asked, so I didn’t tell. It was obvious that we’d all moved on, and I had peace with that. I never saw them again. John and I carried on with our arrangement all the time I lived in London, and had a great time.
After a couple of weeks my work in the youth hostel was finished, and the owners offered us a different job; we would be handing out cards at the main railway stations, advertising their three hostels. The work was easy, the money was better than before, and we still had free room and board. There was just one little snag. We would be breaking a minor by-law, and if we were caught by the police, we’d be fined, but they would pay any fines we accrued. Of course, it would be better if we could avoid getting caught.
To us, it was an adventure and a challenge to dodge the cops, and if we did occasionally get caught, our employers always paid. After a few days we were well known to the cops, and they would ask us for our cards as soon as they spotted us, but we didn’t get fined unless they caught us handing them out. One day, we were sitting in one of the station cafés when two cops came in. One was an older man, a real misery, who used to take pleasure in treating us like criminals. The other was young, and obviously new to the job. They came straight to our table, and demanded we give them our cards. We had cards in every pocket, so they made sure we emptied all of them. Although I had emptied all of mine, I was still smiling, and the young copper suspected I had more stashed away somewhere, so he told me to hand over the rest. Looking innocent, I asked where on Earth he thought I could have stashed them, opened the top of my blouse while bending forward, and asked: “Here?” He turned a bright scarlet, and looked away. We all laughed at his embarrassment, and they soon disappeared. Little did he know that if he had had the guts to look, he would have seen a big pack of cards, stuffed into the front of my plaster cast, which had become too wide by then, as I’d slimmed down.
Six weeks after I arrived in London, I went back home to have the plaster cast removed. I also gave up my flat and distributed all its contents amongst my friends. The decision to leave had been an easy one, and I was excited about the future, so I said goodbye to the people I loved, and returned to England. I arrived back in London with my back pack and a suitcase which contained everything I owned. I had discovered a taste for travelling, and I was going to stay while ‘the good times rolled’, and worry about where I was going after that afterwards.
One dream I had always had was to go to Australia, and I decided to start saving for the trip over there. In order to earn more money, I joined a modelling agency, and had a portfolio done. As soon as one of my Australian friends from the youth hostel saw the photos, he told me that his uncle ran a modelling agency in Sydney, and that he could phone and ask if they might have work for me. I was very keen, as it would be a way for me to start earning money as soon as I arrived. He made the call, and his uncle told him to ask me to send some photos, which I did the next day.
In the mean time, the young copper from the railway station had asked me out on a date. I had laughed, and asked him if he really wanted to take the risk that I might embarrass him again. He had blushed at that, but assured me that I had only taken him by surprise that time. I decided I liked him, and said yes. So we started dating, and I soon realised that he was head over heels in love with me. I didn’t feel the same, but we got on very well, and when he asked me to meet his parents, I went along to please him. I didn’t realise it at the time, but it should have shown me how serious he was about me. My head was too full of dreams of travel and Australia. I’d been offered some work by the modelling agency, but as I was expected to go nude for the assignment, I refused. I had told them at the start that I would be happy to model underwear or swimwear, but wouldn’t do nude. They never offered me another assignment, and after a month, I was still waiting to hear from the agency in Australia. My time in London had been great, but I was ready to move on.
The young policeman and I were getting on very well, and I had enjoyed meeting his parents, who had made me very welcome. We stayed with them over night a few times, and I started feeling part of a family again. I soon realised how much I had missed that feeling of belonging, and after a couple of months, when he told me he owned a house in Southend, and asked me to move in with him, I accepted. I hadn’t heard from either modelling agency, and my focus had changed. I was ready for some stability. We did very well together, and got engaged a month after we moved into the house in Southend. A few weeks later, I received a letter from Australia, sent on by the youth hostel, offering me work as soon as I could get there. I felt gutted, but I’d made a commitment and couldn’t go back on my word.
We got married when I was nineteen. My family and friends all came over for the wedding, and we had a wonderful, happy day. Our wedding photographer had added to it, by offering me work as a model, and kept me busy with several assignments. Two years later Britain had gone into a recession and the photographer lost his business. Sadly, the good times couldn’t last forever.
First Light
By the time I was twenty seven, we had two little girls aged five and three that meant the world to me. We had a lovely big house in Croydon, and I had a promising career in export sales. However, the lovable, kind man I had married had somehow turned into a manic depressive, and a paranoid, violent alcoholic. He had left the police force years before, because he could no longer cope with the nasty side of the job. He’d found a good position in sales, and was obsessive about money and property. He was extremely demanding of my time and attention, especially when he felt depressed, when he would expect me to talk to him, and pull him out of his pit of despair. I usually managed to do this, but it left me totally drained, and meant that I couldn’t give my girls the attention they needed, which always upset me. He would feel much better, and go to the pub to celebrate, and then come back with his friends late at night, and party until the early hours.
He was extremely possessive of me, to the degree where he would phone me a dozen times a day while I was at work, just to make sure I wasn’t ‘up to something’. I had done nothing to warrant his fear of losing me, but no matter how often I told him this, it made no difference. In the end it got so bad, that he wouldn’t let me go anywhere apart from work unless he was with me. When he‘d been drinking, he often became very violent towards me, and deny that he had the next day.
One evening a friend of ours was having a birthday party, and had invited us both over. We didn’t have a baby sitter, but as it was a friend’s party, my husband made an exception and we agreed that he would go for the first couple of hours, and I would go for a couple of hours once he’d returned. As I had expected, given his love of alcohol, he didn’t return when he was supposed to, but two hours later. Let’s say he was ‘well oiled’. Thankfully, he was in a good mood, and didn’t make a fuss when I left to go to the party. I had a good time, and after the party our friend walked me home, to make sure I was safe.
When we arrived at our house, my husband opened the door, and without saying a word, tried to punch our friend! Luckily he missed, probably due to the amount of alcohol he’d consumed. He was very abusive and dragged me into the house, slamming the door in our friend’s face. He started hitting me, accusing me of all sorts of things I was supposed to have done, and no matter what I said, he wouldn’t listen. The girls had woken up from all the commotion and stood at the top of the stairs crying. I tried to stop him, but to no avail.
Suddenly, he was strangling me, sitting on my stomach, pinning my arms to my sides with his legs. I couldn’t breathe, and started to panic. Just as the pain became excruciating, everything went dark. I was floating, and there was no pain, no weight on my chest, and no feeling of panic. I was being propelled through the darkness, towards a light that I could see in the distance. As I came closer to it, I could see myself, all my experiences, as if my whole life was a film being played on the screen of my mind, at great speed. All of a sudden I broke through into a brilliant light, feeling as if I was being cradled like a baby. I was totally surrounded and wrapped up in love, and felt utterly euphoric. Feeling totally detached, I could see myself lying on the floor, being strangled. Then, from a great distance, I could hear my husband shouting up to my children: “Come down, and watch me kill your mother!” I knew a moment of total and utter fury. There was a feeling of shooting through space, and then pain.
I was lying on the floor, taking a gasping, shuddering breath through a throat that felt like it was on fire. I tried to call to my girls not to come down, but could only croak. Somehow they must have heard me, because they went back upstairs. Looking around for my husband, I saw him lying slumped against the opposite wall of the room, some fourteen feet away. He wasn’t moving, and looked like he was ‘out for the count’, so I quickly phoned the police. Luckily they arrived before he came round.
He was locked up in the cells, while I was examined by a police surgeon, and then I was taken back home to my girls. The next day, the police came to tell me that I would have to press charges. If I didn’t, they’d have to let him go. They told me that they had enough evidence to charge him with attempted murder. I didn’t know what to do, as I didn’t want my kids to hate me for putting their father in jail, but I couldn’t bear the thought of having him anywhere near me either. I phoned my father in law, and asked him to come over to collect him, and to please keep him away from me. He stayed away for a couple of months, after which he told me that he owned the house, and moved back in. I decided that I might as well make the best of it for my children’s sake. I didn’t have anywhere to run. He had told me many times that if I ever tried to leave, he would find me and kill me. I believed him – I knew he was capable of it. My family had no idea how bad things were, because I found it too embarrassing to talk about, and I hadn’t kept in contact with them because of it.
I was extremely careful not to upset him, and avoided him as much as I possibly could, but the children and I were constantly walking on eggshells. I didn’t know where to go, or what to do to improve the situation, and always felt frightened, angry and frustrated. Outwardly I went through the motions of living life, but inside I was screaming. Then one morning, some very strange things happened. Literally everything went wrong. To start with, I overslept, which made me feel instantly stressed. Then the strip light in the bathroom popped, my hairdryer gave up the ghost with a blue flash and a bang before I’d had a chance to dry my hair, and while I was ironing my skirt for work, the iron also blew up in my hand. Having overslept, and then been delayed because of these mishaps, I missed my bus, and had to wait in the cold for the next bus to come along. I couldn’t explain things blowing up, but I was furious that they had because it felt like everything was conspiring against me. By the time I finally arrived at work I was half an hour late, and got a ticking off from the manager, who wouldn’t let me explain. At that point, I was ready to blow, and only just managed to bite my lip. As I walked down the empty corridor to go to my department, a light bulb literally exploded over my head and showered me with glass. It really spooked me. As I carried on down the corridor, two more exploded. By then I was scared stiff and made a run for the toilets, where I burst into tears whilst trying to shake the glass out of my hair. I didn’t understand it at all. Why was this happening to me? Surely it couldn’t all be a coincidence? I had no way of explaining any of it, but I had a strong suspicion that my feeling stressed out and angry had had a lot to do with it. Thankfully, once I’d had a good cry and calmed down, the rest of the day was uneventful. Several other strange things happened that year. Every time I felt stressed out, the computer I was working on would do things I hadn’t asked it to do, or stop working altogether. A few times, when I was feeling angry and frustrated after yet another phone call from my husband, I would try to get back to work on my computer, and the whole system would crash. This could of course have been coincidence, but somehow I didn’t think so, although I couldn’t have explained why I felt I had caused it.
Within a year my husband attacked me again, this time with a knife, and I felt so desperate, that I finally contacted social services. I took the children and moved into a safe house, started divorce proceedings, and had him legally evicted from our home. He made yet another attack on my life before the divorce was finalised.
I didn’t see the light those times, although I again had the floating sensation during the last attack. I had never heard of near death experiences, and thought that I must have been hallucinating due to a lack of oxygen during the first attack. What puzzled me most at the time was how I could have possibly thrown my husband off of me, as he was a very tall, heavy man, and I was still lying on the floor when I came back from being in the light. He had looked as if he had been thrown against the wall with force, and in no way had I been physically capable of doing that. Another mystery was how I had managed to escape without injury from the knife attack. I must have moved quicker than lightning. During the second and third attacks I had experienced a curious calm. Although I had seen murder in his eyes, I had had no fear of death and felt no pain, almost as if I had stepped outside of my own body.
After the abuse I had suffered as a teenager, I had somehow not recognized the potential abuser in my husband, and found myself in another abusive relationship. I had had a very low self esteem for years, and was governed by fears for my safety, and later for my children’s as well. I had married him, and stayed with him for as long as I had, because of the security and stability I thought he provided, and because I had nowhere else to go. In the end I left him because I couldn’t take any more abuse, and the constant danger to my life meant there was no security. He had done his utmost to make sure I had no friends, as he wanted to own me completely. Even the children were in the way most of the time. I was very lucky to still have some supportive and reliable friends, who had been able to ignore his nastiness towards them, and who helped me and the girls through the worst of it, for which I will always be grateful. I don’t think we could have managed without them.
By the time I finally found the courage to leave my husband I felt like an empty shell, and a total failure. My marriage to him had very nearly destroyed me, and the only thing I felt I was good at was being a mother, as I adored my two little girls. I had had to give up my career, as I couldn’t cope in the end, bursting into tears while at work. My employers were very understanding once I explained the situation, and offered to keep my position open for me for six months, hoping I would be able to come back, but I felt my children needed me more. They had been through very traumatic times too, and I wanted to be there for them.
Once things settled down a little and the girls went back to school however, I found myself at home with too much time on my hands, and I became very introspective. I realized that I didn’t have a clue who I really was. Try as I might, I could find no point of reference as to who I was. Surely there had to be more to me than just a good mother? I didn’t know where to start looking. As a teenager I had been full of hopes, dreams and ambitions. Now I just felt empty. All my dreams had fallen by the wayside, apart from wanting to have children, but as much as I adored them, it wasn’t enough. There had to be more. I needed mental stimulation, and an escape from worrying about my problems, so I thought the library would be a good place to start.
I came back with books on all sorts of subjects, but the one that intrigued me more than any other was a book on hand analysis. It claimed that the whole of our lives was mapped out in our hands. Once I started reading it, and studying my own palm, I was amazed. I found that my hand clearly showed the main things that had happened in my life, including leaving my husband. It was a fascinating subject to read and explore. It gave me insights into my own abilities and potential, but I couldn’t believe at the time that the rest of my life could ever be as positive and successful as my hand showed.
However, because there were so many un-guessed-at abilities in my palm, I decided that I had been wrong to see myself as an empty shell. I suddenly realized that I had come to a point in my life where I had the opportunity to totally re-invent myself, and ought to see myself as a blank sheet of paper, on which I could write anything I wanted. I decided to try to realize all the potential which showed in my hand – in fact, I intended to exceed it!
CHAPTER 3
New Horizons
My ex-husband never stopped harassing me (he continued it for fourteen years), and I had to carry a personal alarm, as he would jump out at me at any time, anywhere – in shops, from behind bushes, cars, etc. He threatened to set the house alight with us in it, shouting through the letterbox in the middle of the night. He threw a brick through the kitchen window, narrowly missing my eldest daughter’s head. Another time he smashed down the front door and did two thousand pounds worth of damage in the house. However, the more he harassed, the stronger my resolve became to keep him out of our lives and move on.
I met my new partner through a dating agency, and fell head over heels in love. He was the total opposite of my ex-husband. He was kind, gentle, didn’t drink, and had a great sense of humour. He supported me through the death of my foster mother, whom I loved dearly, my very acrimonious divorce and a major operation, which was literally a nightmare. I came round during the operation, in excruciating pain, yet unable to move or make a sound. I saw the lights above me and the surgical team working on me, I could hear every word they said, but no-one noticed that my eyes were open. I felt everything they did, every cut, stitch and swab. After what seemed like forever, I finally managed to groan, and they quickly topped up the anaesthetic. They kept me doped up to the eyeballs for the rest of my stay in hospital, but as soon as I was home again, the nightmares started. I woke up night after night with the same horrific dream for almost a year.
I had fought hard to stop my ex-husband having access rights to the children, but the court allowed it, and he manipulated my eldest daughter to the point where she became his spy in our home, to keep him informed of my life. She was only six years old when I left him, and I was incensed that he could be so callous, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. She became extremely difficult to live with, because she was constantly torn between loyalties. He told both girls horrendous lies to try to turn them against me. A year after the break-up, my youngest, aged only five, came home from an access visit one day, and told me that her daddy said that I had a lot of men. I was horrified at how low he would sink with his lies. I asked her how many men she had seen with me, and she gave me two names. One was a friend who used to come over for a coffee and a chat, usually while the girls were there, and the other was my new partner. I asked her if she thought that was a lot, and she replied that it wasn’t, so I said that whatever daddy said, she could see for herself that it wasn’t always true. I told her she was allowed to make up her own mind whether to believe him or not, and that she could come and ask me anything at any time if she was confused about what he said. I tried not to speak about the past, and only answered their questions truthfully, no matter how difficult it was at times. By refusing to lower myself to his level, I tried to give my girls a solid basis of truth, and hoped that they would be able to make up their own minds as to what they believed when they grew up.
One night I woke up from a very frightening dream. In it, I had seen my eldest daughter fall in the gap between a big ship and the quay. I knew she would drown, and jumped in after her from the quay, but no matter how many times I dived down, I couldn’t find her. At this point I woke up. I was in a terrible state, and tried to make sense of it. The only way I could explain it, was that she was drowning because of feeling torn between me and her father. I had had a very stark warning that she needed help, and I knew it had to be as soon as possible. I bypassed the system, and wrote direct to a counselling service for children, explaining the situation. Usually this had to be done by the GP, but thankfully they realised that it was urgent, and made us an appointment two weeks later. I hoped that she would allow the lady to help, but although we had family counselling for three months in the end, she wouldn’t open up. She was too guarded to speak about her father.
Although we tried to ignore all the harassment, my new relationship was suffering. My eldest daughter was often offensive and nasty to my partner and me, because she felt that he tried to take her father’s place, and that I allowed it. My partner never lived with us however, and we had agreed that he would not interfere with how I brought up my children, so her behaviour could only be due to her own torn loyalties and her father’s influence. Although we tried to keep our love alive against these odds, it was a constant struggle. After two years I couldn’t keep going anymore. I felt like I was constantly walking a tight rope between my partner and my daughter. No matter what I did, it was a battle I realised I could never win, so I finished the relationship. Only a week later I found out that I was pregnant! I was utterly astounded, because the specialists had told me that I only had a minimal chance of pregnancy, due to two gynaecological operations. To be totally safe, I had also had a coil fitted, so I thought that it was impossible for me to fall pregnant.
I considered my options, but knew that I could never abort my baby. I also felt that a baby had the right to know its father, and vice versa, so I phoned my partner and asked him to come over. He was over the moon when I told him, and wanted to move in with me, so we could be a proper family. I decided against that however – there were too many problems between him and my daughter. I also valued and enjoyed my hard-earned independence, and wasn’t keen to give it up again so soon. I had gained a lot of confidence since I’d been on my own, and had proved to myself that I was a very capable person and single mother. I decided that another baby wouldn’t cause me any problems I couldn’t deal with, and I didn’t care what other people thought of me or said about me. My girls were very happy and excited when I told them about the baby, and although they were only nine and six at the time, they decided not to tell their father. When I was six months pregnant and couldn’t hide it any longer, I told their grandparents myself, and left it to them to tell their son.
My youngest daughter was born without complications, and we were all extremely happy with her. She had beaten all the odds, including a threat of miscarriage three months into the pregnancy. Even before she was born, I knew that she was a special child, and felt that she must have something very important to do during her lifetime, having arrived against all these odds. She was a beautiful baby, and at first she was quite easy to cope with. My partner, my friends and my girls were all very helpful and supportive, especially my eldest daughter, and together we managed very well.
When she was five months old, I quietly came into her room, to find her smiling and gurgling away to something or someone in the corner of the room. She was very happy, and she kept looking into the corner and smiling, even though she knew I was there, which would have normally focused her attention on me. Then I noticed a perfume in the room, which I knew very well, but hadn’t smelled for years. It was Chanel no.5. Nobody I knew at the time used that particular perfume. The only person I had known who had always used it was my foster mother. I had kept in touch with her, and she had always been very loving and supportive of me. She had known and loved my two older girls, but she had never seen my youngest, as she had died three years before. The lovely thought that she might be there to see my baby brought tears to my eyes.
As my little one grew, she slept very little, and became quite a handful. She was very quick in her development, and constantly on the go. Although she was a joy to have around, she was also very tiring. By the time she was nine months old, she was running everywhere, and constantly escaping or climbing on top of the furniture. My little girl was extremely hyperactive and demanded a hundred percent of my time.
In my books on hand analysis I had read about giving healing by the laying on of hands, for which, according to my palm, I was supposed to have a gift. It seemed a little far fetched at first, but one day, when my eldest daughter had hurt her back doing sports, I decided to put it to the test. I figured that I couldn’t possibly harm her with it, so when she was ready to go to sleep, I put my hands on her back. I don’t know why, but I had a feeling that I had to be open to ‘whatever was out there’ that could help, so I visualized a hatch opening at the top of my head, asked for healing for my daughter, and waited. I couldn’t believe it when, about a minute later, I saw a beam of the most wonderful pink light. It gently entered my head, feeling warm as it spread, tingling through my body, and coming out through my hands. As it entered my daughter’s back, she murmured sleepily that my hands were lovely and warm. I knew exactly what she meant, because I could feel it all through my body. It was a very warm, loving feeling, and I kept my hands there until it subsided and finally disappeared. I was totally amazed at what had happened. I couldn’t explain it at all, but somehow that didn’t matter. My daughter was fast asleep, and I had to wait until the next day to find out how she was.
The next morning I noticed how well she moved, and just before she left for school, I asked her how her back was. She said it was fine, and that she had forgotten it had been bad. I explained what I had seen and felt the night before. She told me that all she remembered was that my hands had become very warm, and that she must have fallen asleep soon after that. I was extremely pleased, and couldn’t wait to try again, which I did at every opportunity, usually with the same results. I realized that I had found a gift inside myself. For some reason I was able to tap into this wonderful energy and I was extremely grateful for it. I never thought it was mine, but it gave me enormous satisfaction to help others with it.
Sadly, my relationship with my baby’s father was coming to an end. Apart from my ex-husband’s constant harassment, due to his influence my eldest daughter had by then become extremely verbally abusive towards my partner, causing a constant friction between them. She was fighting her father’s corner against the interloper, and too young to understand the screwed-up reasoning behind it. I tried to explain this to my partner, but he had no understanding for it. One day, he lost control and smacked her, something I would not tolerate. This led to arguments between us, which I couldn’t cope with anymore, so I finished the relationship.
Initiation
At every peaceful moment, I immersed myself in studying hand analysis. One afternoon, while my little girl was asleep on the sofa, I was quite engrossed in my book, when I heard a tinkling sound. I looked over to where my baby was sleeping, and saw a brown, very feminine hand, with lots of thin silver bracelets on the wrist and arm, stroking my baby’s fair hair. Because the room was L-shaped, I couldn’t see any more, but I recognized the hand and arm immediately as my foster mother’s. She was originally from Indonesia, and she had always worn the bracelets. The tinkling sound of them was a part of her. I had sensed her, and smelled her perfume quite often since she had first come to see my baby. I wasn’t surprised, so I looked up, smiled happily, and went back to my book. Suddenly I realized that I had actually seen her arm, and looked up, hoping she’d still be there. My baby was sleeping peacefully, but she was gone. I was very excited and disappointed, wishing that I hadn’t been so engrossed in my book. But I had actually seen her arm; I had no doubt about that at all. Somehow, it didn’t seem such a big step from sensing her to seeing her, and it didn’t scare me at all, because I had always loved and trusted her implicitly.
That night, once the children were in bed, I was again studying my palm, when the chair next to me cracked loudly. It made me jump, but because of my experience earlier that day I thought that my foster mother wanted to make her presence known. I just assumed that it would be her, and never considered that it might not be. I pulled out the chair, inviting her to sit down. About thirty seconds later I realized my mistake. I was shocked and horrified to see a strange man sitting at my table. He looked as if he had been dead for some time, as he was in a bad state of decay, and smelled like it too! I saw him as clearly as if he was alive. I was scared stiff! He looked at me with sad eyes, begging me for something. I had no idea what this could be, and asked him to please leave, but he didn’t react. I told him to leave, in no uncertain terms, but he just sat there, pleading with his eyes. I shouted at him. Nothing worked. In the end I was so frightened and upset, that I went and stood in my kitchen, and begged “anyone up there who loved me” to please help me and take him away. Within seconds I felt surrounded by love, as if I was being embraced and reassured, and the spirit at my table vanished. I cried with relief, thanking whoever had helped me.
I didn’t understand what was happening, but it had frightened me so much, that I wanted to avoid anything like it happening again. I knew I needed help, but didn’t know who to turn to. The only person I knew who might be able to help, was my sister Martha, who had been a spiritual healer for eight years by then, so Sandra had told me. I myself hadn’t spoken to Martha for more than twelve years, because of some lies my ex-husband had told. I had realized that he’d lied some years before, but had never had the courage to admit that I’d been wrong for believing him. I put off phoning her for days, but in the end I felt so desperate, that I swallowed my pride and called her. I apologized, cried, and begged her to please help me. She was very pleased I had phoned, and forgave me. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was when she told me she’d be happy to help me, and we arranged for her to come and visit me.
We had a lovely, happy reunion. We hugged and cried, and told each other about our lives. When I asked her about my experience, she explained that I had opened a door to the spirit world, by accepting that spirits were around. She asked whether I had ever done any meditation. I told her that I’d read about it, but had never tried. Then I realized that when I studied my palm I might have meditated in a way, but I saw that more as an intense kind of concentration. She explained that some people meditate by concentrating on a candle, which in effect was quite similar, and that I may have opened the door that way. The traumatic experiences I had gone through had a lot to do with it as well, because they tend to turn people inward to look for answers – something I had certainly done and carried on doing. I had also opened myself to the Light by giving healing for some time by then. By doing this, I was filling my aura with Light, and the more I did this, the more Light would stay in my aura. This in turn attracted spirits in search of the Light, hoping to enter the spirit world. Martha explained that all I would need to do when this happened was to ask for the spirits of the Light to come and collect them, and they would be gone. I asked her what the Light was, and how to contact it. She asked me to close my eyes, to visualize going into my heart, and to tell her what I saw. To my surprise, I found it quite easy to do.
I was in a white corridor, with two doors to the right, one at the end, and one to the left. She suggested I open the first door on my right, which I did. Inside the room were birds and animals of all kinds; some I recognized as pets I had had as a child. I went in and gave all of them a stroke and a fuss, as none were in the least frightened of me. Martha asked me whether I would like to set them free, which I thought was a wonderful idea. She suggested I went back into the corridor and opened the door on the left. Following her advice, I was amazed to find that it led outside, to a lovely green meadow with a beautiful big oak tree. It was a brilliant summer’s day, and I happily led all the animals outside. Martha then suggested I open the next door on the right. Doing so left me speechless as I was greeted by all the people I had known who had died. Amongst others I had known were my father, my grandmother, and my foster mother! I was overcome with happiness. For the first time in my life, I embraced my father, and I cannot describe the emotions I felt. I hugged all of them, extremely happy to see them all again. After a while, Martha suggested I take them outside as well, which I did happily.
Once outside, I noticed a brilliant light by the big oak tree, which I hadn’t noticed before. I was intrigued and, walking towards it, I realized that there was someone inside this light. When I walked into it, I immediately felt surrounded by such an overwhelming amount of Love, that it made me cry with happiness. In front of me was an unbelievably beautiful Being, which was filled with Light. I asked Its name, and It told me: “I am Spirit, I am All”. Then It embraced me, and I can’t even begin to describe the total euphoria I felt. I thanked Spirit for the enormous honour of Its presence. I asked why It had done me this honour, and It replied that I had sincerely searched and reached out for Truth, with an open mind and an open heart. Anyone who reached out in sincerity for Truth would find It. At this stage Martha interrupted, apologetically, asking whether I would like to open the last door. I asked Spirit if It would please wait for me, which It said It would. I went back inside the corridor, and opened the door at the end. To my surprise and absolute horror, hiding at the back of the room, I found my own pain and anguish. It totally threw me, and I wanted to run back to the meadow and Spirit, but Martha, noticing my distress, asked me to tell her what I’d seen that upset me so. I saw two swirling shapes of darkness, and I knew these represented all the emotions that I had been unable to deal with. Martha suggested that I take hold of them and ask Spirit to please take them from me. I cried and cried, not wanting to even go near, but in the end I somehow managed to control my fear and take them out. Spirit was close by, and between sobs, I asked if It would please take them. It reached out Its hand, and they were gone. Spirit embraced and comforted me and I again felt utterly euphoric. After a short while It told me It had to go, but that I would find It there, in the Light, whenever I reached for It. Then It was gone. Martha told me I could open my eyes and I was back.
Opening Doors
I was totally overawed with my experience of the Light and Spirit. Martha told me how pleased she was with what I had done. This made me cry again, and she gave me a big hug and told me to just let it out. I began to tell her all that had happened while I was married, and once I’d started, I couldn’t stop. We hadn’t been in contact for such a long time, that she didn’t know half the things that had happened. It was a wonderful release for me to be able to speak about it and cry on her shoulder. For the first time I was able to talk about all of it, knowing that I would be totally understood. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, Martha gave me an awful lot of healing just by listening.
Healing needs to happen on all levels. Physically I had already healed, but the mental and emotional scars were still there, and would take time. Spirit had started the spiritual process and Martha started the mental and emotional healing process by allowing me to talk and cry about it.
While speaking to Martha, I realized for the first time that the light I had seen while being strangled was the Light of Spirit. I had rationalized it away at the time as a hallucination due to lack of oxygen, but now I knew that I had been surrounded by the Love of Spirit. I had not only been comforted, but my life must have been saved by a spiritual force, as my husband had been thrown off me! It was quite something to take in.
Martha asked me how I would like to use the gift of contact with Spirit and I said that I wanted to be a healer. She then told me that I would be an amazing healer, and that I would go further than she could even conceive of. I couldn’t believe that, because she is a brilliant healer. Then she told me that in years to come I would surpass her and have to go on without her guidance. I found the thought quite worrying, as I was still very uncertain of my own new-found spiritual abilities.
Martha told me from the beginning that all she could do was to teach me the rudiments of what finding your own spirituality was all about, and show me the tools to work with. I would have to find my own way in to using and developing my gifts. Because everybody is different, she could and would not give me set rules to work to, as that would limit my abilities. She said she could show me how she used her gifts, but that it was only as an example. I would have to find my own way myself, with help from Spirit.
She taught me to meditate, and helped me to find other abilities as well, like psychometry (reading the energy of an object), how to give energy, and how to open my aura, in order to diagnose somebody’s problem by feeling it physically myself. She also helped me to learn how to close off my aura, which was very important for me personally, to stop people ‘feeding off my energy’. My ex-husband was a prime example of an energy ‘vampire’- he often used to ‘bleed me dry’ of energy, and make me feel exhausted. By constantly humiliating me, eroding my confidence and making me subservient to him, he became more powerful. A lot of people do this, just to make them selves feel better. People take each other’s energy all the time, because they feel in dire need of it. There are many people who play on being ill to get attention for instance. Having sex is another example of how one person can take the energy of another. If only they realized that all they need to do is connect with the Light to feel energised like never before!
I had a great time practicing my abilities after Martha had gone back home again. For instance, while waiting for a bus one day, I decided to open and extend my aura, to see which ailments the people walking past were suffering from. There was a woman with a head ache, and another had a stomach ache. There was a man with a bad back, and one who had a heart complaint. Just by looking at this man, I could see that he had high blood pressure, because of the high colour in his face. I closed my aura again. The man with the heart complaint had started me thinking. With a high colour like that, his face must have been hot, because the blood had rushed to his cheeks.
Although I was pleased that I was able to do it, I didn’t like the way of diagnosing that Martha had shown me very much, because it meant that I felt other people’s pain, and who likes pain? I would prefer to detect the problems in a different way if possible, so that I wouldn’t have to feel it myself. I wondered whether I would be able to ‘scan’ the body with my hands. I knew that pain makes blood rush to the affected area, focusing the energy on healing the body, and creating heat. I didn’t know if I would be able to diagnose problems this way, but I decided to try it the next time I gave healing. It worked even better than I had hoped, which gave me confidence to experiment with other gifts as well. I always contacted Spirit to double-check, and ask for guidance and answers to my many questions.
The first time I had given healing, I had seen a pink light, and as I developed my healing skills and treated different problems, I began to see different colours. One colour which came to me often was a beautiful deep, almost turquoise blue. Another was a deep purple and I realized that I saw these mainly when I worked on the head and shoulders area. I asked Spirit whether these were the colours of the chakras I was working on, which It confirmed. Blue was for the throat chakra, and purple for the forehead chakra, or third eye. Martha had shown me the energy centres of the body, but had not told me their colours. Once I found out what they were, I was able to use them intuitively, as a guide to which area to treat. If the colours looked a bit ‘washed out’, I would boost them with healing energy until they were as bright and vibrant as I knew they should be. Over the years, with guidance from Spirit, I have gradually developed many different ways to treat almost any kind of physical problem. Colour healing was only the first way I was shown. Since then, apart from studying and using reflexology, acupressure and massage, I have progressed to using spiritual medicines, spiritual surgery, and vibrational healing.
CHAPTER 4
Spirit and God
Apart from the miracles of finding the Light of Spirit and my gifts, my initiation was the starting point of all kinds of changes in my life. To begin with, I was forced to re-think quite a few of my ideas.
I had called myself an atheist for years, mainly because I had felt so suppressed by my religious upbringing, that I wanted no part of anything remotely associated with religion. However, I had always been open to the belief that the spirit lived on after death. I had often had the feeling (or hope) that my father guided and protected me, although it wasn’t really a conscious thought. Feeling my foster mother near had been quite an easy progression from that. Again, it wasn’t a conscious thought, until my baby made me aware of her presence.
I had also always known that there had to be a Higher Power, but I was totally opposed to calling this God, because that was a religious concept I wanted no part of. God, I had been taught, was a vengeful Almighty, who should be feared because he would punish people severely for their ‘sins’. In my experience however, the people who preached this stuff, the men who were supposed to be God’s representatives and followers, were the biggest hypocrites and bigots. They dictated how I should live my life, and all the things I wasn’t allowed to do, while they did the total opposite of what they preached. So God was ‘out’, as far as I was concerned, and I was very sceptical as to what this Higher Power could be, as I had no concept of it. Yet, when I met Spirit, I knew instantly that this was the Highest Power personified. I was so filled with Its Love, that there was no way I could have denied It if I’d wanted to. To call this wonderful Being God would have gone against all I knew and felt It to be. Religion also always portrays God as a man, and Spirit is neither man nor woman, It is a genderless Being. It is totally accepting of who and what we are, without any kind of recrimination for the mistakes we feel we’ve made in life, and doesn’t give what we consider to be our guilt any thought. Spirit does not judge because It is pure Love, unlike religion’s concept of God.
When I think of the concept God, it straight away brings to mind its counterpart, the devil. The Catholic Church and other Christian religions blame the devil for anything they consider to be bad. This is of course very convenient, as it allows them to pass the blame for whatever they do wrong. The words god and devil remind me of the words good and evil, and I have no doubt that they originate from those words. They are nothing but man-made concepts, not real beings. By using and abusing these concepts however, the Catholic Church gained control and power over the masses, which provided them with enormous wealth at the same time.
Meeting Spirit made me see my whole life in a totally different context. At last I was able to forgive myself for the mistakes I’d made in the past. If Spirit could accept me the way I was, with all my faults and all the mistakes I had made, why couldn’t I do the same? It gave me a feeling of freedom I had never known before. I suddenly had a brand new perspective on life, and a whole new world of opportunities opened up in my mind, things I would never have allowed myself to consider before. I had never thought I could be gifted, and never in my wildest dreams had I considered the possibility of being able to help others like this!
Past Lives
I was no longer alone, because Spirit was always there whenever I had a problem, not only with developing my gifts, but in my normal life as well. My youngest daughter was more than a handful, and although I considered myself to be an experienced mother, she was something else. I had never remotely understood how parents could possibly hurt their children, but after having to walk out of the room several times, in an effort to control my temper, I could understand how easy it might be for some people to lose it. Many times I had to ask my eldest to look after her for ten minutes, while I went to my room, crying in despair. I would ask Spirit to please give me the love and patience I needed to cope with my baby. I adored her, but she was so hyper, that there were days when I felt she would drive me insane. The nights were no better, because she slept fitfully and overall no more than four or five hours at most. Looking after her took the patience of a saint, and I would never have coped without Spirit’s help.
She was also extremely aware of spirits. I often heard her chatting, and once she could talk, she would tell me about “people” who had come to see her. I have personally seen several spirit-children around her, all at the same time, who had come to play!
My little one was about eighteen months old when she mentioned Tommy. When I asked her who Tommy was, she told me that he was her baby. She would kiss and cuddle her doll and call it Tommy. This carried on for some months, and we were all used to her talking about Tommy, whom she kept on saying was her baby. We all humoured her, thinking that she was just playing with her doll, pretending it was a baby, as little girls do.
One day after dinner, we were watching the news on TV, when there was a tragic report about a baby who had drowned in a pond. My little girl was sitting on my lap at the time, and she suddenly burst into tears. She was extremely upset over something, and I had a feeling it may have been the news report, but I wasn’t sure. She was inconsolable, and after I repeatedly asked her what had upset her so much, she finally managed to tell me that her baby Tommy had died that way. He had drowned. We didn’t know what to say, but we were all quite upset at her being so overwrought, so we gave her lots of love and hugs. She eventually stopped crying, but she was upset for days afterwards.
When I asked Spirit what this was all about, It told me that she had memories from another life. As I had experienced at first hand, we pass into the Light at the point of death, where we (usually) stay until our next reincarnation. Young children have not long left the Light. They can still see spirits of the Light when they visit, and react with happiness because they bring the Light of Love with them. Some can remember other lives at this stage, while their attention is still drawn inwards. Most children start to forget these memories when they go to school, and their attention starts to be drawn outwards.
My little girl went to a special nursery school because she was so hyperactive, before she was two years old. One morning, not long after she’d started going there, I woke up because my middle daughter, who shared a bedroom with her, called out in a panic: “No, no, baby, don’t jump!” I ran into their room, but I was just too late. My little one had tied the string of the blind around her neck and jumped off the toy box. She had gone through the motions of hanging herself! Luckily, she had only wrapped it around her neck, so it pulled off when she jumped, but it had left a nasty burn. I just picked her up, put her on my lap, and cried with her. So did my older daughter. We were all shocked to the core.
The string of the blind had been tied at the top, as I always tried to make my house as child-proof as possible, because she was so hyperactive, but she had pulled the string that held the blind itself, until she had what she wanted. I didn’t know what to think – had she really wanted to kill herself? I asked her why she had done this, but she didn’t seem to have an answer to that herself, so I didn’t ask again. I’m convinced that it must have been her reaction to Tommy’s tragic death in her past life. A child of two, who has never been told about hanging, and has no concept of what it is, or even the slightest idea how it is done, would not have known what to do unless she remembered it from a past life. She has never mentioned Tommy since, and when I asked her about a year later if she knew who Tommy was, she said she didn’t know anyone called Tommy.
I was intrigued as to whether I had had any past lives myself, so I asked. Spirit confirmed that I had. When I asked how many, I was astounded by the answer. I had had in excess of four hundred lives! I asked if I might be able to see some of them, and I was shown several. I saw myself as a Viking woman, as a warrior queen of a tribe, as a washer woman, a nun, a seamstress, and as a witch. I asked whether I had been a woman every time, and if so, why? I was told that I had, because I had never chosen a man’s life. I asked if I could see some more of my life as a Viking woman.
I saw myself standing on the beach during a storm, in the middle of the night. I was the shaman and healer of the tribe, of which my husband was the chief. I loved him deeply, but he had been away on a sea voyage for a very long time (probably years). I had been able to keep a psychic connection with him, and I knew he was alive and well. He was on his way back, and I could feel him coming closer. I had woken from an awful dream, a premonition, in which his ship was being battered by a terrible storm, and I had seen the ship’s mast fall on him, crushing his chest. I mentally reached out to him, trying to work out how far away he was. Once I had made my connection, and realised he wasn’t far, I gathered all my power and started drawing the ship towards me. It was extremely difficult due to the storm, and took all my strength, but I wouldn’t give up. I knew he was going to die, and I had to see him one last time. When I was exhausted, I begged the Gods to please help me, and knew they had heard my plea. The power that filled me was incredible! I drew the ship in faster than I had ever thought possible. When it finally ran aground, it was barely afloat, and my husband was in a very bad way. I knew he wouldn’t last long, but I used everything I had to heal him. It was too late, and I knew. I told him how much I loved him and how I had missed him. He looked at me with eyes full of love, and left me for the last time.
Another time, I asked to be shown my life as a witch. I was what was then called a ‘wise woman’, visited by most women in the village for healing and advice, and called upon to deliver their babies and ease their passing to the other world. I lived alone, by choice, outside of the village, and although I didn’t take part in ordinary village life, I was well respected by the women. Most of the men were afraid of my abilities however, so many of the women would come to me without their knowledge. One day, while staring into the fire, I had a terrifying vision of my own death. I saw myself being burnt alive on a pyre in the village square, and I knew with absolute certainty that I wouldn’t be able to avoid this fate. All I could do was to mentally prepare myself, and to ask the spirits for help to ease my suffering. I also prepared some herbs, which I hung on a thong around my neck. These would kill me quickly, given the chance to take them.
A few days later a catholic priest and several others came to the village, stirring up fear and bad feeling, asking people if they knew of any witches in the area. The finger was pointed at me. I was accused of flying around on a broomstick at night, sleeping with the devil and causing illness and death. I didn’t struggle when they came to get me, nor did I plead my innocence. I knew there was no point in it. I was stripped of all my clothes and belongings, including my herbs, which I didn’t get the chance to take. I was dragged naked through the village by my hair, kicked and beaten, and had dirt thrown and smeared in my face by people I had helped. I know I cried, but I think it was more for their ignorance and fear than from pain. I had removed myself so far from what was happening, and had found such peace in the place where I had gone, deep inside, that it was almost as if it was all happening to somebody else. Somehow I had managed to disconnect myself from what was happening to my body. I was tortured and burnt at the stake, yet I viewed it all as if from a distance. I felt surrounded by Love, and once on the pyre, I felt myself being carried upwards into the most wonderful Light.
I came back out of my meditation, horrified about my death, but feeling amazed by the ability to disconnect from my body like that, doubting that it could actually be done. In my next meditation I questioned this, and I was told that I had done it in this life, although obviously in different circumstances, and was shown several examples. I realized that I had, I just hadn’t recognized it for what it was. Our level of development usually increases with each lifetime, as we progress, and the life I had visited was many lifetimes ago, which explained why I hadn’t recognized this ability. I found it far easier to do in this life. In fact, it was so easy that it was almost a reflex, something I didn’t even think about!
The implications of that almost blew my mind. It meant that the abilities of my spirit must be enormous! I found it very hard to take in, having seen myself as vulnerable and insignificant for most of my life. It turned the way I saw myself upside down, and left me feeling lost for a while. I had never expected to be able to set my sights that high. My mind was reeling. Even though I’d decided I would try and realize all the abilities that showed in my hand, these were spiritual abilities beyond my wildest dreams! In the end I decided all I could do was my best and see how far I could go.
Spiritual Travel and Communication
During each of our lifetimes we learn from our experiences and gather wisdom. Wisdom should not be confused with knowledge. Acquiring wisdom is an intuitive inner process of combining and applying Truth and knowledge. This is done over many lifetimes. The more wisdom we gather, the higher our personal vibration becomes. The higher our vibration, the closer we come to the Light-vibration, and the more likely we are to connect with Spirit. Everybody is given opportunities, but not everybody takes these. There are many vibrational levels, and every individual functions at the level they themselves have reached.
Not long after I had first established regular contact with Spirit, I asked if it was true that there were dark spirits, as I’d never seen any. I was told that there were, but that they couldn’t visit me, as I was surrounded by Light. Dark spirits cannot enter the Light until they have reached the Light vibration themselves, and the Light was my protection from them. I asked if dark spirits are the same as lost spirits, and was told that they aren’t. Lost spirits have either lost their way to the Light, or have turned their back on it, and so are lost to the Light. Dark spirits are in darkness due to their low vibration, and unable to see the Light. I asked if there was no way to help these spirits, and during several meditations I was taken to many different levels, where I was allowed to help. Usually this involved opening doors or gates and helping the spirits there to overcome their fear by assuring them that it was safe to go through, bringing them a step closer to the Light. With hind sight, I realised that a lot of these experiences were symbolic, and I can’t say that I really saw what these levels were like. The only thing I was acutely aware of was the lack of Light and the suffering of the spirits who were there because of it. The ones I have seen were all very different. Some were like the countryside here on Earth, but the colours were more vivid and beautiful, and the flowers were bigger and had wonderful, heady scents. Some higher levels I asked to go to, because I was curious about them. I have seen magnificent, breathtakingly beautiful palaces made from crystal, and enormous flowers in indescribable colours there. I have heard music that was so achingly beautiful that it moved me to tears. Some of these levels are very close to the Light, and the spirits that inhabit them don’t look human. They are incredibly beautiful and filled with Light. They are without substance and seem to appear and disappear at will, taking whichever form they like. The Love I felt on these higher levels was endless, and I feel very honoured to have been allowed to visit them.
Spiritual travel has become quite easy for me. I have also travelled to other parts of this world in meditation. Whenever I want to go anywhere, to help or give healing, I just think myself there. This probably sounds far fetched, but anyone can learn to do it with practice. Thought is creative, and far more powerful than we realise. Most of us travel while we’re asleep. When I first started doing it consciously, I couldn’t believe that I had actually travelled in spirit, and asked Martha to test me. She told me that she had just given one of her friends a couple of her paintings, and asked me to look at them and tell her what they were. Martha, like the rest of my family, lives a long distance away from me, and I didn’t know her friend, nor had I ever seen the paintings. That same evening I phoned her, describing the friend’s flat, the room the paintings were in, and the paintings themselves. She confirmed that it was all exactly as I described it.
At one time, my mother was recovering from an operation, and I wanted to help her, so late at night I meditated and gave her healing. She phoned me a couple of days later, when she was up and about again, and asked me if I had come to see her while she was ill. I asked her why. She told me that she had woken up in the night and seen me, ‘standing in a big, bright light’! She also said that I’d given her a kiss before I left, which I had! It is unusual to be seen whilst travelling in spirit, so I was surprised to get this kind of confirmation, especially from my mother.
While we are living life on Earth, we are used to the fact that people speak different languages, which can be a problem when you’re trying to communicate. This problem never arises during communication with spirits however, because it happens telepathically. You will ‘hear’ their thoughts and know what they’re saying. Personally, I believe our thoughts are made up of images and concepts rather than language. The rational side of our brain adapts and converts these into language to allow us to communicate with people, but this isn’t necessary to communicate with spirits. So no matter which language you speak, you will be able to communicate. The only thing that can sometimes cause confusion is if your thoughts are not fully formed. If you want to ask questions, you will need to focus your mind on exactly what it is you want to know, as you will not get any answers if you don’t.
Although many spirits will go straight into the Light at the point of death, many others don’t go straight away. Some can’t immediately find the Light, and need help to move on; others feel they have unfinished business, or wait to say goodbye to loved ones before they go into the Light.
A few years ago, one of my neighbours came to my door in floods of tears, and drenched from walking in the rain for hours. She asked me where people go after they die. I didn’t have a clue what had happened, but I asked her to come in, and told her that they went into the Light. Once I had put a blanket around her, as she was shivering with cold and exhaustion, she asked me what it was like in the Light. I answered that I could show her if she liked. She then told me that her fiancée had committed suicide. He hadn’t meant to do it – it had been a cry for help that had gone wrong, and she hadn’t been able to say goodbye. I told her to hold my hands, as she had no energy left, and to close her eyes. I asked her where she would like to meet him, and she told me. We spiritually travelled to this place, and there was her fiancée. I could tell by her voice and the tears that she was able to see him, and said that she could speak with him for a short time, as the Light was waiting for him. After about five minutes, I was told that it was time to go, so I told her I was sorry, but that she would have to say goodbye now. She cried, and said her goodbyes, after which we saw him go into the Light, and I brought us back. We were both in tears, and I was feeling exhausted as well by then, because I had only had my own energy to draw on to take us there and keep the connection. Giving her a hug, I made her comfortable with another blanket and a glass of wine to warm her, and then left her alone for a while. After about half an hour, she thanked me and went home.
Lost or Earthbound Spirits
Like most people, I have always been curious about the spirits that choose to stay in this dimension, rather than go into the Light after their death, and cause trouble or influence the living in a negative way. I had mistakenly described these as dark spirits before but, during meditation one day, Spirit told me that they were considered ‘earthbound’ or ‘lost’. I asked why these spirits didn’t go into the Light after their physical death. I was told that as we all have a free will, some choose not to move on. Others are afraid of the Light, often because they’re unable to throw off their human mindset. If for instance they had convinced themselves all their lives that there was no life after death, then they would often stay with their body. The second spirit I ever saw had been like that. He had shown himself to me the way his body had been at the time – in a state of decay, after about three years in the grave! The smell alone had been terrible, and the sight of him had terrified me so much that I begged ‘anyone up there who loved me’ to please help and take him away! Looking back on that experience, I realise that my fear had helped me to make the right connection, because that is the thing to do – call on the Light. It wasn’t exactly what I said, but because there is an infinite amount of Love in the Light for us, I made the connection anyway.
Other reasons for spirits to stay on the earth plane could be that they don’t realise their life has ended, or that they don’t want to leave a loved one. Some however, having a guilty conscience, are afraid to be judged. You can imagine that you wouldn’t be keen to be judged if you’d been told about fire and brimstone all your life, and thought you had the threat of hell hanging over you! There is no judgement or vengeance in the Light however, only Love. We just keep reincarnating until we have reached the Light vibration, at which point we have returned home. There is no hell. If there is anything that resembles religion’s concept of hell, it would have to be the dark levels of the spirit world that are the furthest removed from the Light. However, spirits are never left there for eternity, as they are always offered help to move on to other levels which are closer to the Light.
I have seen many earthbound spirits, all of which I have sent into the Light, where they belong. They may well have reincarnated by now. Some didn’t want to go, but any spirit that causes anguish for others should not be allowed to do so. Here is an example of this. One day in meditation, I asked out of curiosity what had scared me so much when Sandra and I were ‘playing’ with the Ouija board when I was fifteen. Had it been an earthbound spirit? Spirit confirmed this, and took me back to show me what I hadn’t been able to see at the time. I saw us sitting at the table again, with the letters spread out in a circle, and the glass in the middle. We both had our fingers on the glass, and Sandra was asking if anyone was there. Suddenly a man materialized, standing by my side of the table, and pushing the glass towards the word ‘yes’. I remembered that that was when the hair on the back of my neck had stood on end. When Sandra asked who it was, and he started to spell out his name, I hadn’t been able to take any more and ran. Although I hadn’t seen him physically, my spirit had perceived and recognized a very nasty earthbound spirit. I asked Spirit why he had come to us, and was told that I was a strong medium even then. We – and our auras – had been open to whoever was there, by asking them to come through via the Ouija board. I had closed my aura when I ran away, making my sister jump and unwittingly do the same. He was unable to influence people unless they were open to him. I asked why this spirit had been so nasty, and was shown his story.
He had lived in the house long before we moved there, with his wife and children, which he had seriously abused for years. His wife had finally found the courage to take the children and leave. Their pain and anguish was retained in the house, which was all he had left, and he became a bitter old recluse. Obsessed about taking revenge on his family, he hanged himself from the banisters, leaving them the house in his will. Refusing to move on, he stayed in the house, hoping for revenge. His family sold the house rather than live in it, but nobody lived there for long, as they couldn’t be happy there. The house was sold on again and again, until my mother and stepfather bought it. Having come from a different part of the country, they didn’t know its history, and just thought it was a bargain. From the day we moved I had felt very uncomfortable in that house. This feeling was probably caused by a combination of a subconscious prompting from the dream I had had for so long, the anguish retained in the house, and fear of its residing spirit. I asked if this spirit had been able to influence us while we lived there. Spirit told me that spirits like this can only affect the personality of the living if they are on a similar vibrational level and are open to it. My stepfather had been open to this angry spirit’s influence because of his own anger towards me. It had made him feel strong, and he had become more manipulative, nasty and deceitful. Having always been a follower, my mother had been unable to stand up to him, and allowed his abuse. This had given him free rein, and made his abuse worse until the social workers finally put a stop to it.
I asked Spirit if the nasty spirit was still in the house, to please take him into the Light. It may seem like taking a spirit’s free will away to do this, but it is actually helping them to move on. Sometimes we need that extra push to overcome our fears and do what is right for us. Lost or earthbound spirits cannot make any kind of progress while they stay here, and know no love, as they usually only provoke a fear response from those who are aware of them. By being taken into the Light they are surrounded by Love, which heals and frees them to make progress again.
Out of curiosity, I asked why so many other people I had spoken to about the Ouija board had also had such awful, negative experiences with it. Spirit explained it like this: When trying to contact spirits, the best way is through your own spark of Light – for instance through meditation. Spirits of the higher vibrations will be able to contact you through this spark of Light. However, if you try to contact spirits through a piece of wood or a table – something that vibrates at a lower level – you allow spirits of a lower vibration to contact you. These spirits are unhappy and frustrated, as they live in a kind of ‘twilight zone’, or in a state of ’limbo’. When you allow them to communicate through an Ouija board, you empower them, and because they are unhappy themselves, they will usually affect your life in a very negative way.
CHAPTER 5
Visiting Spirits
All my life I had been curious about my father. Never having known him, I always felt that a part of me was missing. I did eventually meet him during my initiation, which was wonderful, but it wasn’t the ideal situation, because I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t really speak with him. About a year later I did. I had just finished giving healing to one of my friends, who was sleeping peacefully. I was sitting in an armchair, just letting my mind wander, when I realised that my father was there. I welcomed him and told him that I’d missed him. He said that he was very sorry that he’d had to leave me so early on in my life. I agreed that it was a shame, but told him that I didn’t blame him for it – it had been his time to go. He told me that he was very proud of the strong person I had become, considering all the problems I had had to face. This made me feel very emotional, and I told him that there had been many times when I would have done anything to be able to talk to him and ask his advice. Most of all I had wanted to cry on his shoulder. With that, although I was sitting in an armchair, I felt his arms go around me, and he gave me a lovely big hug. For the first time in my life, I cried on my dad’s shoulder. It made up for all the times when I’d not been able to.
It became quite normal to me to be visited by spirits, which lasted for a few years. Because I had filled my aura with so much Light, many spirits in the process of passing on and searching for the Light would come to find me. A few initially mistook me for the Light, quickly realising their mistake, but most of them came to ask for help to find the Light. I’ve also been visited by the spirits of the living, during times of great trauma in their lives. These visits can be extremely emotional, as I am usually asked for help at the time of somebody’s death.
One evening, when I was just about to go to bed, a young man suddenly appeared. He was crying, and carrying a little girl in his arms. I asked if I could help him. He looked up at me, surprised to see me. Choking back the tears, he asked if I knew where to find the Light. He had to be certain that his little girl was safe before he could let her go. She had died in an accident that day, and he hadn’t been able to protect her. I called on the Light, which appeared instantly, and in floods of tears, he passed his little girl over to me. Taking the child in my arms, I took his hand, so that he would be able to experience the Light for himself, and his mind would be at peace. As we walked into the Light, the little girl was absorbed. Her father cried, feeling the Love in the Light, and knowing that his little girl was safe. Once the Light had gone, he thanked me and left.
There is one other, very emotional experience which I want to include here. My youngest daughter, being very hyperactive, attracted many child spirits who came to play and learn from her. Some of them stayed with her for years, and one of them, a little boy, used to try and get my attention by pulling on my jumper or top, or disrupt what I was doing when I was busy. I knew what he was trying to do, but like my own children he would have to wait sometimes. For instance, when I was on the telephone, which was in the hall, he would fast-forward or rewind the tape in the video player, which was only three feet away, in the living room. He would do this while my daughter was in another room, and nowhere near. He would also move things from one place to another, and have a giggle when we couldn’t find them. I didn’t mind these little bits of mischief, as it was what I expected from any child, until he took it too far one evening.
A friend of mine was speaking on the telephone, while my girls and I were in the kitchen, as we had just finished our dinner. My youngest was tired, and wanted to sit on my lap, but as I was busy clearing up, I asked her to wait a minute until I sat down. She wouldn’t take no for an answer, and started whingeing. Suddenly an empty plastic tub flipped up into the air, and landed on a glass of milk, which fell on the floor and broke. I stood there, only two feet away, wondering what on earth had happened, until I heard a giggle, and realized it was the little boy spirit. My girls just looked at me and laughed, as they were quite used to strange things happening in the house by then. My friend in the hall had also witnessed it however, and looked quite shocked and spooked, as he had clearly seen the tub move ‘of its own accord’. I told him it was just a spirit child up to mischief, and didn’t make too big a thing about it.
Later that evening, I called our little mischief maker to have a chat with him, explaining why he shouldn’t do things like that, in the same way I would have done with my own child. He climbed onto my lap, and cuddled up, asking if I would like to see his friends in the spirit world. I said I would, and he took me to a wonderful garden, full of Light. There were so many children there, that I asked a spirit of the Light who was looking after them, if this was a nursery. I was shocked by the answer. It told me that sadly, this was where the unwanted children stayed until they grew up. They were the ones people hadn’t allowed to have a life, as they had been unwanted pregnancies. Although they had been denied a proper human life, they had started the physical process, and would have to go through the human process from the spirit world before they could move on. To do this, they would need to find human children to learn from, and so gain the experiences they needed. This was so sad that it made me cry, and I asked if these children couldn’t be adopted by adult spirits. It answered that this wasn’t possible, as they could only gain human experiences from humans. Acting on impulse, I asked if I could adopt them myself, so that they could learn from the children in my family. It answered that this was possible, if they agreed. When asked, many of the children accepted my offer, and crowded around me. I gave each of them a hug, which for most of them was their first experience of being loved and wanted by a human mother.
They are all my family now, and I have often caught glimpses of them. Every time I kiss or hug my children, my spirit children know that they are included, and that the love I give to my family is theirs in equal amounts.
Growth
I will always be eternally grateful for the fact that awareness of Spirit came into my life when it did. About eighteen months after my initiation, I found myself in the unenviable position of being a single parent, coping with a hyperactive toddler and a teenager who had gone completely off the rails. My ex-husband still caused no end of problems with his lies, turning our eldest daughter against me, and making threatening telephone calls at any time of day or night. His manipulation of her, added to the rebellion of puberty, caused her unnecessary and almost unbearable anguish. I tried to talk to her, but she refused to speak about how she felt. I contacted the same counsellor that had seen us years before, hoping she might open up to her, but to no avail. This situation wasn’t helped by her father, who created merry hell over it, shouting that his daughter didn’t need counselling, as there was nothing wrong with her!
In all of this, I was the lucky one, because my spiritual connection provided me with a balance from the horrendous stress of the situation. I found a haven of peace and tranquillity whenever I meditated, which was the only thing that kept me sane. It also gave me the strength to support my children through it. Whenever I felt near breaking point, I would beg Spirit for help, which I was given every time, and I would feel surrounded by Love and support. This in turn helped me to access a reservoir of love inside myself I didn’t know I had. Looking back over that time, I realize that I broke through many personal barriers, and freed myself of a load of baggage I had carried with me. I managed to forgive the people who had wronged me and left an awful lot of fears behind. I also learned to control my temper. Over the years my trust and faith in Spirit strengthened to such a degree, that I always followed the advice I was given, often without question.
Seven years after I split from my husband we were still unable to move on because I couldn’t sell the house. My ex-husband still owned part of it and used this to make our lives hell. He had also left me to repay large debts – which he himself had run up by forging my signature – as he refused to pay a penny, and I only just managed to scrape by, by offering to pay small amounts per month, which kept the bailiffs away. I knew that the only way I could change this situation was by selling the house, but there was a slump in the housing market, and although I had tried to sell several times, I hadn’t been successful. It was the only way in which I could offer my children a new start, but I had no idea how to accomplish it.
One day, in utter despair, I meditated and asked for Spirit’s help to overcome these problems. I was told to put the house up for sale. It would sell within two weeks, for a higher price than I expected to get for it. I was then told that I would have three options for our new home, which would be solely my choice.
Although this advice left me feeling totally bewildered, and I had no idea what these options could possibly be, I put the house up for sale the same day. I inflated the asking price by five thousand pounds, to allow for the inevitable bartering, but didn’t expect to get that much. I was amazed to find a buyer twelve days later, who offered fifteen hundred pounds more than I’d expected. The house that had hung like a mill stone around my neck for seven years was sold within two weeks, just as Spirit had promised! A week later, Martha offered for us to move in with her, as she had a large house, and since my niece had moved out, she was the only occupant. The week after that, a friend made a similar offer. My other friends, who had supported me through my divorce, had moved away a few years before to live by the sea. When I told them about the sale of the house, they said how nice it would be if we moved to the town they lived in. They would be happy to put us up temporarily if I hadn’t found a house by the time we had to move out. I felt totally overwhelmed – all three options had materialised!
It didn’t take me very long to make up my mind. I was very grateful to Martha for her offer, but moving back to my own country was easier said than done. It would have cost a lot more than moving to another town, and my children would have been behind in school because of the language. I had also gained my independence at a high price, and intended to keep it. I turned my friend’s offer down for that same reason. I wanted my own space. We had had some wonderful holidays with our friends by the sea, and I knew it would be just great to live near them.
I was then faced with the problem of finding a new home some distance away, without any form of transport. While meditating and asking for help, I was assured that this problem would also be solved very soon. Within days, another friend offered me the use of his Mercedes estate car for as long as I needed it! I couldn’t believe my luck. I found a house, and we moved to live by the sea, without even having to take my friends up on their offer of temporary accommodation.
Since my first initiation, I had made progress in many different ways. My whole outlook on life had changed, I had developed several new gifts, and my thinking had become extremely positive. Spiritually, I had gone through many smaller initiations as well, always during meditation. Some of these are a bit difficult to explain, but I was initiated in all the elements: Earth, Air, Water, Fire and Spirit. For my initiation into Earth, I found myself buried in the earth – or rather, I was a part of the Earth. The soil was my body, roots were my limbs, and underground streams were my blood supply. Lots of small insects and animals were aerating my soil, supplying me with oxygen. It was a beautiful, peaceful experience. I moved myself upwards, and became the grass, feeling every blade, after which I became myself again, lying on the grass.
My initiation into Air was another amazing experience: I became the air, or rather the wind. The feeling of weightlessness, of being loose from everything, the total freedom I experienced is hard to describe. I felt disembodied, playful, I was nothing, yet I was everywhere. It was absolutely exhilarating! Maybe you can imagine being a feather, being blown around by the wind, going wherever it takes you. If you can let go of any control, you’ll come close to the feeling I experienced.
Next I was initiated into Water. I was a fast flowing river, my strong current impatiently driving me on to blend into the sea. I became the ocean, probing my depths and feeling the enormous power of my waves. Aware of the myriad of different creatures moving around in me, I was the womb of life itself. Warmed by the sun, I felt myself evaporate, rising up to the sky. It was quite disorienting, as there were many separate little particles of me, forming a cloud. Rising high into the sky, into the frosty air, we froze. Blown along by the wind until we were over the land, we melted and became rain. Coming down fast, I came back out of the meditation before hitting anything.
Although all of these initiations were amazing and unexpected, because I never asked for them, Fire was the most mind-blowing of all. When I started my meditation, I asked what it felt like to be a spirit. I had wondered about that for a while, and I couldn’t imagine, so I thought I’d ask. I suddenly found myself standing by an enormous fire. It was very hot, and I looked around for Spirit, as I didn’t know what I was meant to do. Spirit was there, and came to stand next to me. I asked what I should do, and It told me to walk into the fire. I said I was frightened, but that I would, if It came with me. Spirit took my hand and together we walked into the flames. I experienced only a little heat, and no pain, although my body was totally consumed by the fire. When it was gone, I floated up out of the flames. I was no more then a spark from the fire, a speck of dust, yet I was everything. I was spirit, and I felt so utterly vibrant and alive, that words aren’t enough to try to describe it. I was pure Love and Power. I knew, felt, saw and heard everything all at once. I was everything, everywhere, yet physically I was nothing! I suddenly came out of my meditation, gasping, and desperately filling my lungs with air – I had forgotten to breathe! I had of course asked how it feels to be a spirit – only they don’t need to breathe!
Looking back on these initiations, apart from becoming one with all the elements, with all of Life, I think the most important thing I learned from them was to totally let go of my ego-control, be completely open to, and give myself over to the experience. Of course I had total faith in Spirit already, so I suppose it was quite an easy step for me. Considering what happened a few years later, I realise just how important it was for me to experience the elements in this way. There were so many incredible experiences yet to come for me, based on my understanding and experience of the elements, that I am eternally grateful for these initiations.
Adjustments
I had had an awful lot of healing, and it had become quite easy for me to think positively, but it wasn’t as easy for my two oldest girls, who had also been scarred and affected by all the nastiness they had been through during my marriage to, and divorce from their father. My middle daughter had been very young during those awful years, and didn’t consciously remember all that much, but she had nightmares well into her teens. We had always been very close, as she was very much ‘mummy’s girl’. My eldest however, had always felt more drawn to her dad, and suffered appallingly from his constant pressure and manipulation.
I focused on my children’s welfare above all else, and always spent a lot of time helping them with school work and talking with them. I felt that it was important to give them truthful and unbiased answers, no matter what the question, and tried to be as tactful as I possibly could. My eldest daughter always called me a liar however, because her dad had told her otherwise. Looking back, I realize how confused, depressed and lonely she must have felt, because she had totally shut herself off from me and her sisters. I had asked Spirit for help for her many times, but there wasn’t much that could be done unless she wanted to change. I felt very upset and torn apart by her attitude and constant resentment, and totally helpless to bring her out of this mindset.
I have always told all my girls that I may not always like them, but I will always love them, no matter what they do. I only realized much later, that I should have taken her behaviour as a compliment. That may seem strange, but she was always certain of my love, no matter what, which was why she felt safe to test it constantly. She can’t have felt certain of her father’s love however, because she always desperately tried to please him.
Once we had moved and settled into our new home, the girls started their new school, and I finally managed to find time to meditate again. I had been so busy that it had fallen by the wayside, and I wanted to thank Spirit for all the help I had been given. I tried to connect time and again, but to no avail. I couldn’t find the Light. I thought that it might be because of the stress of the move, so I left it for a few days, to allow myself to de-stress and relax. I knew that if I tried too hard to make things happen, I would only push them further away from me. Meditation, and connecting with Spirit, is all about relaxing, and opening up to whatever comes, without any kind of pre-conceptions or expectations.
When I still couldn’t make contact two weeks later however, I began to worry. I tried every which way I knew to meditate, but nothing worked. I phoned Martha, and asked her what I could do, but she suggested prayer, and that went against the grain for me. Prayer may have worked for her, but I had never approached or seen Spirit in a religious way, and didn’t feel that it was right for me. I went through a whole spectrum of emotions. I felt deserted, even angry; I wondered if I’d done something wrong. I was afraid I would never again feel the Love that had sustained me for so long, and I had become so dependent on. In my despair I even went to meditation healing classes, to learn different ways to meditate, but nothing worked. After three months I gave up. I had run out of ideas, and decided that if I had done something wrong, then Spirit would have to tell me what it was, so I could apologize and change. Until then there was nothing I could do.
Letting go turned out to be exactly what was needed. Shortly after I’d decided to just try and live life as best I could, I was finally contacted by Spirit. I was so pleased I hadn’t been deserted after all, that I cried and begged Spirit to tell me what I’d done wrong to have been ignored for so long. I was completely enveloped in Light, more brilliant than before, which made me feel utterly euphoric, and told that I had done nothing wrong at all. By listening to, and following Spirit’s advice like I had, I’d made great spiritual progress. This had brought my vibration to a much higher level, and it had been necessary for my mind and body to adjust to it. There could be no contact while the adjustment was completed, but I was now ready to work on the level I had achieved. Although I’d made progress for years, it had been a much more gradual process and it hadn’t been noticeable before. This time however, I had not only taken a leap of faith by following Spirit’s advice and putting our lives totally in Its hands, but because of this, also a vibrational leap.
I have come to accept these adjustments or integrations as part of the process, as there have been quite a few since then, and I’ve found that the bigger the leap, the longer it takes to connect again.
CHAPTER 6
Searching Inside
Healing of the mind is a very intensive process. Healing of the body is easy in comparison, considering the fact that people who ask for healing are aware of a physical problem, and are often desperate to be rid of it. Therefore, they are open to receiving the healing that is given. However, people are not always aware of the mental barriers to healing, which can cause physical problems to recur again and again. All physical problems are based in fear; even the ones we’re born with, as these are caused by fears carried over from past lives. Fear is the barrier which must be overcome and destroyed. Saying that is much easier than doing it of course and it isn’t something which can be done quickly or easily. It takes intensive inner searching and total honesty to find and destroy these barriers, which in some cases have been there all of our lives. People are often in denial about fears they harbour, and won’t even admit to themselves that they have them, leave alone to anyone else. To allow for healing, the first step is to acknowledge the fear. Secondly, it needs to be accepted or embraced. The third and last step in this process is to let it go.
Spiritual healing can be the start of, and help the mental healing process, as Martha had shown me during my initiation. I had shut my pain and anguish away, and I was petrified to confront it. Once I did, and managed to pass it all to Spirit, it was an enormous relief. It didn’t just stop of course, but every time my memories made me sad, I would meditate and give my sadness to Spirit, who was always there, happy to take it from me, and replace it with Love. As time passed, I felt happier and stronger.
I also found ways to help other people to find the Light and relieve their burden of fears, pain, anguish and anger. One day, a lady came to me for healing. While I was working on her, she suddenly burst into tears, something which had happened before with other clients. She told me that she suddenly felt extremely sad, but couldn’t tell me why. I realised that the healing was helping her to release her anguish, and wondered if I couldn’t do more to help her with this, as it was obviously necessary. I asked her if she was willing to try a different kind of healing, which she agreed to.
Before I started, I asked Spirit to please guide me, and instantly felt surrounded by Love. I asked the lady to go into her heart, and tell me what she saw. She saw a completely different picture from what I had seen, which I’d expected, because everybody is different. She found some barriers, but she managed to break through these with help from Spirit, working through me. (I found that opening myself to Spirit was no different for this kind of healing than it was for physical healing, only this time the advice I received was about what to say rather than what to do) I was guided to say what was needed to help her, even though she was a total stranger to me. She also found her pain and anguish, like I had, and the courage to take these into the Light. My client was extremely pleased and overawed with her experience.
Although I helped this lady to find the Light inside herself, she was in no way ready for spiritual experiences like I had, and my healing wasn’t an initiation. For it to be an initiation, I would have had to make an adjustment to her aura, called ‘opening the channels’. Martha didn’t need to do this for me, as I had already reached for the Light to give healing before my own initiation, which is also why I didn’t find any barriers as such. The doors I found were easy to open, whereas this lady’s barriers were far more substantial, and took a lot more work to overcome. Opening the doors was all I had left to do to complete the process and find my connection to Spirit.
I’ve been lucky, because I had my sister to help me along, but whenever a teacher is needed, a teacher will be found. All you need to do is know that he or she will find you, for that is how the Universe works. Everything is instigated by thought energy, which is why positive thought is so important. Once you become aware of the Love of Spirit, and know you are supported and guided in your quest for inner Truth, you’ll find it almost impossible to do anything but think positively. The more Light you absorb into your aura, the more positive your thinking becomes, and the quicker you can turn your life around.
Teachers can come to you in all kinds of ways. You may read a book or watch a program which you learn from or, like happened to me, you are drawn to them. Because I was interested in healing in any shape or form, I had studied acupressure and reflexology as a way to help the healing process, and to open my mind to different ways of healing. Three years after my initiation, I answered an advert from a herbalist, Gerald Green. Gerald wanted to pass his knowledge on to people who were not conventionally trained, as his approach was quite different from other herbalists. This suited me down to the ground, because my own approach to healing was quite ‘off the wall’ as well compared to other healers I had seen work. In my opinion people cannot call themselves healers just because they have followed a course and received a certificate. A certificate shows that they have been taught some theory of healing, but this doesn’t make them healers. A true healer doesn’t need a certificate. They only need three things: a compassionate nature, trust and a strong connection to the Light.
Gerald treats the worst diseases in the world with herbs, and is an absolute maverick at what he does. He taught me an enormous amount about the functions of the body, and how to treat it with herbs. He has a wonderful way of looking at a physical problem, and seeing connections which aren’t obvious to others. He is totally self taught and saved his own life after he had been sent home ‘to die’ by conventional doctors. He had been suffering from severe asthma and emphysema, which had already destroyed seventy percent of his lung capacity, and the doctors were no longer able to help him, so they discharged him from hospital. Back at home and in a wheelchair, he spent his days searching for a way to treat himself. He found his answer in herbs, and successfully treated himself with a combination of three, which stopped the disease in its tracks. Many friends and acquaintances who had seen how ill he had been, asked him how he’d managed to save his own life. It wasn’t long before they came to him, asking whether he could treat their illnesses too. While suffering from severe coronary heart disease himself (which he has now also treated successfully), he has saved many lives, and improved the quality of life of countless others.
Gerald specializes in auto-immune diseases, and many of his patients now enjoy up to 100% remission due to his advice and treatment. If anyone deserves recognition, it’s Gerald, because he is a very gifted and inspired healer in his field. However, because he won’t conform, doesn’t charge large amounts of money, and has proven time and again that his approach works where conventional medical treatment has failed, ‘Big Brother’ breathes heavily down his neck, and recognition is almost impossible to come by.
I had been training with Gerald for four years, when I got to know a hypnotherapist who opened my eyes to yet another approach to healing, by breaking down the barriers of the mind. Stan was one of our herbal patients, and because we tried to treat patients as holistically as possible, I got to know him quite well. I suppose he intrigued me, because he had been a successful hypnotherapist for twenty years, but had lost his confidence after having a severe heart attack and several strokes. These had scrambled his speech slightly, and he felt he couldn’t practice anymore.
He was a very open minded and interesting man to talk to. When I told him that I was a healer, he suggested that I came over to see him for a chat, as we might be able to help each other. When I met him, he made me feel very welcome and at ease. We talked for hours and it turned out that he had been searching for Spirit himself for some considerable time, having been to spiritualist churches and meditation groups. I’ve met an awful lot of people over the years who’ve told me the same: they’ve been searching for Spirit for a long time, but haven’t been successful. My answer to these people is always the same: you won’t find Spirit while you’re searching outside of yourself. Because we are all parts of the Light of Spirit, we need to search for the connection inside of us. Our aura shines out from our bodies. Therefore, logically, the first place to look for Spirit is inside of you!
Stan told me that he had been looking for somebody to teach and pass on his knowledge of hypnotherapy, but hadn’t found anyone so far. Again, his approach was quite ‘off the wall’, and he had had some brilliant results. However, other hypnotherapists were not open to his approach. He asked me if I would be interested in learning from him which, of course, I was. He only hypnotized me once, which was a very relaxing experience, but nothing like I had expected. It took me into what I recognized as a light meditative state. He told me afterwards that he had only put me under a light hypnosis, and that there were two deeper levels, which some good subjects could reach. The deeper the level of hypnosis, the more effective the power of suggestion is. I asked him why he had given up his practice, and he told me that he was afraid patients might misunderstand him, because his speech was a little scrambled. I realized that whereas I relied on Spirit, Stan relied on his voice and his (considerable) brainpower to heal. He had lost a lot of confidence because of his strokes. This saddened me, because hypnotherapy had been his life’s work, and he had had such great results. I assured him that I‘d had no problem at all understanding him while under hypnosis, and that I had full confidence in his ability. He thanked me, but was resigned never to work again. After I’d given him healing, he gave me some books to read, and I left.
It puzzled me that what Stan had called light hypnosis felt the same as what I would call a light meditative state, with the difference that I had only relaxed, and Stan had ‘talked me into’ this state. Was this what I did when I helped others to overcome their barriers to find the Light? During my own initiation I had felt as awake and aware as I normally am. The question kept me busy for some time. I couldn’t quite figure out what the connection was. I decided to meditate on it, and was told that I came close to hypnotizing when giving others this kind of healing of the mind, as I asked them to go inside and explore, but it was more like helping them into self-hypnosis. Taking them to a deeper level would show different barriers, usually of a more established kind. Finding and dealing with these barriers could accomplish healing of the mind and the body, and also be of significant help to balancing the personality. Spirit suggested that I take someone down to these levels. Although I had total faith in Spirit, my faith in myself wasn’t quite as strong. I didn’t feel ready for this, as I hadn’t been down to these levels myself, and didn’t know how I would be able to deal with what I might find. I needed some time to get used to the idea. Before I tell you how I eventually came to use this new way of healing, I should fill you in on some major happenings in my life at the time.
My eldest daughter had left home by then. When I had asked her at age eleven, the legal age for a child to choose which parent they want to live with, whether she wanted to live with her father, she had point blank refused. I had been prepared to give her up to him if that was what she wanted, but she didn’t. I was pleased, because I love her, and because he was a serious alcoholic with mental problems who wouldn’t have taken care of her properly, but I wanted her to be happy living with me and her sisters, which she definitely was not. She was aggressive, nasty and spiteful to me and her younger sister, and blamed us, and especially me, for everything that was wrong in her life. Only my youngest daughter could sometimes break through the wall she had built around her heart to keep us out.
When she was fifteen, she was in a very violent relationship. She came home with strangulation marks on her throat, and when I asked her how she got them, she told me that a stranger had attacked her, and that her boyfriend had saved her. A couple of weeks later she had been stabbed in the leg. I didn’t believe her story, like the last time, but she was furious when I begged her to leave this guy, and told me not to be stupid when I cried. I pleaded with her time and again to stop seeing him, but she constantly denied it was his doing, and I felt helpless and frustrated because she wouldn’t let me help her.
Her behaviour at home had been abusive, destructive and violent for years, and it was only getting worse. By the time she was nearly sixteen, my middle daughter was suicidal and my youngest was a nervous wreck. I decided enough was enough, and asked her to leave. I helped her to find all the help and support she needed, moved her things to her new home for her, and left her there. The pain I felt over having to do this was unbearable. I felt like I had ripped off one of my limbs, but I had no other choice. I had to consider my other daughters, and my own sanity. I cried for weeks on end, but with help from Spirit I managed to see it through.
Deeper Levels
Seven years after my initiation I had reached a stage in my spiritual process where I had to let go of my security, to enable me to reach higher. With the benefit of hindsight, I realise that it was necessary for me to feel the way I did, but being totally unaware of the reasons for it, at the time I experienced it all as quite traumatic.
My favourite cat, Winston, a big black tom, was very ill, and although I had given him healing, he wasn’t getting better. I took him to the vet, and they decided to do some tests. They phoned me after a few days, asking me to come over. I knew the news wasn’t good, and feared the worst. Win had chosen me as his favourite person since he was a kitten, following me everywhere I went, and I adored him. I was devastated when the vet told me that he had a tumour in the liver, and that they couldn’t save him. I couldn’t let them put him to sleep without having him home for another night, so we could all say goodbye. We were all very upset, and made a big fuss of him. He just purred through it all, but I’m convinced that he knew what was happening.
Late that night, when my daughters had gone to bed, I put him on my lap. He was purring as always, while I cried, and asked Spirit to send down the Light to heal my little friend. As the Light came down, Win suddenly went limp and died in my arms. In a panic, I begged him to come back, and he did. I was shocked, horrified, and extremely upset. Realizing that he had come back for me, I cried because I had been so selfish. I had meant for him to be healed, not to die. He was purring again, and I felt his unconditional love for me. He trusted me to decide the way of his death, but I wasn’t brave enough to bring the Light down again. I couldn’t bear the thought that I was capable of bringing death, even if it was merciful. Not when I loved him so much. He slept on my bed that night, and in the morning, in floods of tears I took him back to the vet. He purred all the way there, and was still purring in my arms when they injected him. I saw him go into the Light, and knew that he forgave me for not being able to let him go the night before. It broke my heart that I had been so selfish, when he loved me so unconditionally. I realized what a wonderful gift he had given me. He had taught me how enormous the power I work with really is, and freely shown me his unconditional love. It left me with a deep sadness, but also an immense, very humbling gratitude.
When I tried to phone Martha, she wasn’t at home, as she had gone to stay with a friend for a few days. Not being able to speak to her made me feel even more alone because she was the only person I knew who would understand. I meditated a lot that week, in between trying to console my children. Meditation was the best way I knew to grieve, because of the comfort and support I received from Spirit. After a few days, my contact suddenly stopped. At first this worried me, until I realized that I had broken through another barrier, only this time it seemed that I had to let go of everything I had relied on before. Normally I would have contacted Martha, but I knew I would have to let go of her too, as my teacher and support, as she herself had predicted years before. I had reached another level and would need time to adjust again, as before.
About a month after Win’s death, I was sitting at my kitchen table reading, when I suddenly became aware of an enormous Angel standing by my side. I was speechless – I had had no contact of any kind, I wasn’t even meditating, and suddenly this wonderful, amazingly beautiful Angel just appeared in my kitchen!
It seemed made of Light, Its wings had all the soft pastel colours of the rainbow, and never in my wildest dreams had I imagined such absolute beauty. I felt totally embraced by the Love It emanated, and said I was grateful for Its presence. When It spoke to me, Its voice was clear and commanding in my head. It told me Its name was Oreon and that It had come to guide me. I asked what I was meant to do, and It told me that I was to lead all those who would be led to the Light of Love and Healing. I couldn’t quite understand how I could do that, and It explained that big and profound changes were coming, which would affect the whole of humanity. These changes were as yet beyond our comprehension, although messages of explanation had been sent to enlightened souls through time. It told me that the fifth dimension, the world of Spirit was coming closer, bringing unimaginable amounts of Love. It was coming to help push up our vibration, so that we would all be able to work with the Love which would accompany the changes. It said that because of my progress and awareness, I was one of the people able to help others understand and come to terms with this; that I and others like me were links in a chain of events which would start major changes, the likes of which would not be seen again. When I said that I found it hard to consider myself capable of doing this, Its voice boomed: “Will you stay behind and dither when you are called by the Light? Or will you work with the Light and Love of Spirit?” I answered that I would do my very best, whatever was asked of me. It smiled at me, and said that I would never be asked to do anything which was beyond my abilities, as the Light works only with Love. It told me that It would always be there whenever I needed help, and just to call. Then Oreon disappeared, leaving me bewildered, but very excited.
After all this time without contact, out of the blue, I was visited by an Angel! I was totally bowled over by Its beauty – I could never have imagined anything so beautiful!
I hadn’t been at all sure whether Angels actually existed, yet here I was, in my kitchen, being visited by one! Suddenly I heard Oreon’s booming voice, telling me that faith will always be rewarded. This made me feel very humble. How could I have ever deserved to receive so much Love? And how much Spirit must trust me to give me such a task! I felt it was an enormous honour, although I still had no idea what it entailed, but when I thought about Oreon’s words, I could only trust that I would be able to cope.
A couple of weeks before Oreon’s visit, I had met a man who I’d fallen madly in love with. I had no idea then, that he would be the catalyst to start a process in me, which would ultimately reveal unimaginable power within me. During this time, I also found my way in to using the theory of hypnosis which I had learned from Stan.
CHAPTER 7
Spiral Stairs
Gary, the new man in my life, was the best thing since sliced bread, as far as I was concerned. However, he was honest with me, and told me that he wasn’t ready for any kind of steady relationship. I knew that I couldn’t make him feel the same way for me, but couldn’t switch off my own feelings. We saw each other once a week for a couple of months, and my frustration was beginning to tell on me, although I tried not to show it. I meditated a lot, and often communicated with Oreon, which gave me comfort and strength, for which I was very grateful.
A few months before, I had run a small spiritual development group for my friends, because they had asked me to. This had finished by the time of Oreon’s first visit, but once It had told me what my task was to be, I realized that this could be a way forward for me. I asked Oreon whether I should start running groups for others. It said that It had hoped I would make this connection, and that it had support from the spirit world. It told me that there were many people ready to start the search inside, and that they would be given the impetus to come to my group. I advertised and got quite a large response, as Oreon had predicted. I found the community centre nearby had a large, quiet room for hire, and within three weeks I started my first group.
I soon found that most of the people who came had preconceptions, as they seemed to expect some kind of Spiritualist Church meeting. I had been to some of these meetings a few years before, but found that their main emphasis was on giving proof of life after death. I had already established that as truth before my own initiation, and although it can bring comfort, I feel it is wrong to encourage people to hold on to the past by giving messages from the spirit world. In my opinion, people should be helped to let go, in order to move on with their lives, and make progress. Mediumship and healing seemed to be their main goals when it came to developing spiritual abilities, but in my own experience they were just some of many wonderful gifts found along the way, and I intended to go way beyond them.
I asked the people in the group to try and keep an open mind, as there were many different gifts to be found inside besides mediumship. They found it very strange that I worked totally alone (to them I did, of course), without the backing of a church or an organization. My answer to this was that I had not needed any organization in the search for myself. How could others help me with that? I didn’t intend to tell them how to find themselves, only they could do that. What I hoped to do was to give them the tools with which to make a start, and help and support when they needed it. They found this very strange, and when I asked them what they had expected, they answered that I should set them rules to work by. This made me laugh. How could there be any rules when everyone was totally different? I told them that I could give them guide lines, but rules restrict freedom, and personal freedom through awareness is the ultimate goal in the search for Self. I asked them how they thought they could find freedom if they started by restricting themselves, and explained that spiritual development is all about breaking through personal fears and barriers, to eventually find freedom of spirit, but they didn’t understand. The bottom line was that they wanted me to tell them exactly what their gifts were, so that they could start to develop and eventually work with these. I could in fact do this, but how would that help them? They thought I would give them a ‘quick fix’! The thought that they would have to work at it themselves didn’t appeal to them at all.
Needless to say, this first group didn’t do very well, nor did the second. It wasn’t until I started the third group, that I finally had some people I could really work with. By then I had become aware of the fact that, even though my intention had been to help others, I was the one learning the most! I learned to vocalize my own knowledge and internal processes, and to communicate at any level. Perhaps the most important thing I learned was to be the go-between for teachings straight from Spirit to the people in my group, as I had to keep my connection open for the greater part of two hours! I would meditate before taking the group, ask which subjects I should speak about, write these down as a guide, and open up to input from Spirit (via Oreon) during the session. I was amazed at my own abilities. What a way to be taught!
With all the frustrations of running groups, plus the emotional strain of my love life, bringing up my girls, and keeping my home in some semblance of order, I often felt exhausted and sorry for myself. Eventually, I realized that I was starting to become like my mother, who had acted like a victim all of her life. That shocked me, and I tried to change my attitude, but was only partially successful. I asked Oreon for help while meditating, and was told to go inside. I was shown a rock face, and the dark entrance to a cave, which didn’t appeal to me at all. I had always gone to the Light, and shied away from darkness. Did Oreon really want me to go in there? In the end all I could do was trust that It knew what I needed. The Angel told me to call Its name if I needed help, so I went inside.
It was dark and frightening, but in the dim light I could see a flight of stairs going down right in front of me. I figured that as long as I held on to the walls, I couldn’t get lost, so I started going down. The stairs spiralled down and down, and I didn’t encounter anything that frightened me, although I was uncomfortable being in the dark. After a while, I became aware of the dim, flickering light of a small fire, and I continued until I came to a kind of room. A woman sat facing the fire, with her back towards me. She looked totally dejected, with her face in her hands, and by the shaking of her shoulders I could tell that she was crying. I asked if I could help her, which made her sob louder, and her anguish was so obvious, that I just went over and put my hand on her shoulder. She turned her face towards me, moving her hands away. I was shocked to the core. I was looking at my own face, into my own eyes!
She was bleeding from wounds all over her face and body, and the anguish in her eyes was more than I could bear. She was the embodiment of the agony I felt in my soul. She was my Shadow, the dark side of my inner self. When I embraced her, I felt her pain sear through me. I hugged and kissed her to comfort her, and told her that now I had found her, I would look after her and help her to heal. I asked her to come back with me, and spoke of sunshine and happiness, but she refused, saying that she didn’t want others to see her. I assured her that I would never leave her side, that we would face everything together. With that, I picked her up and carried her up those long stairs. It seemed to take forever, as she wouldn’t co-operate and cried all the way. When we finally reached the top of the stairs, Oreon was there with the Light. As soon as I, with her in my arms, walked into the Light, it was as if she disappeared into me. I don’t know whether I cried with sadness or happiness, but they were healing tears.
All my life I had had an irrational fear of the dark, and it occurred to me that ignoring the dark, and always only reaching out to the Light, couldn’t be right. I had viewed life in a very imbalanced way. Light and dark must balance each other out, even if you choose to ignore the fact that these polarities exist. The pendulum can only swing so far one way before it must go back the other way. It had made its swing into the Light up until now, returned to the centre, and begun its swing into the dark. Like the Yin Yang symbol, there is no balance unless both light and dark are present, and there can be no wholeness. The time had come to reach inside, into the dark unknown. It was time for me to face my own subconscious, and I had already seen a side of me that I hadn’t liked very much. I had found and embraced this part of me however, and I had not been able to stop myself from acting like a victim before going into the cave, no matter how I’d tried. I felt like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders by confronting and embracing that part of me, and I could hardly believe how easy it had really been. By breaking through my fear of the dark, through my trust in Oreon, I had gone into my subconscious, and freed myself from a weakness that had ruled my life, and that made me feel elated.
This, in principal, was what Stan had done for his patients, and I recognized the connection, but couldn’t yet see how I could help others to do the same. I had no wish to do it for them, like Stan had done. I knew he had had great results, but I didn’t think it could possibly bring about the amount of change I felt could be achieved if they managed to willingly do it themselves. These problems were in their own subconscious – so they should bring them into consciousness themselves for optimum results.
The Demon Within
Having confronted the victim in myself, I realized that I still had many other barriers to overcome, if I really wanted to take control of my own existence. My need for security for instance, was born of a fear of not being able to cope with life’s problems alone. I was afraid that I wouldn’t have enough money to provide for my children. I was afraid that I wasn’t doing the right things for them. I was afraid of losing the people I loved, I was afraid to be alone, and so on, and on, and on. My life was totally ruled by my fears! I worried myself silly all the time, and for what? All these fears were barriers that held me back from finding the real me, the person I could become. I knew there had to be a person inside of me who wasn’t governed by fears, someone who was confident, strong and capable of anything. If I could break through these barriers, I would be well on my way to becoming that person, and in total control of my life. I decided that if going into my cave and down the spiral stairs was the answer to overcoming the victim, then surely it would work for all of my fears as well.
I thought I might as well deal with all of them at once if I could, so I asked Oreon if it was safe to do this. The Angel told me that it would take a great deal of courage and perseverance, because it would not be easy to confront them all at once. I asked It to please keep listening out for me, as this was exactly what I intended to do.
Before I describe my experience, I should tell you that I do not recommend for anyone to do what I did and confront all their fears at once, unless directed to do so by Spirit. There is no need, as it can be done in stages, at your own pace, which is safer. Not that I was in any real danger at any time, because Oreon was there as my safeguard, but it takes a lot of mental strength, an iron determination, and total faith and trust. It is also not necessary to go down the stairs in darkness. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I could have shone the Light I had absorbed so many times, which would have made it far less frightening. However, I know that doing it this way was right for me, because I had to make progress fast, to be able to deal with the changes ahead.
I had to go deeper than before to find what I was looking for this time, and although I thought I was prepared and ready for what was coming, I have never been so scared. There was no fire this time, and it was pitch black. I sensed her because I felt cold shivers up my spine when I reached her. I spoke to her, trying to connect with her in some way, and asked if she would like to come up with me into the Light. She didn’t answer, but I felt her coming closer, and then she attacked me from behind. She was sheer cold, faceless terror, and she was big. She was enormous, and I was petrified, but I wouldn’t give in. I told myself that she wasn’t real, just illusion, and some of her weight lifted. Next, I felt enormous, icy hands around my throat, strangling me. I told her that she couldn’t hurt me because she was just an illusion, and she stopped. I sensed her right in front of me, and put my arms out to embrace her. She gave a terrible scream, which went right through me, and I would have let her go through sheer horror then, if I hadn’t realized that she was powerless in my embrace. I dragged her up the stairs, and she began to sob, begging me not to abandon her when we got out. I told her that I would always be with her, and she need never be afraid again. Oreon was there with the Light when we came out, and she disappeared before I had a chance to look at her, but I knew she was pitch black, like the impenetrable darkness she came from.
When I thanked Oreon for Its help, the Angel said that I had done even better than expected, and that I had made It proud. It gave me a hug and left. I was overjoyed, so pleased that I had done it, and then realized for the first time how light and free I felt!
My spiritual experiences had given me confidence that I was no longer ‘adrift on the tide’ of my life, and that I could actually control certain aspects of it. I decided to make some changes, and my relationship with Gary had been especially frustrating. I am an ‘all or nothing’ kind of person, and meeting up one night of the week wasn’t enough for me. I had fallen for him hook, line and sinker, and if he didn’t want any more involvement, then I was quite prepared to stop it there and then.
I was a nervous wreck when I met him, because I didn’t want to lose him, but I was determined to change things one way or another. I told him exactly how I felt. To my absolute amazement, he gave me that lovely grin of his and told me that he was ready for some more commitment, and happy to see more of me. I was speechless. Never before in my life had I been as assertive, or as determined to make changes, but deep down, I had still had my doubts about being capable of it. I was absolutely elated!
Once I realized that I had been able to steer an important part of my life in the direction I wanted, I had the courage to make other changes. It opened up another new perspective for me. I had never felt so strong and confident before.
Not long after my conversation with Gary, I was meditating, and because it was January, I asked what this year would have in store for me. For some time I had had the feeling that it would be a very momentous year for me, but I didn’t know why.
I had the most astounding vision. I saw myself giving birth. I asked who the father of this baby was, and was told it was Gary. The baby was in the breach position, and it was a very traumatic labour. In the end it was clear that one of us would die, and I chose life for my baby. I asked what the baby’s name would be, and was told that it would be Kiran, which means “Ray of Light”. I was then shown how powerful and gifted this child would be, and felt extremely happy to have given birth to, and my life for this baby.
I was very confused about my vision, as it was not likely that Gary and I would have a baby. Gary had already told me that children were not part of his plans and I already had three of my own. I asked several times, during other meditations, what the meaning of this vision was, but I never received an answer. I tried to tell myself that it might have been wishful thinking on my part, as I would happily have had Gary’s child if he’d wanted it, but couldn’t believe my imagination could play such an elaborate trick on me. I didn’t know what to think of it in the end, and tried to put it to the back of my mind.
Gary and I got on extremely well and my feelings for him deepened. About three months into our relationship, I told him I loved him, even though I knew what his reaction would be. He told me that he cared about me, but couldn’t say that he loved me, and he was worried that I would get hurt. My response to that was that it was my emotion, and therefore my responsibility. I was pleased I had told him, because I had no intention of hiding my feelings from him. I fully intended to show them. Not telling him would have felt like a denial to me, and I was not going to live a lie. He was very surprised that I expected nothing in return. He didn’t realize that he made me feel more loved than I had ever felt in a relationship, and I was so happy, that I was prepared to wait for the words.
Death
Even though I had tried to put my vision about the baby’s birth and my own death to the back of my mind, it came back again and again when I meditated. I asked what it meant every time, but I didn’t receive an answer, so I knew I would have to work it out for myself. The only way I could explain it however, was in a physical way, although I doubted that it could be that year, because it was already too far into the year, allowing for a nine month pregnancy. It was constantly on my mind, and I couldn’t shake it off. In the end I decided to speak to Gary about it, although I couldn’t tell him that I would lose my life giving birth to his child. I felt quite daunted by the prospect of telling him, because it wasn’t what he wanted, and I didn’t want him to think that I was planning to have his baby against his wishes. We had always been totally honest with each other, and because he could tell I was wrestling with a problem, he asked me what it was. It took a lot of courage, but I told him, omitting the part about my death.
Gary wasn’t as spiritually aware as I was, but he was very open minded about it, and always treated my feelings with respect, even though he couldn’t always understand my spiritual connection or my visions. He respected me for who I was, and seemed to accept them as part of the package. I had given him healing, and we had spoken about meditation and other aspects of what I do, including some other visions I’d had before. He was very taken aback by this one though, as I was myself, and tactfully asked whether it might not be possible that it had been my imagination. I told him that I had considered that, but thought it highly unlikely, because it had come back repeatedly. He asked me whether I would really be prepared to go through such a traumatic birth to have his baby, if he wanted one. I told him I would, and he was speechless. We tried to think of ways to explain it, but really didn’t know what to make of it. In the end, he put it down to wishful thinking on my part, for which I couldn’t blame him, because I couldn’t explain it myself. We didn’t speak about it much afterwards.
My life had been like a roller coaster ride for some time by then, losing my cat, letting go of the support I had had from Martha, meeting Gary, Oreon appearing, all the new doors opening spiritually, and running my groups. I wouldn’t have been able to cope as well as I did, had it not been for my good friend Geoff. Geoff and I had met the year before, and became great friends. We had a lot in common from the start. Geoff’s main interest is in the metaphysical, which connects with the spiritual on many levels, we are both healers and write poetry, and our views and awareness are very similar. Geoff and I would talk for hours, sometimes right through the night. He was my rock during those difficult times. He taught me numerology, which opened even more doorways in my mind, helping me make connections I had never been able to see before. He was always interested in my spiritual experiences and visions, and helped me to make sense of them. Quite often, my experiences helped him to make connections, as his did for me. I could always trust Geoff to speak the truth, sometimes bluntly, as only great friends can, and he was able to open my eyes to many things going on inside me that I hadn’t even been aware of.
Once you’ve begun the search for Truth, you often find ‘pieces of the puzzle’ which don’t seem to fit or link up anywhere, although you know they’re important. This is when it helps to speak to others who are also searching, to make the connections. These may seem like nothing at first, until someone says something that makes the pieces click into place, and suddenly you realize you’re on to something important. When this happens, it opens up a whole new perspective for you, and there are always more questions that don’t seem to have any answers. All you need to do then, is trust that these will be provided, and be aware that they usually come in ways you least expect. These pieces of information are the keys that will allow you to unlock parts of your mind, to open doors to new abilities, knowledge and wisdom.
Looking back over that time, I’m amazed at the progress I made, although I felt like my life was in total chaos. I’d had to stop worrying about the little things, as I was too busy dealing with the big things that were happening. My entire life had turned upside down, and the only way to cope was to go with the flow, and deal with things as they happened. I tried not to plan anything, as things were happening so fast, that plans were useless as soon as they were made. Chaos doesn’t allow for plans.
My relationship with Gary was extremely important to me, and for a long time I was ecstatically happy just being with him whenever it suited him. He was self employed, and had a busy life which involved a lot of travelling. This didn’t bother me, as I saw him whenever he was back in town, but after a few months I started to feel that he was shutting me out of the rest of his life, which hurt. I told myself that I was paranoid, but couldn’t stop feeling that he didn’t want me to meet his friends and family. I didn’t have the courage to broach the subject, as there was a chance that his answer might shatter my dreams, and I couldn’t face the thought of that.
I began to feel that I had been compartmentalized into one part of his life, and that was where he wanted me to stay. Although very unwilling, I had to admit to myself that our relationship wasn’t as good as I had hoped, and it started to tear me apart because I adored him. I had never allowed myself to fall as deeply or passionately in love with anyone before. I told him I loved him many times, and he told me that he cared, which I knew was true, but in the end it just wasn’t enough. I was starting to feel desperate.
One night I told him I loved him, and he said that he knew, because he could see it in my eyes, but that he had never felt love like that for anyone. I then asked him whether he thought he would ever be able to love me. As I expected, his answer was totally honest, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks. He said that he didn’t know. I was devastated and walked away crying. After a while he came after me and gave me a hug, but his words had shattered all my dreams. I was faced with a choice between carrying on in this relationship and living in hope indefinitely, and probably getting hurt even more in the end (if that was possible), or finishing it.
I totally fell apart. I felt I couldn’t live without him, yet I couldn’t live with the knowledge that he didn’t love me any more. I couldn’t wait for his love any longer. I felt deeply sad because he had never felt real love before, and I couldn’t help him to feel it. Because I loved him so much, I had to give him the chance to experience love as well. Leaving him was my only option, but it broke my heart, and nearly destroyed me.
When I meditated, I was totally beyond it, and Oreon enveloped me in Its beautiful wings, which gave me enormous amounts of comfort. Then, I was again shown the birth, my death, and the baby for whom I’d chosen life. Oreon told me that I was the baby, and suddenly it all made sense. I had been shown my own death and rebirth!
It was a breech birth so the baby was effectively born upside down, and this corresponded with my feelings of what had happened. No wonder the birth was so traumatic. Not only had my life been turned upside down, but for the first time in my life, I had loved deeply, and not had my feelings returned. I felt like I should be dead as well, because it felt like my heart had been ripped out of my body. I had never known emotional pain as severe as that. It was as if I had been kicked, full force, in the solar plexus, and I had never imagined emotional pain could feel as physical as that.
A few days later, I met Gary, with the intention of telling him, but I couldn’t utter a word, so I gave him the poetry I had written. He knew what I was trying to tell him, and after reading the poetry, he came to give me a hug. This opened the flood gates, and I cried like never before. In my poetry I had explained exactly how my vision had come true. He was the father of this child, because he had been the catalyst that had started this process in me, a process which had been necessary for my spiritual progress, and I thanked him for it. I didn’t blame him for the pain I felt, because my love for him had done this to me. I explained how I was the child now, as the person I had been had died, and I could never be the same again. I was the child born from love that wasn’t to be.
He asked me if I was sure this was right for me, and I nodded. Then he asked me not to do this, as it would make us both unhappy. He just wasn’t able to say what I needed to hear. I asked him to make love to me one last time, which was one of the most loving experiences of my life. Afterwards, I forced myself to leave.
CHAPTER 8
Rebirth
In my life, I had been abused, bereaved, and I had given birth three times, but nothing compared to the pain I felt. I was like a zombie. I couldn’t eat, and did nothing but cry. My children were upset, and didn’t know what to do. I felt bad about upsetting them, but couldn’t help myself. I had to grieve.
During meditation, I seemed to travel a lot, as if I was taken on long journeys, from which I didn’t remember anything other than that I had been away. I was too numb at the time to care, leave alone ask where I had been, and just totally gave myself over to Spirit. I don’t think I really wanted to come back, but I was brought back every time.
After crying for days, I had to come back from the emotional black hole I was in, for my children’s sake, and started taking the dog for long walks. I was still in agony with the pain in my solar plexus, but walking helped me to let out my tears, so that they were a little easier to control at home. I would just walk, letting the dog lead me, unaware of where I was or how I got there, not caring. I often sat down and meditated while I was out, which opened the flood gates every time because of the comfort I was given. Sometimes I was being rocked like a baby, which was really what I was emotionally at the time. I couldn’t express myself, and I couldn’t do things I normally did. I could only cry like a baby. This realization helped me to allow myself just to ‘be’, and not feel guilty. I was just letting life happen, and eventually, slowly I began to feel a part of it again.
Geoff also helped me, by dragging me out of the house for nights on the town. I had to force myself to go at first, encouraged by my kids, but I soon realized that it was a good way to escape from my pain for a while, and I was grateful for it. Although I felt very raw, and still cried a lot, life gradually became more bearable.
One day, during meditation, I asked where I had been taken when I’d travelled, and I was told to go there and find out. I didn’t know where to look, but decided to let my spirit take me there, because even though I hadn’t been consciously aware, I knew the knowledge would be in my subconscious, and my spirit could connect with everything. I travelled a great distance, in quite a short time, and found myself in an extremely brilliant Light. The euphoric feeling of total Love I experienced in this Light cannot be described in words. I had never felt anything like it before, and cried with happiness. The ecstasy I felt was indescribable and I knew I could never have come back from the emotional death I had experienced, had it not been for this Love. It had sustained my spirit when I had given up on living. I couldn’t stay there very long, and I realized that this immense Love could never be found on Earth, which made me feel hopeless. I knew that I would never feel totally loved during this lifetime by any man, because Love like I had just felt is impossible here. It can only exist in that dimension.
I felt very confused. Why allow me to feel such Love when I would have to wait until my death to achieve it? I couldn’t think of an answer to that, so I asked. Once in the Light, I suddenly found the most beautiful brown eyes looking at me with such endless Love, that it made my heart lurch. I recognized those eyes! A distant memory came rushing back to me, and I wondered how I could ever have forgotten. This was my soul mate! I searched for a name in my memory, but couldn’t find it. I remembered what had happened to us though, and it made me cry helplessly. We lived in Love in another dimension, and were asked if we were willing to help humanity. Out of Love, we answered that we would do whatever we could to help. We were told that it would mean sacrificing our Love temporarily, but that we would be reunited. We agreed, because we knew that we would have eternity in the end. I came into this incarnation, and he stayed behind to help me. Because of the enormous amount of Love between us, we knew that we would always reach out for each other, which would help me to connect with his dimension. Our connection would make it possible for me to do what I was sent here to do. When he was sure I remembered he let me feel his endless Love for me. Then he left, and my meditation finished.
The thought that my soul mate would never physically come into my life was devastating. I felt such utter despair, that I wanted to join him there. Only the thought of my children kept me from it. I could not believe that I could ever have willingly made a sacrifice like that. How could I have given up our Love to live this whole life without him? What could I possibly be meant to do in this life that could be more important?
I felt angry, cheated and desolate. The thought that I would never find real love in this life was almost too much to bear, and I felt that nothing I could possibly do in the spiritual field could ever make up for that sacrifice.
That was my first, and very human reaction, but I look at it very differently now.
New Awareness
As mentioned before, my third spiritual development group did very well.
They were a small group of only five people, who had all had some kind of spiritual experiences before, and responded very well to my ‘off the wall’ kind of teaching. They were willing to accept that it was necessary for them to find their own way in to their spirituality, and explore their gifts, using the tools I had shown them.
At the end of the first course, they asked me for an advanced course, which I was very pleased to do. As before, I would meditate and ask what the subject of the session should be. We were about half way through the advanced course, when Oreon suggested that I taught my group the meditation to go inside. I asked how I would be able to do this with a group, and was told to do it in exactly the same way in which I helped others to the Light for emotional healing. This started me thinking. I knew that whenever I did that, something strange always happened to my voice, in the way that it would become soft, warm, and almost a monotone. I didn’t seem to have any control over it at such times, but I knew that it helped the person to enter into a deeper level of meditation than usual.
Suddenly the pieces of the puzzle fell into place! I would, with Oreon’s guidance, be able to help my group to go down their own spiral stairs with the help of my voice. Then it struck me that this, in a way, was a modified version of Stan’s hypnosis! I would be helping them to go down into their own subconscious, so they would be able to free themselves of their barriers to healing and progress. This had to be even more effective than hypnotherapy, because they would be doing it themselves, fully aware and willing to make changes. Also, once I had helped them to do this a few times, they would hopefully be able to do it themselves. It would be another, extremely useful tool I could give them to help with their own search for Self. Of course, I had to try it out first.
That evening, I explained to the group what I wanted to try. I also asked their permission, as this was an experiment in a way, and I needed to be sure that they were ready and willing to take this step. I explained that going inside had had an enormous impact on me, and that it would be one of the most valuable tools I could teach them.
They were all eager to try, and I found it quite easy to lead them through the meditation. Of course they all experienced something different from what I had faced the first time, as was to be expected, but with help from Oreon, I was able to help them to make sense of it. They were all very enthusiastic about it, and we did the meditation several more times before the end of the course, so that they were able to carry on by themselves. The satisfaction of teaching people to help themselves in this way was immense, and so was my gratitude to Spirit, for showing me how to use yet another wonderful ability.
I had also gone into a different phase of my ability to heal. Combining my knowledge of the physical body, which I had learned from Gerald, with my increased confidence and vision, I had been performing spiritual operations for a couple of years by then, with great results. For instance, I had been able to replace the cartilage in a painful joint, with matter given to me by Spirit, which would last for three to six months, before a ‘top up’ was necessary. One middle aged man, who came to me for treatment, because he hoped to delay having a hip replacement operation, told me when coming back after six months, that he had been able “to run around like a spring chicken again”, because of my treatment.
I had by then developed another new way to view energy blockages in the body, just by placing my hand on the third eye or forehead chakra, and concentrating on the person I was working on. This would produce a picture in my mind of the body, in green, and any energy blockages, which I would see in red. Sometimes, I would also see orange areas, which were relevant to the problem I was working on, or which sometimes pointed to old problems, which had somehow gone unnoticed, hadn’t healed properly, or been ignored. This new ability was a great help when trying to find the cause of a problem. However, the root cause of all physical problems is fear, and therefore it is essential to treat people as holistically as possible. My spiral stairs meditation is a wonderful way to confront and neutralize any fears. It does however take courage.
I was given a special ability to treat a young man with cancer which I feel deserves a mention. This young man, then seventeen, and his girlfriend, came to me for a reading, and I had seen in his palm that he would have a physical problem within a year’s time. As he rode a motorbike, I told him to please be very careful, to avoid any accidents. I didn’t want to make too big a thing about it, because I didn’t want to frighten him. I wasn’t told exactly what his problem would be, and although I asked, I didn’t get an answer. Whatever it was, all I could do was warn him that he would have a physical problem within a year.
His girlfriend phoned me less than a year later. She told me that he had been diagnosed with lymphatic cancer, and he had asked her to phone me, to ask if I would give him healing. I took down the details of the hospital where he had been taken, and asked her to tell him that I would visit him the next day.
I hadn’t treated cancer before, and wasn’t sure what the best approach would be, so I meditated and asked for guidance. I was surprised to be told to hold out my right hand, which I did. Starting at my fingertips, an icy cold suddenly began to move up my hand, stopping just past my wrist. I asked what this was, and was told that it was a special kind of healing energy to treat cancer. When I asked how I should use it, Spirit told me that all I would need to do was put my hand on his forehead for two minutes. I would be able to access his whole body through the third eye chakra.
It didn’t seem enough somehow, but I did exactly as Spirit had told me the next day at the hospital. I was shaking from head to toe while giving healing, because I had gone icy cold all over. I explained to him that my hands usually get warm or even hot during healing, but that I had been given this special healing energy to treat him. We sat and talked for a while afterwards, and he told me that he was due to start chemotherapy treatment two days later. I asked him to ask the doctors for a blood test before starting treatment. This just flopped out of my mouth, and I had no idea why at the time. He said that he would, and after promising to keep him in my thoughts, I left.
I found out later, from his girlfriend, why the blood test had been so important. It turned out that it is the way cancer cells are counted. His last test had been the day before I visited him, and his cancer cell count was 14930. The blood test that was done before chemotherapy treatment showed around 9000 cancer cells. His cancer cell count had dropped by nearly 6000! The doctors had no explanation for this, and asked him if he’d had any kind of treatment between the tests. He replied that he had only received healing. They didn’t believe it possible that healing could lower his cancer cell count at all, leave alone to such a degree, so they checked and double checked their records. They couldn’t find any other explanation for it however, so they decided that a mistake must have been made in the results of the first test. I was quite disappointed about that, to be honest, but I was over the moon with the result of the healing.
I could not give him healing while he was having chemotherapy, as I was told the two don’t work well together, but I saw him again afterwards. I was able to boost his organs, and especially his liver, to work properly again, and speed up his recovery. He had been told that he would need an operation, as he still had a tumour behind his stomach, so I treated that as well, visualizing it shrinking and disappearing. Two weeks later I treated him again, and his girlfriend phoned me not long after. She told me that the doctors were amazed, because his tumor seemed to have disappeared ‘of its own accord’, and he was now in 100% remission.
Another case which I feel deserves a mention was a lady who had had gynaecological problems for some time. She had just received the results of her last test, which showed that she was suffering from fibroids. Her specialist had shown her the fibroids on an X-ray and told her that the only answer to her problems was a hysterectomy. She was still quite young, and didn’t want to have the operation, so she asked me for help. While giving her healing, I visualized the fibroids shrivelling up until they were gone. When I had finished, I suggested that she got a second opinion from another specialist, which she thought was a good idea. She phoned me about a month afterwards, saying that she had just come back from the second specialist, who wondered why she had come to see him, as she didn’t have any fibroids! He had shown her the X-ray, and she said she couldn’t believe her eyes, as there was nothing there at all!
My next step in healing of the body seemed to me as if it happened out of sheer frustration. A foreign student in his twenties came to me with a painful arm. He had had X-rays taken some time ago, which didn’t show anything, and the doctors couldn’t explain his pain. He had been given pain killers, but these didn’t stop it. He was staying with my friends, as they had a massive house and took in students. They suggested I might be able to help him, as they had both come to see me with various problems for healing over the years, which I had treated successfully.
When he arrived and explained the problem, it was obvious to me that he was very sceptical of healing, and that he had only come to me because he was desperate. I put my hand on his arm, and was able to tell him that he had a cyst, lodged between the muscle bundles. I showed him the moves which would hurt him the most. He was quite surprised at this, as these moves did cause him the greatest pain. I asked Spirit for advice, and was told that I would have to treat him with three different healing techniques. This time I was to treat him with Light, so I visualized a ball of brilliant white Light, and put it into his arm. The young man was quite bemused, as it felt very warm.
The next time he came, he told me that the pain had lessened a little, but hadn’t gone. I was told to spiritually operate on him this time. I put my hands on his arm and visualized the operation, during which I removed the cyst from between the muscle bundles, and out through the side of his arm. He had felt some tugging and pulling during this treatment, but it had caused him no pain. I must admit, I had expected a positive result from the operation, but when he next came, he told me that the pain had not gone, in fact it had worsened. There was also an obvious red bump on the side of his arm. I put my hand on it, and asked Spirit in sheer frustration what else I could do to remove the cyst. I was told to listen to this young man’s vibration. I had no idea how or why, but I listened psychically for what I intuitively knew must be a humming sound, which I actually became aware of quite quickly. I was then instructed to take this – quite low – sound up several octaves, to the highest pitch I could ‘hear’ in my mind. Once I had done this, to my surprise, what had been a solid arm suddenly became what I can only describe as a greyish-pink ‘soup’, with one black lump floating in it! I was told to float the lump out of the ‘soup’, and bring the vibration back down to normal, which I did. The young man had felt nothing during this process, apart from a slight heat coming from my hands. I told him that he would not have to come back again, as Spirit had told me that the cyst would be gone within a few days. He seemed doubtful of this, but didn’t say anything.
My friends phoned me a few days later, to tell me that he had developed a large red lump on the side of his arm two days after I’d treated him, which had burst the next day, and seeped quite a lot of fluid. The pain had gone that same day, and it had healed up very quickly after that. My first vibrational healing had been a success. I have used it many times since that first time, with similar results. The miracles of healing never cease to amaze me!
CHAPTER 9
Confidence and Self Awareness
Twelve years on, I had moved a long way away from the person I had been during my marriage. I had grown in confidence and self awareness, and was an awful lot more self assured than I used to be. My ex-husband however, still hadn’t put the past behind him, and was causing an awful lot of trouble even then. My two daughters by him were in their late teens, and my eldest was living away from home. My middle daughter wanted nothing to do with him, but still he would phone at every opportunity, usually while very drunk, to intentionally cause trouble. I had refused to speak to him for years by then, and usually just hung up on him.
One morning he called again, seemingly sober for a change, and I decided to speak to him, in the hope that I might get through to him. I asked why he was still phoning me, more than twelve years after being divorced. There were still unresolved issues he said, which we needed to talk about. I said that I had left all issues which concerned him behind years ago. He didn’t believe me, as he felt that I hated him. I told him that he was wrong; I didn’t hate him at all. He said he couldn’t believe that either, as he had been extremely nasty and violent during our marriage. I had forgiven him for all that a long time ago, I told him, and that he should try to forgive himself. He asked if I would come to dinner with him, so we could talk. Hoping that I might be able to stop him causing trouble for my girls, I agreed, on condition that he would be, and stay, sober.
We met in a pub a few days later. He was sober, as promised, and commented on the fact that I had changed; I was far more confident, and he wondered what had caused it. I told him a little about my spiritual experiences, but he didn’t have a clue what I was talking about. I asked him about these issues he felt we needed to speak about. To my surprise, he apologized for the nasty things he had done to me. I told him there was no need for apologies any more. In fact, I wanted to thank him for what he had done back then. He thought I had gone stark raving mad, and his chin nearly hit the floor. I explained that if he hadn’t done those things, I wouldn’t have left him, which was the best decision I had ever made, and I wouldn’t have embarked on an amazing spiritual journey. I told him that I loved and enjoyed my life now, and was really happy with the person I had become. Most unusual for him, he didn’t have much to say after that. His silence continued during the meal. I suppose I had taken all the wind out of his sails. He didn’t phone for quite a while after that.
When I got home after meeting him, I sat down and wondered exactly when I had started to change. Perhaps it had started with my Near Death Experience, when I had first felt real love? In an abusive relationship, you’re stubbornly holding on to what you believe to be love, afraid to let go, because you don’t think you’ll ever find love again. Once you’ve found the courage to leave, you look back and realize that you’ve allowed yourself to experience more love by leaving, than you ever could have by staying.
Thinking back to the last year of my marriage, I remembered the episode with the exploding light bulbs and other strange things that had happened, and asked Spirit what had caused all of that. I was quite surprised at the answer I received. I was told that my distress and especially my anger at the situation I was in, caused me to build up psychic energy in large quantities, which was stored in my aura or electromagnetic field. Until I could find a focus for this energy and use it to change the situation, I was like a dynamo, constantly charging up. The only way in which I could let go of some of this energy – release some of the pressure – was through tears. I wouldn’t cry however, as I refused to show my husband anything he would perceive as weakness. That morning I had overslept, and being angry with myself I charged up too much. Everything I touched blew up due to discharges from my highly (over)charged electromagnetic field. By the time I finally got to work and was given a ticking off as well, my anger had charged me up even more and as I walked down the corridor, the light bulbs above my head exploded because I was discharging so much. When I finally burst into tears and had a good cry, I let go of enough energy to bring my electromagnetic field back down to a normal, workable level. (If you see anger as fire, and tears as water, it makes perfect sense – fire is doused by water.) My problems with the computers at work were caused in the same way. I asked if being charged up like that could have been dangerous for me, and was told that it could cause some people to spontaneously combust, and others to have a heart attack or burst a blood vessel in the brain. Was I ever glad I had cried! It just shows how important it is. I was so grateful that I’d left that part of my life far behind me by then. I knew that I would never allow myself to get into a situation like that again.
Geoff and I had started going out with a group of people at the weekends. After meeting at a pub, we would go clubbing and dance the night away. I had found that dancing was a brilliant way for me to get rid of stress and frustration. I would walk onto the dance floor alone, close my eyes, and just go with the music. One night, after dancing for a while, I opened my eyes and realized that I was being watched by several men. It wasn’t the first time this had happened, but I usually ignored them because I wasn’t interested. This time I felt a bit playful, and became a little more provocative, to see what their reaction would be. As I had expected, their interest increased considerably, but to my amazement, not one of them approached me. It wasn’t that I really wanted any of them to; I just had an irresistible urge to play. I felt like an Untouchable on that dance floor. I spoke to Geoff about it afterwards, wondering if he could explain it. He laughed, and told me that I exuded far too much power for any of them. I couldn’t believe that, as I didn’t consider myself powerful. I had confidence, and was gifted with spiritual abilities, but surely that didn’t make me powerful? And how could total strangers possibly know or understand any of that? I couldn’t even subconsciously have sent them a warning to stay away, because I’d had my eyes closed. Geoff maintained that they had somehow perceived it on a deeper level. I thought about this for some time, but couldn’t understand it, so I meditated and asked.
I was told that I provoked some kind of fear response in a lot of people, because there was so much Light in my aura. Although they couldn’t physically see this, they perceived it spiritually. It is human nature to fear the unknown, so this made them shy away. They were not ready for the initiation experience that my aura would cause them to have. I could understand this, to a point, because I had been connecting with the Light of Spirit for nearly eight years by then, but somehow I had expected it to draw people towards me, not make them shy away from me. I was told that only people of a similar vibration and others who were ready for initiation by my energy would now be drawn to me. Although it made perfect sense, it made me feel like an alien.
On another occasion, I asked to see my own spirit, and was shown a being which was so full of Light, and so powerful, that I couldn’t identify with it. I found it impossible to connect the human I thought I was, with this amazingly powerful being. Once I was made aware of it however, it was proven to me time and again, wherever I went, that the Light in my aura, and in Geoff’s and friends of ours, caused a reaction of some kind.
One prime example of this happened when Geoff and I, with two other friends, were going to a party. It was a sixties fancy dress party, and we had all made an effort to dress up. On our way there in the car, people hooted in response to our hippy gear and made peace signs. We enjoyed all the attention, and happily returned the signs they made. We stopped along the way to have our photo taken by the father of one of our friends. They lived in front of a small park where we posed for the photos, while attracting lots of attention from passers by. There was much hooting, shouts of “Peace” and “Love”, and we did our best to please our audience by returning their calls, amazed at the reaction we were getting from total strangers. All four of us were far too young to have been proper hippies, as we had all been born in the sixties, and it gave us some understanding of how strong the loving energy of that era must have been. While we were attracting and enjoying this lovely positive energy however, we were also attracting the opposite, although we didn’t know it yet.
We were just about to drive off again to go to the party, when someone threw an egg, which sailed in through the window of the car and exploded in the face of one of my friends. We were absolutely stunned by this unprovoked attack. It turned out that a fourteen year old girl was jealous of the attention we had attracted, and had decided to stop the fun by attracting some herself. It had totally destroyed my friends’ outfit, and she was very upset. While she and our other friend went into his parents’ house, to try and clean her up, Geoff and I stayed in the car. The young girl decided that she hadn’t had enough attention yet, and tried to provoke us, by shouting abuse and threatening me especially, with violence. She didn’t get the reaction she wanted however, because we didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. We just acted as if she wasn’t there, and smiled at each other. This enraged her even more, and she threatened to ‘get me’ when she saw me in town. I laughed at this, and made a mental note to make sure that she would recognize me if we did meet. I was wearing a head band that night, which suited me, and I decided to wear one from then on. I had been amazed by the reaction we had elicited, good and bad, and decided to liven up my life with some of that energy if I could. Needless to say, the incident had totally spoilt our evening.
It seemed that everywhere we went that summer, we started something, and Geoff and I became very aware of the energy we brought with us. It made us feel quite euphoric when we saw how positively others reacted to it. It brought an atmosphere of sheer joy and happiness, and gave us a tremendous buzz. We were playing with power. It was ours to play with however, and we made sure that we only attracted a positive response. After the egg-throwing incident, we were well aware of the possibility that we might also attract the negative side of this energy, and the slightest hint of it was enough for us to leave and go elsewhere. This playing with energy, or power, lasted for months, and I had never before been so aware that I had power of any kind. I had considered my healing ability a gift, something I was ‘allowed’ to do. The thought had never arisen that I had to be powerful myself to be able to work with the enormous Power I tapped into whilst giving healing.
It was a strange realization that the person I had always assumed myself to be was no more than a wrong perception, an illusion. How could I have been wrong about myself all of my life? And if I was powerful, did that mean that I had actually allowed others to abuse me? Had I gone through all of that, just because I had had the wrong perception of myself? It was very confusing, but with the realization of power also came the realization of the responsibility attached to it. I had to accept a certain amount of responsibility for what I had allowed others to do to me. It was a very valuable lesson.
Using Power
A big change was taking place inside of me. I know now that it was due to the process of rebirth I had gone through, but at the time I hadn’t associated the two.
I had started feeling quite rebellious towards society, and the way in which it dictates how we’re ‘supposed’ to live, behave and dress, to name but a few. I was getting really fed up with the absolute nonsense and negativity that was shown on the television and printed in the newspapers. There were constant programs and articles, which were obvious government propaganda, aimed at programming the masses how to think and what to believe. I wondered how many people actually believed all the bullshit they were being fed. Realising that enormous amounts of people did absolutely horrified me. The apathy and complacency I saw all around me astounded me. No wonder politicians got away with the dirty deals they did and the horrendous lies they told!
I needed to make a statement to society, to show that I wasn’t a part of the programmed masses. Wearing a head band was a good start, as it showed my individuality. I had never been a fashion victim, but my clothes became more individualistic too, and it made me feel great. Especially the head band caused quite a stir at first. Although I wasn’t interested in anybody’s opinion of it, I got a lot of comments, both positive and negative. I didn’t care what people thought. What was important to me was that I was different, and I needed to express that. I had of course been different for a very long time, but I had never felt such a need to disassociate, or distance myself from the crowd.
My head bands became ever more elaborate, with beads, sequins and embroidery, because I enjoyed constantly creating a new look. I also found that although I’d made them in lots of different colours, my favourite was purple. This was quite appropriate because it is the colour of the forehead chakra or energy centre, also called the third eye. Although I didn’t wear purple for that reason initially, I soon found that it helped my perception of situations and people’s motives. It helped me to achieve a much clearer picture and a stronger awareness of what was really going on in the world around me.
I was developing a strong urge to try to change people’s perceptions, to open their eyes to the truth, and stop them from being as apathetic and complacent as they were. I wanted to shock them into sitting up and taking notice, to make them realize what was really going on. I wanted them to start thinking for themselves. I wanted them to speak up and be who they really were. I wanted them to take control of their lives, of their own existence. What I didn’t realize then, and still can’t understand now, is how many people actually choose to follow! They’re afraid of change, and it is of course easier to have someone else tell you what to do. Then, if things go wrong, you’ve always got someone else to blame! The laziness, apathy and complacency I see around me astounds me. It really isn’t that hard to think for yourself and take responsibility for your own actions!
I was also becoming more aware of nature. One morning, whilst out walking the dog, I was sitting on the bench on top of the hill near my house, when I became aware of thin strands of light. Everything I saw was connected by these thin strands of light: the trees, bushes, grass, hedges, my dog, and so was I! It was like an enormous spider’s web. I had never seen anything like it, and just sat there looking at it in amazement. It dawned on me, that what I was looking at was the Web of Life. I had heard of it, but never in my wildest dreams had I ever imagined that it could be this beautiful! This was the Web that connected all of Creation, and I was able to see it! It disappeared from my vision after a while. Although I have seen it a few times since then, that first time was the most magical.
I became more aware of the need to think about my actions once I had seen the Web, because it made me realize that whatever I did affected life around me, even if I couldn’t see it. This made me think of people’s complacency and apathy, and that my actions, via the Web, might bring about some small changes there too. Even if they only picked up something subconsciously, it could make a difference. I wanted any change to be positive, so I gave some thought to how to do this. What I personally wanted most of all was to be surrounded by love, peace and happiness, so that was what I sent out every time I went up the hill. After doing this for a few days, it dawned on me that I could do much better by connecting with the Love of Spirit. So I connected, and sent out enormous amounts of Love all around. Not only did it make me feel great, but as a healer, I was able to reach more people than ever before, and nothing heals like the Power of Love.
I had found yet another way to use my abilities, and it gave me an enormous high to send Love to the whole of Creation via the Web. I had done so before in meditation, but somehow this made it feel more real and more effective. It also made me feel powerful in a way I never had before. Here was something I could do to help humanity. Even though nobody knew, they were being exposed to Love like most people had never dreamed of.
CHAPTER 10
Earth Power
One evening, during one of our many long conversations, Geoff told me about one of his ‘magical mystery tours’ (as I call them). He would go off for a walk or a drive, without any preconceived idea as to where he might end up. He would allow his feelings, or sometimes a roll of the dice, to guide him, and be totally open minded as to what he might find or do there. I have been on several of these mystery tours with him, and they always gave me food for thought, because they opened my mind to the unexpected, and often provided me with ‘pieces of the puzzle’.
He had been on a drive with his friend Jane, and found they were guided to a place where they’d never been before. They felt that there was something important there, but didn’t know what it was. They had had no more guidance once they’d arrived at this place, and returned home. Geoff and I sat and talked about it for some time, but couldn’t connect it with anything, so we decided that if it was important, the information would come to us somehow, sooner or later, and left it.
By letting go, rather than searching for answers and getting frustrated, you allow yourself to open up to whatever input or inspiration you may receive from higher sources. By being open minded you allow yourself to receive answers which you might miss otherwise, because they don’t fit in with your preconceptions or expectations. Geoff and I often found that just by talking about the different things we do, we helped each other make connections all the time.
Three weeks later, the mystery of what he had told me still played on my mind. I am always intrigued by mysteries, although I had no idea why this one might be important to me personally. I decided to ask Oreon about it in meditation, hoping that I might be able to help Geoff to make a connection. I didn’t see Oreon however, but was taken to the place that Geoff had described. I asked what I was meant to do here, and was told that I would need my friends to help me do the work that was needed here. Being curious, I asked what kind of work this was, and was told that this place held an elemental or Earth spirit, which needed to be moved to the top of the hill where I lived. Asking how I could do that, I was told that I would be shown, guided and supported whilst doing it. I asked which of my friends would be needed to help, and was told that it was very important that I was surrounded by people who loved me, because there was some risk involved. I was also made aware that there was some urgency for this to be done, as I was given a date three days ahead, by which time the elemental had to be in place on the hill. With this, my meditation finished.
I had wanted to ask a dozen other questions, but didn’t get the chance. I had never had any kind of dealings with elementals, and had never seen any. I knew they were Earth energies or –spirits, who were entrusted with certain tasks, which was the limit of my knowledge. Also, I had never done any spiritual work with anyone else before, apart from Martha. My head was buzzing with questions, and I felt quite confused, as this was all very new to me. My excitement got the better of me however, and I started phoning my friends to ask if they would be willing to help. They were all either out or at work, and I was starting to feel very frustrated. I had to leave message after message, asking them to ring me back. I also couldn’t get hold of Geoff, which frustrated me even more, because I was almost bursting with excitement, and I wanted to pick his brains about elementals.
As I couldn’t get hold of any of my friends, I thought I’d try meditating again for some more information, but try as I might, I couldn’t connect. Sitting there, thinking about what I’d been told, I remembered that there was some kind of risk involved, and wondered what this could be. I couldn’t imagine, and in the end decided that whatever the dangers were, they couldn’t be worse than anything else I had done purely on trust before, and that Spirit’s protection and the love of my closest friends would be strong enough to see me through anything. I also knew that I would never be asked to do anything which was beyond my capabilities.
When my friends rang me back that evening, I told them a short version of what I’d been told, and asked them to come to my house the following evening. To my amazement, all of them agreed to be there. My friends are all busy people, and I’d expected some of them to have had other commitments. (It just goes to show Spirit can arrange anything!) I had also expected some of them to be sceptical about what I had told them, but none of them were. To my surprise, the only one who seemed to have some reservations was Geoff, but he said he would be there.
While meditating the next day, I was told that the elemental in question was a protective guardian of the Earth. Its powers were needed on the hill because of future events, although I wasn’t given any information as to what these events would be.
That evening, once everybody had arrived, I explained in detail what I had been asked to do, and asked them whether they were willing to help me bring the Earth spirit to the top of the hill. (They were all either metaphysically or spiritually aware – in very different ways – and very open minded.) Apart from Geoff, everyone was quite excited and happy to help. I was very taken aback by Geoff’s reaction, to say the least, and asked him what his reservations were. He told me that he wasn’t sure whether this was such a good thing. He wondered if I knew what was involved in this, and that it could be dangerous. I explained that I had been told there were risks, but that I was prepared to take these, because I knew that Spirit would never ask me to do anything I wasn’t capable of, and would protect me. All I asked from him was his mental, emotional and spiritual support while I was guided to do what was needed. I knew Geoff well enough to know that there was a reason for his attitude, but he seemed reluctant to speak about it. He asked why I had asked him to part-take in this. His question stunned me. I had asked him because he was my best friend! I needed the support of friends who cared about me, and I knew he did. Not only that, but I trusted him 100%. He gave me a searching look. Then he smiled, and finally explained that he’d had an experience with elementals years before, which had been very negative. One of his friends had been seriously mentally affected by it, and had needed psychiatric help. No wonder he’d had reservations! With a smile, he then went on to say that he knew how strong I was mentally, and that if I really wanted to do this, he would be happy to support me. I gave him a hug to thank him, and asked him if he would start the meditation.
When we had all linked hands and made a circle, the strong, happy energy we felt was amazing. We just sat there and enjoyed it for a minute or two, while we asked for the Light to surround and protect us. Then Geoff guided our spiritual energy to the place where the Earth spirit was. I took over at that stage, and asked everyone to concentrate on raising the Earth spirit from the ground. This had to be done slowly, by directing our energy towards the centre of our circle. Focusing there, I saw the ground slowly begin to crack and form an opening, from which a swirling green mass began to emerge. It was an amazing sight, and I felt like I was witnessing Mother Earth herself giving birth. I thanked Spirit for this wonderful experience, and asked for protection and guidance in what I had to do. The green mass was swirling around inside our circle, and I strongly felt the presence of the elemental we had brought up. I asked my friends to mentally direct it towards me, while I asked it to come to me, as I would take it to where it was needed. I felt it enter my body. When it was ready, I asked my friends to take me home, which they did. I felt very strange. My mind was clear, but I felt cooped up and restrained somehow.
As soon as we were back, and finished the meditation, I was acutely aware of the woods and fields outside, and had an uncontrollable urge to leave the house. I got up from my chair with some difficulty, as I felt very stiff. All my movements felt strange, and I had a feeling of being very heavy. Geoff was concerned, and asked whether I was ok, which I confirmed, but said that I needed to go outside. Another one of my friends got up, helped me with my coat, and took my arm. He said that he had expected this, and that he would take me up the hill. I was grateful for his help and support; I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do this alone. Walking was strange, I felt as if my legs were made of wood. My body felt strong and solid, but it was as if the wind was blowing through my head.
When we were very near the top of the hill, I knew I had found the right place, as I felt an urge to dive right into the soil. I crouched down, and told the Earth spirit that this was the place where it was meant to be. I felt it leaving my body through the top of my head, but it pulled me down, head first. I put my hands down and tried to push myself up, but I wasn’t strong enough to counter its enormous strength, and felt as if it was going to pull me into the earth with it. Then all of a sudden, the pulling stopped and I reeled back. It had grounded. My friend helped me up and steadied me. I had a feeling that he had helped me to release the Earth spirit, but I didn’t know how. He told me that he had released an energy that he’d carried with him for a long time, because he hadn’t known how to let it go until then. I told him how grateful I was, because he had somehow provided me with the help I’d needed. He said it was a pleasure, because he hadn’t felt this light and relieved for a long time. I thanked Spirit for the protection and guidance we’d been given, and suddenly realized how exhausted I felt. My friend helped me back down the hill, and we came back into the house to curious looks from the others. We told them what had happened. The sense of achievement and euphoria we all felt added to our closeness, and we finished the evening celebrating with a glass of wine.
It took me some time to get my head around this experience. I had never even conceived of the idea, nor would I have thought it remotely possible, but it happened. When I asked Spirit how it had been possible for me to do this, It did try to explain to me how a temporary adjustment to my body had been made, to enable me to carry the Earth spirit within it, but my mind just couldn’t grasp what I was being told. In the end I realized that rational understanding wasn’t that important to me, and put it with all the other incomprehensible (and for most people probably unbelievable) things that happened when I followed Spirit purely on faith and trust. My experiences of the Web and of the elemental Earth spirit have made it very clear to me that there is no division between us and any other part of Creation, because we are all One.
Ancient Earth Wisdom
Oreon contacted me only once after the Earth spirit had been placed on top of the hill, to tell me that others would come to guide me, as they would be able to help me further. The angel’s help and support were needed elsewhere. I was quite devastated by this news, as Oreon had comforted and supported me when I had been at my lowest ebb, and helped me to find my own power. Oreon assured me that we would meet again. Then It put Its wonderful wings of Love around me for the last time, and left. I cried for a while, feeling sad and lonely, but also an enormous gratitude for having been the recipient of Its Love and guidance.
I went into another quiet phase, an integration time, when I had no contact for some months. Although I have always found it hard to let go and just get on with living life, it’s important to have these in-between times, to allow your mind and body to get used to the new vibrational level you have reached. These quiet phases always come after amazing experiences, and when the last thing you want to do is stop, even if it is just for a while. However, experiences like these make for so much food for thought, that it takes some time for the mind to encompass and make some kind of sense of it all.
Three months after grounding the Earth spirit, I was reading a book, which mentioned energy channels in the Earth. This struck a chord somewhere in my memory, but I couldn’t connect it with anything. When I walked the dog on the hill the next day, I was made aware, out of the blue, of a ‘gate’ in the place where I was standing. I asked what kind of gate this was, a time-, dimensional-, or perhaps even a star gate? I heard gentle laughter, and was told that these were one and the same thing, but it was the dimensional aspect which was important in this case. I asked why, but the only reply I was given was that I needed to know. Here I had been given a piece of information which I couldn’t place at all. After a couple of days of searching for a connection, I had to let it go, because I was just going around in circles.
A few days later, I was in the library, looking for a fiction novel, when I picked up a book which had been put on the wrong shelf. It was by Alfred Watkins, called ‘The Old Straight Track’, and it was about Ley lines. I remembered the other book, a few days before, and thought it would be interesting. I am always intrigued by things that are out of the ordinary, and this book started with: “Although the theory of energy channels in the Earth has not been widely accepted, there is evidence to suggest…………” I read the first few lines, and felt a kind of excitement taking hold of me. I had no idea what was so exciting about it, but I knew I had to read it.
I devoured it within two days, and knew this was the new direction I had been waiting for. I hadn’t meditated for a while, and couldn’t clear my mind, so I went for a walk. Standing on top of the hill, I realized that there must be Ley lines (also called ‘dragon lines’) on this hill, as high hills were always important in ancient times. They were natural look-out posts and focal points, and used for beacon- and signal fires. I looked around at the landscape, and noticed three lines within minutes. I was very excited, and almost ran back to the house to get my pendulum. I had never used it for anything like this, but I knew that I would be able to detect energy currents with it. Back on the hill, I stood on one of the Ley lines I’d found, and concentrated on detecting energy below me. Within seconds, my pendulum began to swing around like mad! (For me, the pendulum swinging around in a circle is “yes”, and from side to side is “no”. This can vary from person to person.) No matter where I stood, however, it did exactly the same. I couldn’t understand how that was possible, so I had a chat with Geoff. He wasn’t much help in this case, as he didn’t know any more than I did, but he suggested getting a map and plotting the lines.
I knew that churches were usually built on ancient places of power, often on top of earth works, or alongside sacred groves of Yew trees, dating back to ancient times. I set about plotting the lines, and found it amazingly easy, even on a normal street map. The hill I live on, being the highest hill in the area, turned out to be a crossing point of many lines. It was an energy centre, or chakra, of what could only be enormous Earth power, going by the amount of lines which converged on it! On my map, it looked like a star, with light radiating in all directions. I thought of the Web, and realized how important this discovery was. It also explained the need for the Earth spirit to be there.
I meditated and asked whether the dimensional gate I had been made aware of was in any way connected with this, and if so, should I open it. I was told that it was connected, but that I wasn’t allowed to open it yet. I was however shown how the gate worked, and how to open it when the time was right. (This by way of a drawing, which I did under instruction)
For weeks nothing happened, and meditating was difficult due to school holidays. The first day after the holidays, I was sitting in my kitchen, enjoying a peaceful cup of coffee, when I heard drums. They had a lovely deep sound, which seemed to resonate with my heartbeat, and I allowed myself to go with the sound, although I had no idea where it came from. I began to move with the rhythm, and found myself in a wooded area, with people all around. They were my people, my family, but it was an ancient time. We lived in caves and tipis, and we hunted and gathered our food. We were singing to the rhythm of the drums. It was a celebration of the whole of Creation, and our place in it. I joined the dancing around the fire, and was swept along with the happy mood, the singing, and the warmth of the fire. In this happy haze, I felt myself floating upwards, and then I was flying like a bird. I was soaring like an eagle, high over mountains, forests and rivers, feeling the ecstasy of total freedom. I had a feeling of flying a great distance, through space and time. I could see the future up ahead. Then I heard my ancient people’s voices calling to me: “Fly high, Eagle child, for our wisdom goes with you!”
Suddenly I was back, sitting at my kitchen table, feeling very bewildered. This had never happened before. I had always consciously meditated, but this had just taken me away with it. It felt like I’d had a very vivid dream, but I could still hear those voices calling to me, and the drums still controlled my heartbeat. It had been a very uplifting experience, even though I’d had no control over what happened. But who were these ancient people? Going purely on my feelings, they had seemed Native American, and the whole thing had quite a shamanic feel to it. I had never meditated to drumming music and I hadn’t really explored shamanism. I tried to remember what I had read about a year before, in a small book about Native American shamanism. It had said that they believed that there were three inter-connected worlds – earth, air and ether. I couldn’t get away from feeling that I had just travelled all three.
It seemed to me that shamanic principals were similar to druidic principals. Both concentrate on becoming one with nature and the whole of creation. That had to be where this piece of the puzzle fitted in! Had I not been doing exactly that for months? Feeling happy with myself for making the connection, I went for a walk, still going over things in my mind. The ancient people had called me “Eagle child”. I could connect that with my star sign Scorpio, which is also associated with the eagle. Then it struck me that they had called to me to fly high, for their wisdom went with me. Did I have their wisdom? If I did, how could I access it, and how was I meant to use it? The only way I knew to get answers to these questions, was to meditate.
Three days later, I managed to meditate and find my way into my cave. I went deeper and deeper, looking for anything I hadn’t found before. When I finally reached the bottom of the stairs, I was surprised to find a very old woman, sitting by a little fire. She looked up and smiled at me, and asked if I would join her and share her fire. She was older than I had ever thought possible, with long white hair and features that showed enormous strength of character, but also great kindness. Her eyes had me spellbound, as they seemed to smoulder with an ancient wisdom. I was so mesmerized by her, that I hadn’t noticed her crow, and jumped when its raven wing brushed my cheek, as it flew up to perch on her shoulder. The ancient woman stared into the flames, and asked me why I had come to her. I told her that I was looking for Truth and Wisdom, to help others to free themselves of their fears, and so enable them to embrace their own power. She smiled again, gave me a very direct look, and told me that ancient Wisdom was alive inside of me. Looking into her eyes, and seeing the love, kindness and wisdom in them, I realized she spoke the truth. Was she not alive inside of me? I embraced her, thanked her for the gift of this wonderful insight, and asked if there was any way in which I could repay her. She asked if I would carry her up the stairs, and into the Light. I answered that it would be an honour, and gently picked her up. I carried her up the stairs and out of the cave. Once in the Light, she blended into me, and her crow perched on my shoulder. I knew that her Wisdom would live through me, like a burning flame in my heart. Whatever problems I might face, she’ll be there to spur me on, and make me bolder, so I can do whatever is needed to fulfil my task.
I knew that what I had brought up, in the shape of the ancient woman, was wisdom I had gained in earlier lives. Because I’d had to go down so deep into my cave, it must have been a life lived many, many centuries ago. The crow, according to the Native American Medicine cards and the Druid Animal Oracle cards, signifies initiation, death and rebirth, and protection. All of these were very relevant to the experiences I’d had. Although I didn’t know it yet, the old woman’s gifts of her wisdom and abilities, which I had brought up into consciousness, would be vitally important to the major incredible experiences I was soon to have.
To me, her wisdom, abilities and her crow were great gifts. It is hard for me to define exactly what this Earth wisdom is, because it is integrated with my psyche and natural to me in this life, in the same way as the ability to leave my body is, which I mentioned before. What the experience of bringing the ancient woman up from my cave – the depths of my subconscious – did for me, was to make me consciously aware of the fact that I have this wisdom. This knowledge has made me more confident, more willing to speak my mind, and more determined to stand my ground. It has also made me feel more certain about my task in life, and I actively seek to communicate with nature and all its creatures. I feel an urge to be of service to them, to help heal the harm and damage the human race has done.
CHAPTER 11
Spiritual Power
In the book I had read Ley lines were also called dragon lines, but it explained this quite vaguely, only saying that according to folklore, people claimed that Ley lines were found where dragons were seen, and known to have their lairs. I didn’t consider this enough of an explanation, so I asked Geoff what he thought dragons were, and what their significance might be. He said that he felt dragons to be the protectors of what was inside, of the subconscious, or of what was below the surface. This felt like a good explanation to me, as I had had to ‘face my own dragons’ by going inside. Dragons signified my fears, which I had had to face and work with before I could overcome them. Having some fears is of course a human necessity, to protect us from harm. These are our instinctive fears, like our natural fear of the dark, or of the unknown. They serve a purpose – to keep us safe, and must be worked with, especially when we’re trying to explore the subconscious. We never totally lose these fears, although it is possible to overcome them, as I have shown. Going down into my cave the first time for instance, and facing the unknown in total darkness, wasn’t an easy thing to do. In normal life, I go out in the dark as well, but I’m still more wary than I am during the day, because my natural, instinctive fear of the dark keeps telling me that I can’t see as much as I can during the day.
According to the Druid Animal Oracle cards, dragons represent a powerful energy which can be worked with, and which can produce amazing results when used with wisdom. The Earth dragon protects inner riches and has to be worked with slowly, to release its hoard of treasure. This had certainly been true for me. The Chinese revere dragons because to them, they signify magic, and death and rebirth, like the crow. I wondered what the dragon lines I had found were really meant to do. I knew their potential must be vast, as they have been found all over the world.
Once I had found the ancient woman, and knew that her wisdom was a part of my psyche, I was ready to open the gate on the hill. I strongly suspected that the Earth chakra, the point where all the lines converged, had to be the actual gate. I can’t say that I was consciously aware of what the consequences of opening it would be. I knew that it would let in the Light of Love and Healing, and that was enough for me. I hoped that by opening the gate and letting the Light into this Earth chakra, I would be helping the Earth to heal.
I meditated, asking if my assumption was right, and that the Earth chakra itself was the gate, which was confirmed. Then I asked if now was the right time to open it, and felt surrounded by Love. Spirit confirmed that the time was right and I found myself standing on top of the hill. The gate was far bigger, and far more beautiful than I had imagined it to be. It lay on the hill like an enormous circle (or halo) of energy, vibrating and pulsating with light. I stood in the centre of this circle, and was again reminded of the way in which it should be opened. I pushed upwards with my hands above my head, as if I was opening an enormous hatch.
There are no words to describe my feelings, when the Light imploded inwards. I had been in the Light many times, but this………! The Power it contained was unimaginable. It went through every fibre of my being, and entered the Earth with an enormous roar. It was like an atomic mushroom cloud in reverse, and set everything outside of the circle on fire. Stunned, awestruck, and totally euphoric, I became aware of the elemental Earth spirit. It was containing the fire, by channelling it into the dragon lines. Channels of fire were rushing down the hill all around! I was embraced and held by Love like I had never experienced, and cannot describe. I don’t know what happened, because I totally surrendered to it. I didn’t exist any more, there was only indescribable Love.
I came back round at home, sitting at my table.
Three days later I was still feeling euphoric. I couldn’t begin to describe to anyone what had happened. Even if I had, I don’t think anyone would have understood or believed me. I did have some questions I needed answers to however, so I meditated and asked what effect the dragon fire would have on people. I was told that it would hold up a mirror to their souls, and they would have to face and confront themselves. The mirror would show them as they really were. Anyone filled with Light would be strengthened by their reflection, but anyone full of darkness would also be faced with this, which would give them the impetus to change. I was told that the energy of the Light from the fifth dimension, which I had allowed in, would give the whole of creation the chance to regenerate. Big changes were necessary, and the fifth dimension had sent the Light of Love to help. I was told that I had helped to start a huge initiation process, which would lead to the death and rebirth of everything, as All is One.
I asked if there were others who had done the same. Surely, given the size of the Earth, I couldn’t be the only one? My answer was that there were eleven others who had helped – twelve in all. I thanked Spirit for answering my questions and finished my meditation.
I could not get over the enormity of what had happened. It made me feel like a child trying to imagine infinity – something I found an absolute impossibility at the time. I don’t think the human mind is programmed to conceive of infinity, leave alone infinite Power like I had experienced. Finding the ability inside me to tap in to and use powers of such magnitude was too much for my rational mind. The only way in which I could eventually accept it, was by trying to change the way I saw myself. I had to try to see myself as spirit, temporarily experiencing a human life, and let go of the image of myself as a luckily gifted human being. I realized that because I am spirit, I am able to access the Power of the Light, as well as having a physical body which hampers me in doing the things I am capable of in spirit. Because my spirit is a part of the Light, I have the right to tap in to this Power. It is in fact a right we all have, as we are all part of the whole of creation, and All is One. I know that this is the only way in which the human mind can make sense of it, and my gratitude for having been shown the Truth is endless. It makes me feel very humble as a human being, to have been allowed to take part in a task of such magnitude. I know now that this is what I came here to do, and it is worth the temporary sacrifice of living this life without my soul mate.
I know that all through this life, I will be loved, supported and guided to do whatever I am meant to do, and when my time comes to rejoin the Light, I will be ecstatic to return to the infinite Love that awaits me.
Magick
I had not been able to speak to Geoff about what had happened, because he had been away for a few weeks. His lady friend Annie had come over from Australia, and they were travelling around Britain for the duration of her stay.
As I found myself getting frustrated because I could not share my feelings about my latest life-changing experience, I went for long walks with the dog every day. There were large areas of the surrounding countryside which I hadn’t yet explored, and as the weather was warm and sunny, I enjoyed these walks very much. Some days, I used a small map of the area, and one day I decided to walk to a small round hill, which was less than an hour away. I tried to get on to this bump, but there didn’t seem to be any way to get up there. The next day, I approached it from the other side, but still couldn’t find a way on to it. Wherever I had been, there had been fences and gorse bushes stopping me. I was becoming quite annoyed, and more and more determined to get on to this bump.
The third time, I decided to approach it from the opposite direction, which meant a walk of at least an hour. It was quite warm that day, and I had brought along a bottle of water, my map, and a staff of elder wood, which I’d bought off one of my friends, who made them. I was glad of my staff many times, as it helped me to jump ditches and get over stiles easily, and steadied me on uneven ground. There was a major road going over one side of the bump, with houses backing onto it, and a small track on the other. The rest of it was surrounded by woods and farm land. I could have walked along the main road, but far preferred to take the scenic route through the woods and lovely countryside.
I took a wrong turning once, and had to back-track, but I enjoyed it, because it all added to the sense of adventure I felt.
My map showed that there was a path which led from the main road through some woods onto the back of the bump, so that’s where I was headed. When at last I had crossed the main road, in the right place according to my map, there was no path to be seen. I walked along the road for a while, but couldn’t find it. I spotted an old man out walking his dog, and asked him if he knew of a path along here somewhere, and showed him my map. He pointed me to an alleyway between two houses, which I had thought was private property. Then he told me that there was no point in going down there, as it didn’t lead anywhere. I told him I was trying to get onto the bump, and he said that that was impossible, because the path led through the woods to the edge of a field, where bombs had been dropped during the last World War. Nobody had used the path since, and it wasn’t safe. I told him I was determined to get onto the bump, and that bombs wouldn’t stop me. He gave me a wry smile, and said to go across the field in a straight line, through the woods on the other side, and I’d be at the foot of the bump. I thanked him, and set off again.
The alleyway led to a very narrow path between two gardens, and access to the woods beyond was obscured by bushes, but I found it. It was obvious that the path hadn’t been used for ages. Trees had fallen across it a long time ago, and it was totally overgrown. It wasn’t too difficult to follow however, and I reached the end of the path about a quarter of an hour later. A fence with a danger sign had been put up to stop people going into the field. Standing there, looking out over this field of thigh high grass, I wondered what on Earth possessed me. Why was I so determined to get onto this bump? What was so special about this one little hill? If the old man was to be believed, I was about to cross a field full of unexploded World War II bombs! I had always been stubborn, but reckless? I knew there had to be more to it than just my own stubbornness. This bump had almost become an obsession! I decided to meditate to find out later, but I wasn’t about to stop here, when I was so close to my goal. My dog had found a hole in the fence, and had already gone into the field, so I called him back and climbed over the fence. I focused my eyes on a tree straight across the field, asked Spirit for protection and crossed.
When I reached the other side – without being blown sky-high – there was no sign of anything that looked even remotely like a path. It must have been a very long time since anyone had come this way, as there was nothing but brambles. The woods behind looked dark and gloomy, even a little ominous. I could find no way in to the woods, and in the end I followed my dog, who had found an animal run. I had to crawl through the undergrowth until I reached the trees, when I could finally stand up and look around again. I had never been in any woods as dark, or as wild as these, but the strangest thing about them was the deathly silence, which was quickly becoming very oppressive. There wasn’t a single sound- no bird calls, no buzzing bees, no animal sounds, nothing at all. I started picking my way through with difficulty. Everywhere I looked, there was fungus and decay. It felt like death was all around.
My dog was showing me the way, and looking back for me to follow him. I felt his own unease at being in these woods, and he could easily have gone on ahead but he stayed close, waiting for me every time I fell behind. At one point, a holly bush caught in my hair, and it took me a minute or so to release myself. By then a feeling of deep sadness had begun to creep up on me, and I realized that it came from the trees themselves. Sadness pervaded everything. I began to sing to the trees, making the melody up as I went along. I sang about beauty and strength, about light and warmth, and somehow they seemed to respond, as the sadness lifted a little. I tried to get a response from the birds, which must be there, by whistling the same gentle melody, and suddenly a blackbird began to sing high up in a tree. This seemed to be the signal for others to join in, and soon there was a small chorus of bird song. Then I noticed the buzzing of insects, and I realized that I was able to help these sad woods. I sent out the Light, in ever increasing circles. It vibrated through the trees, and it was as if they were soaking up the Light. When I had finished, and looked around me, everything seemed lighter, and when I looked up, I could see sunshine coming in through the trees. There was a warm, happy feeling all around.
I had stopped to send out the Light, and my dog had waited patiently for me, so I let him lead again. We had only gone a little further, when he must have caught the scent of an animal, because he suddenly ran off, and I had to call him back. After about ten minutes, we reached the edge of the woods, and I climbed over the fence. When I turned around to lift the dog over, I couldn’t believe my eyes. There were bluebells growing everywhere amongst the trees!
We had arrived on the bump at last! Strangely enough, somehow it didn’t matter that much anymore. I sat down in the warm, brilliant sunshine, and had a drink of the water I’d brought with me. I gave my dog some as well, and a big fuss too, to thank him for helping me through the woods. Looking back towards the shaded woods behind us, I noticed some unusual and delicate looking flowers I had never seen before. On closer inspection, I couldn’t believe my eyes. These looked very much like a kind of wild orchids! They were a soft purple and white, and exquisitely formed. They were much smaller than any orchid I’d seen before, but I was quite sure they must be orchids. I never even knew they grow in Britain!
I slowly climbed the bump, and had a great sense of achievement when I reached the top. I had done it! Against all the odds, I was standing on the bump. I sat down, enjoying the beautiful view, and wondered what this had really been about. Had it been a test of my determination? Had I been sent here to help the woods? Or was there something else yet to come? I asked Spirit, and received a surprising answer. I had been sent on this adventure for three reasons.
First of all, my presence had been needed here for the woods. They were an ancient place of power, which I had cleansed by sending the Light around them. This had been necessary because the Earth power here had become stagnant, due to the negative energy of the bombs which had been dropped nearby, which had now been cancelled out. Once I had opened the gate on the hill, it became necessary to cleanse this place, as it obstructed the flow of positive energy from the Earth chakra. Secondly, the bump I was sitting on was an ancient earthwork, built by the people who had made use of this place of power in ancient times, and played an important part in the flow of positive energy. The third and final reason was to show me that I was capable of much, much more than my human mind and programming would allow me to believe, and that with trust and determination I could achieve anything! I thanked Spirit for the guidance and protection I had received, and for the honour of being found worthy of these tasks.
I realized that it had also been an initiatory walk. I’d never been on such a long hike alone before, never walked through a field full of bombs, nor had I been in such wild woods before, and all that without fear of any kind! Best of all, I had done what I was sent here to do without any conscious instructions at all! It had all happened so naturally, that I had just let my spirit guide me, and really communicated with nature. For a while we had achieved Oneness, and it gave me a great sense of achievement.
When I came back from my hike – I had had to go through people’s back gardens to get off the bump and reach the road – I remembered that the friend who had made my staff had told me that the elder staff was the one for ‘the witch of the woods’. I had chosen it purely for its beauty, and don’t consider myself a witch, but what I had done in the woods had certainly felt like Magick to me!
CHAPTER 12
Universal Magick
When I next saw Geoff, after he’d returned from his holidays, he was feeling quite depressed. Annie had gone back to Australia that same day and he was very upset. I’d been bursting to tell him what had happened while he’d been away, but decided I could wait a little longer, until after he’d told me about their holidays. When I finally managed to tell him, he was amazed and excited about what had happened. Geoff is a gifted visionary in the way that he can make mental connections almost instantly, which I cannot always see straight away. Somehow, he associated what had happened on the hill with some things he’d been working on, and hadn’t been able to connect until then.
A few weeks before he had gone on holiday, when I was learning about the dragon lines, I had asked him about dragons, and his mind had associated them with the story of St.George, who’d slayed the dragon. I had been told that the activated Light energy of the dragon lines would hold up a mirror to the soul. This meant that it would bring what was inside, or below the surface, out into the open. However, if St.George defeated the dragon, that would mean that the energy of any church named after St.George, especially if built on a dragon line, might obstruct or even stop the flow of the dragon energy. Geoff’s metaphysical understanding and my spiritual abilities have often allowed us to make connections like this, and we know these are always important.
Churches were often built on dragon lines, where there had been important places of power of Druid / pagan worship in ancient times. Christianity had taken over these places of power (often by force) in an attempt to root out paganism and empower the Church. We decided to find out what we could about church names and their locations.
A couple of days after my conversation with Geoff, I found an enlarged map of the hill, in a field rarely used by other dog walkers – or anyone else for that matter, as it is quite wild. I folded it and put it in my pocket, knowing I’d found it for a reason, although I had no idea what that could be. Shortly afterwards, twelve swifts flew across the path right in front of me. I thought that very strange, because I’d never seen so many birds do that all at once. The next day, the crows were speaking to me. Four crows flew up from the tree where I was standing, one after the other, giving me three calls each. I also found three crows feathers on that same walk, in three different locations. I had by then become very observant of nature and its creatures while on my walks, as I often found clues and pointers to what was happening in my life, so I tried to connect what I had found and seen, but couldn’t relate it to anything.
When I came home, I phoned Geoff and told him about it. He said he had come across something himself, and decided to come over for a chat. When he arrived, he told me that he’d found a church of St.George, totally coincidentally! (We laughed about that, because when you do what we do, you know there’s no such thing as coincidence! It’s your spirit’s way of directing you to something that’s important.) He had come back from visiting a friend, had looked to the right while driving through this village, and looked straight at the sign of St.George’s church. He had stopped and got out of the car, had a look around the churchyard, and found a yew tree, which was over a thousand years old! Not only that, but both were on top of an ancient earthwork! Obviously we were very excited about this, because it meant that this was another place of power, as the earthwork and the tree pointed to it having been one of the sacred groves. We decided to visit it at the end of the week.
I showed Geoff the map I had found up on the hill, and told him what had happened. He was very interested in the map, and asked me to go and look at the pond at the end of the lane, next time I walked the dog. He asked if I knew where the water of this pond came from. I told him that it was fed by a spring from the top of the hill, as I had seen the original stream bed. There were several natural springs on the hill, which had once been accessible, but had now been taken over by the water board. They had been capped and the water of the main springs was piped to a manmade underground reservoir on the other side of the hill, to be treated for use as drinking water. I believed one of the minor springs fed the small pond. Because the gate I had opened was on top of the hill, any pond that was fed by water which came from there was interesting. He asked me to note the trees around the pond, and if possible, psychically look what was in the pond, and make a drawing of it.
I went to look at it the next day, and noted all the trees around it. I also noticed that there was another small stream which fed this pond. Once I was home again, I psychically homed in on what I could see inside it. Instead of two, I saw three water feeds, in the shape of a triangle. There was an old bicycle, a silver chalice, a stone slab, and several coins. Some of these were very old, the kind with a hole in the centre, and some were normal. The branch of a tree had fallen half in the water. As Geoff had asked, I made a detailed drawing of everything I had seen in and around the pond.
When I next saw Geoff, later that week, he studied my drawing, and asked me whether I had drawn things exactly where they were. I confirmed this, and he said that he’d asked, because he wondered why the chalice was right in the centre of the triangle formed by the three water feeds. I said I had no idea why, but that was where I’d seen it.
We went to visit the church the next day, bringing Geoff’s friend Jane along. We had explained to her that we were hoping to be able to ‘lift’ the St.George energy, to allow the Light energy in the dragon lines, which it obstructed, to do its healing work. We didn’t know exactly how we would manage this, but had decided to let ourselves be guided by what felt right at the time.
The yew tree was absolutely amazing. It was an awesome size, and its branches were supported all over. It was laden with reddish-pink berries, and I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that its trunk was about eighty percent hollow! How it had managed to survive for over a thousand years was a mystery, but how could it possibly have produced the amount of fruit it carried?! We were stunned. This had to be an extremely powerful place.
While the others were having a chat with the church caretaker, about the tree and a bicycle race which was to start from the church that afternoon, I took a slow walk around. The first thing that struck me was that every one of the trees that I had seen around the pond was represented in the churchyard. I also spotted two more yews, younger than the first, but at least half as old. When Geoff and Jane caught up with me, I told them what I’d observed, and pointed out the two other yews. With the first, they formed a triangle around the church. We walked past the second yew to the third, where we stopped, while Geoff pointed out that the tree must be in line with the altar of the church.
I felt that this was the right place to try to lift the St.George energy, by the tree. Geoff and Jane agreed, and I opened up to Spirit, asking what we should do. Jane and I stood against the tree, while Geoff had started walking in circles around it (clockwise), to help build the positive energy that was needed to do what we wanted. I was shown the restraining energy we were to lift. It looked like a dark dome, covering the earthwork and everything on it. I was told to build and extent the Light, helped by Geoff’s energy building, and Jane anchoring the energy. I visualized Light building up gradually around us, and extending towards the edges of the earthwork, until the whole of the dome was filled with it. I was told that this was all that was necessary. The Light combined with the dragon energy and the Earth Magick contained in this place would disintegrate the dome. I thanked Spirit, and told Geoff and Jane.
We left the churchyard, feeling pleased with what we had done, and decided to take a look at the ruins of the original church, next to the earthworks. As we walked along the side of it, Geoff spotted a millstone. Next to it was another, but without a hole in the middle, and next to that was a stone slab. This was incredible. All of these were in my drawing of the pond! (The millstones were represented by the coins) I realized straight away that the bicycle of my drawing pointed to the bicycle race, and the water feeds in the pond, to the three yew trees. (The triangle) I wondered about the silver chalice, and Geoff said that he had already related that to the altar of the church! (The chalice used in the sacraments) The altar was in the centre of the triangle formed by the trees.
This was confirmation like we’d never dreamed of! Spirit had just given us an undeniable message that we’d done the right thing. Feeling very pleased, we walked on to the ruins of the original church. We were nearly there, when twelve birds flew up from the field next to us. Like the icing on the cake, the name of the village where we were began with crow! Spirit has provided me with confirmation many times, but never as profusely as that time. It was sheer Magick!
The Power of Three
Geoff had taught me the rudiments of Numerology, which became a wonderful tool for making connections. The number three is a very important number, because it signifies the creative force, and a new energy coming in. Messages can come to me in all kinds of ways, especially through nature, but the birds are usually the most obvious. It’s no wonder that they’re sometimes called ‘messengers of the gods’. Watching and listening to them can at times give me almost daily messages. They may call a certain amount of times, fly around in circles over my head, or I may find some of their feathers. The kind of bird that gives me the message can also be important. I usually find that seagulls bring me messages about my personal life, and crows bring messages about my spiritual quest. Whenever they give me the number three, which is usually repeated time after time, I know that something new will be happening very soon.
Before our visit to the church with the three yew trees, four crows had given me the number 3, so I knew this was something new, something physical ( the number 4), and also that the message came from the highest power ( 3 x 4 = 12, the number for perfect government). This was reinforced by the twelve swallows. The three again came up in the three water feeds of the pond, the three yew trees, and of course there were three of us.
When three form a triangle, they are even more powerful, because their energies combine in the centre of the triangle, which multiplies this combined energy (3 x 3 x 3). It becomes a vortex of power with the ability to bring up whatever is below it. As usually happens, we hadn’t realized how powerful the energy of the earthwork was until later.
Less than three weeks after we’d been to the yew trees, my youngest daughter came back from a holiday in France with her father, and gave me a piece of slate in the shape of a triangle. She said she’d been looking for a present for me, and had found this. She knew it would mean more to me than something she’d bought in a shop. A few days later, after Geoff had been over for a chat, this piece of slate fell off the window sill, onto a sheet of paper that he had doodled on. When I went to put it back, I noticed that it had fallen onto a triangle Geoff had drawn, and the two were exactly the same size and shape! Guess what I found the next day on the hill? Another triangle of stone, again exactly the same shape and size! I phoned Geoff, who came over that same evening. We didn’t know what this new energy was likely to bring, but we had a feeling it was going to be seriously big!
I told Geoff that I was due to go on holiday to Greece two weeks later, and he asked on which day I was going. When I told him, he said that Jane would be away as well at that time, as she was going on holiday to Egypt in a few days. This started me thinking. Strange, how we were both going away within a few days of each other. Then an even stranger thought hit me. With me in Greece, Jane in Egypt, and Geoff staying in Britain, we would be forming a triangle! Later on, I meditated and asked whether I was right in assuming that the triangle we’d be forming was significant. The answer I received was that it was extremely significant. I asked if there was anything we needed to do while we formed the triangle, but I was told that our presence in those particular locations was all that was needed, as our spiritual energy would do the rest. I asked what the forming of this triangle would do. The answer was that it would be similar to what I had done on top of the hill- we would be opening a doorway, to allow the Light to enter. I thanked Spirit and finished my meditation.
I sat and thought about what I’d just been told when it struck me that Mount Etna, the volcano, might be inside the triangle we’d be forming. I checked the triangle on a map, and saw that I was right. Once we formed the triangle, the energy would build in the centre, and start drawing up what was below it. This meant that we might cause Mount Etna to erupt! I connected again, asking whether this was right. When Spirit confirmed that it was, I asked if It could please make sure that nobody would be hurt because of it. Spirit promised me that there would be no casualties.
I spoke to Geoff and Jane, telling them about what I’d been told. They were as amazed as I was, and the implications set our minds racing. We would be linking three very ancient civilizations: Greek, Egyptian, and Celtic. The thought of how big the doorway we’d be opening must be, and how much Light it would let in, was mind blowing. Jane also told us that the day after she arrived in Egypt, a door was to be opened in one of the pyramids for the first time, and that there were high hopes of some kind of big discovery. We thought that it was quite symbolic of what we would be doing.
I had been invited to come to Greece by a friend I had known for years. We had been neighbours during the time of my divorce. She had just lost her father at that time, and we’d supported each other through difficult times. She’d moved away to live with her partner, but they had split up a few years later. After this, she had managed to get a job as a holiday representative on the beautiful Greek island of Samos. She had always wanted to live in Greece, and her dream had become reality.
It had been a difficult decision for me to leave my daughters, but in the end I’d decided to go because I realized how important it was, and I hadn’t had a proper holiday in years. I hadn’t seen my friend for a long time, and I was looking forward to seeing her and having a sunshine holiday. However, although the island was very beautiful, the weather hot and sunny, and the Greek people very friendly, my friend was very stressed and short tempered all through my stay. It probably hadn’t consciously been her intention, but I think she invited me because she needed someone to talk to and release the stress she was under. Nothing I said or did could please her, and she ’bit my head off’ time and again, over the slightest things. She also expected me to clean her house for her while I was staying there. One morning, when she’d already gone to work, I got up and found a note from her, listing all the cleaning she wanted me to do that day! I did all of it, just to keep the peace, but it didn’t really feel like a holiday. I stayed out of her way as much as possible, and went for long walks every day. She lived in a residential area, away from the holiday resorts, and the beach was a two hour walk away. I’ve never been one for sun bathing, but I always looked forward to a lovely cool swim after those long hot walks.
I did have two very nice, interesting days however. The first was a trip to the island of Patmos, the day after I arrived. I enjoyed the two hour boat trip immensely. The weather was hot, the Mediterranean a deep turquoise blue, and the island extremely beautiful. This was the place where St.John had written the Book of Revelation, in the Cave of the Apocalypse. This cave had been preserved, and a Greek Orthodox Church built on top of it. We were led by a tour guide, who rushed us through, which was a real shame. The atmosphere inside the cave was extremely warm and loving, although it felt a little oppressive and heavy somehow. Apart from its history and atmosphere, the most fascinating feature of this cave, to my mind, was the roof. According to the story, this had been cracked into three parts once the Book of Revelation was finished, at the end of St.John’s communication with Christ.
During the second week of my stay in Samos, another friend came to stay, with whom I got on quite well after a few days. The day before I left, we had the use of a car, and we decided to visit the ruins of an ancient temple, on the other side of the island.
We set out early in the morning. Although we had a map and followed the road signs, they somehow didn’t correspond with each other. (This is apparently quite normal in Greece) We soon found ourselves on minor roads, which became such narrow mountain tracks that it was impossible to turn around or even get out of the car. Because they were so narrow, I didn’t dare reverse either, as there was a ravine on one side and a steep mountainside on the other. All we could do was to carry on up this mountain.
When we finally reached the top, there was space for us to get out of the car and admire the view. It was absolutely magnificent! It was a glorious day, and we could see for miles. The colour of the sea, the islands, the coast of Turkey just across the water, it was all breathtakingly beautiful, and tourists would never normally have seen this. As we were now at the top of the mountain, we might as well go down the other side, where we hoped to find proper roads again. After yet another harrowing, but mercifully short drive, we suddenly saw an old man riding a donkey in one of the olive groves, which were everywhere. About ten minutes later, we came to a tiny village, where we found the road again. This drive felt very much like an initiation to me.
When we finally arrived at the ancient ruins of the temple we had come to visit, it was a big disappointment. There wasn’t much to see, and I didn’t pick up an atmosphere. We went and had lunch at a small seaside taverna, and enjoyed the food and views instead. We had a laugh about our mountain adventure, and decided not to tell our friend, as she most likely wouldn’t see the funny side of it and would probably call us irresponsible. On our way back we saw a magnificent sunset, and stopped to admire it. Our friend told us off, as we came back later than expected, and had kept her waiting. We just smiled at each other. Although I had enjoyed some of my holiday, I couldn’t wait to get back home to my girls the next day. I had missed them terribly.
I had not been able to meditate for those two weeks, although I did manage to send the Light all around the island one evening. It had been necessary for me to lose contact for a while, to allow for change and insight.
I realized that I didn’t really want to see my friend in Greece again, as we had very little left in common. The fact that she needed my friendship was no longer a good enough reason for me to be her friend. Every friendship or association only works well if there is a balanced exchange of energy. When it is not in balance, it is only a matter of time before one is totally depleted of energy, while the other thrives. A friendship like that cannot continue happily. I had had to close off my aura several times during this holiday, to avoid being totally depleted.
Geoff picked me up from the airport, bringing my two younger daughters, and I felt extremely happy to be back. On the way home I told them about my holiday, and especially about my mountain adventure. Geoff commented that it sounded like an initiation of some sort, which echoed my own feelings at the time. I had certainly had to overcome my fear, driving along those mountain tracks, which is what any initiation is about. In a way, it was comparable to my hike to reach the bump. It turned out that Jane had had a great holiday, although the door that had been opened in the pyramid had revealed nothing but a corridor.
For weeks after my return, I kept coming across books and articles about volcanoes and caves. I knew Spirit was trying to give me a message, but couldn’t figure out what it was. I had been back home three weeks exactly, and still couldn’t meditate, when Mount Etna erupted. I was shocked. I had totally forgotten about this possibility, and because I hadn’t had to do anything to help open the doorway to the Light, I hadn’t been sure whether it had actually happened, but here was the confirmation. Even though I have endless faith in Spirit, I do sometimes doubt myself. It had seemed such a big thing for three people to accomplish without consciously doing anything that I had wondered whether I’d received the message right. I had reverted to seeing us as just human beings, instead of as spirits in bodies. It’s not easy to change the way you‘ve been thinking all your life!
I phoned Geoff straight away, and told him about the eruption. He was stunned. He remembered me telling him about this possibility before I went away, but like me, he hadn’t been sure whether the doorway had really been opened. Looking back, we should have realized that the door in the pyramid being opened up to reveal a corridor was symbolic for the corridor from the fifth dimension which had been opened. The volcanoes I had read about time and again should have warned me as well, but I thought this pointed to the volcanic cave of St. John on Patmos. Thankfully, there were no casualties from this eruption, as promised, but it did make me wonder about its effects on humanity.
CHAPTER 13
Embracing All
The eruption of Mount Etna made me think of the Web of Life, connecting all of Creation. Considering the enormous effect it must have had on the Web, I realized that it couldn’t possibly be just a volcanic eruption. When a volcano suddenly erupts, and spews up the Earth’s fiery core, the Web gets tweaked dramatically, so the effects must be relative to this. There are three levels of awareness, the physical, the mental and the spiritual. So if it changes the weather, which can affect a large part of the world after a big eruption, and make changes to the Earth on the physical level, then what is the effect on the mental level? We are in awe of the Earth’s enormous powers that cause the eruption to happen. It makes us realize how insignificant we really are. If we actually witnessed an eruption, we’d no doubt be frightened out of our wits. And what would it do to us spiritually? If an eruption brings up the inside of the Earth, and All is One, then doesn’t it follow that we will somehow be doing the same? We also have a fiery core, like the Earth, not in a physical sense, but our spirit, our core, is pure Light! The eruption and the door we had opened were linked on a spiritual level, as one was a direct result of the other. This meant, providing I was right in my assumption, that the Light from the fifth dimension entering, would cause us to bring up this core of Light, as opening the door had done to Mount Etna. Was it time to show what we were made of too? Was it time to unleash the power of our core, our spirit, of the Light inside us? This reminded me of Oreon’s first message, that the fifth dimension was coming closer, and that it was bringing enormous amounts of Love. We all know that action causes a reaction, so would our reaction to the Light be that we would bring out our own spiritual Light? Come to think of it, had the Light in the dragon lines not held up a mirror to our souls, to make us aware of this Light, or lack of it? It gave me food for thought for quite some time.
I met Annie, Geoff’s lady friend, shortly after I came back from holiday. We got on famously, and have been great friends ever since. She had come back from Australia to live with him, and I was over the moon for them both.
A few days after Mount Etna erupted, it was All Hallows Eve. (I prefer to call it that, rather than Halloween, as this is associated with far too much superstition and commercial hype for my liking.) This night is believed to be the only time of the year when the veil between the dimensions is thinner than usual, so making it easier to connect with other dimensions. Geoff and I wanted to do something unusual, to see if we could connect with other dimensions in a different way. He had asked me to concentrate on my map, and see if any area ‘jumped out’ at me. To make it easier, I used my pendulum. I slowly moved it across my map of the town and the surrounding areas, and three times it circled around a certain forested area, where I had never been before. I phoned Geoff and told him this had to be the place, and we agreed to go there on All Hallows Eve, two days later. We had asked Annie and Jane if they wanted to join us, but they declined.
When I mentioned to my two older daughters that we were planning to go to these woods, they told me that they were said to be haunted by ghosts. This only added to my excitement. That was the kind of challenge I like, although I know that what people believe to be ‘ghosts’, are reflections of their own fears more often than not. If however there were spirits in these woods, I knew I would be able to communicate with them, and I was quite excited at the possibility.
When Geoff and I arrived, it was pitch black. We walked into the woods, stopped for a moment to allow our eyes to adjust, and then carried on. It had rained for days, and I didn’t want to slip on the mud, so I had brought my staff along. I also felt that if this staff of elder wood had somehow helped me to connect with the woods during my hike to the bump, then it might help this time as well.
I had a feeling of being watched, although I couldn’t see anything. We walked quite a way, stopping suddenly when we disturbed a magpie which sounded the alarm. Strangely, although it called thirteen times, it was ignored by all the other birds. We decided that this was as good a place as any to do whatever we were going to do. I visualized us standing inside three circles of Light. Although we wanted to connect with other dimensions, we had no set idea how to accomplish this, and some protection might be needed. We had decided to just ‘open up’, and let whatever would come, come to us, as this is the way these things often work in our experience. We stood and waited, with open minds, surrounded by massive, beautiful old trees, whose powerful presence felt very welcoming and peaceful.
Then something happened. It was like a gentle rushing of the wind through the branches of a tree about five feet in front of us, but it couldn’t have been the wind because its direction was wrong. It had come from the top of the tree, straight down in front of us. Geoff asked me whether I had noticed it. I said that I had, and also that I was aware of eyes watching us. There was a very faint whispering sound, and I sensed the presence of several delicate and almost fragile energies or beings. I had never felt this kind of energy before. It felt delicate, but somehow also very ‘earthy’, as if they were a part of nature itself. I knew that these could only be guardians of nature, creatures from the world of faerie. They were not frightened of us, but I sensed their curiosity at what we were doing there. I wanted to somehow convey my happiness at their presence, and acting purely on my feelings, did what felt right. I followed a strong impulse to send the Light of Love all around the woods, wanting to embrace All.
The euphoria I felt straight after is hard to describe. I felt us being embraced! Our spirits were being lifted by so much wonderful Love, it was fantastic! When it had finally abated, we thanked the faeries and the woods for this experience and walked back in silence. We were both too overcome to speak.
Geoff and I had both felt the nature spirits’ presence, and were very awed by it. Even when we were back in the car we found it difficult to express our feelings about what we had just experienced, so we spoke very little while on our way home. Just before Geoff dropped me off, he mentioned the magpie, a member of the crow family. It had cawed thirteen times, the number for death and rebirth. We knew this was significant, but we didn’t know how, so we left it. It would become clear eventually. We had just had another magical experience, and wanted to hold on to the euphoria we felt as long as we could.
Once I was back home, sitting down with a cup of green tea and reliving it all again in my mind, I thought of the magpies thirteen calls. I knew that it meant that we would both go through a death of some sort, followed by a rebirth. I didn’t like the idea of this, as there was probably another heartache attached to it, although the progress that comes with rebirth is always phenomenal. It is a normal human emotion not to look forward to heartache, so I forgave myself the thought. I also knew that if I could learn to accept it as a small price to pay for the progress to come, it would not be so hard to deal with. It concerned both me and Geoff, as we had been given the message together. Then I realized what it was. It was the end of our working together, and of the close association we had had. Geoff’s life had moved into a different phase, and from now on he would concentrate on his life with Annie. I knew this was as it should be, and wished them all the happiness in the world.
I did feel sad and lonely for a few days – after all, we had been close friends for three years, and Geoff had helped to pull me out of the depths of despair after I ended my relationship with Gary. Especially because he had been my closest friend for so long, I cared about his happiness, and I knew that I had gained another friend in Annie, so how could I feel sad for long? Geoff was still my friend, and now so was Annie. I decided to look forward to the progress I knew would come from this change.
Rebirth doesn’t always have to be traumatic. It is really about learning to cope with changes. Once you stop fighting change, and allow yourself to open up to it, because you know that it needs to happen for you to make progress, and let love (for yourself and others) guide you through it, it becomes much easier. You must allow yourself to grieve for your loss, because that part of your life has finished. After that, the only way forward is to make a conscious decision to allow your new life (the new phase) to start, and be open to new experiences, which will come.
If you’re going through major traumatic life changes, and cannot see the wood for the trees, it helps to look out for one thing in every day that makes you happy – you will find one – and remember those happy moments when you feel down. It really works – I ought to know. An unexpected kiss or cuddle from one of my girls always got me through.
Balancing Polarities
I knew that the only way to make personal progress was to confront my fears. Time after time I had done this, yet every time I thought I had conquered them all, I would always find more. I used to be surprised about that, but as I said before, society has a lot to answer for. Children are brought up with their parents’ fears from birth. For instance, one mother I knew, had been petrified of thunder and lightning all her life, and would not allow her child to look out of the window during a thunderstorm, in case she was hit by lightening. It’s not surprising that her daughter, now an adult herself, is also petrified, and passing this fear on to her own children. But parents are not the only ones to pass on fears. School teachers constantly condition children that they must do well, otherwise they’ll become failures in life. That’s not to mention the programming television provides for their young, impressionable minds. Society dictates our every move in life and governs us through our fears. Insurance for instance, must be the biggest con of all, making us pay for our own fear of accidents or crime! Yet everybody has to have insurance – they’ve even made it law in some cases, so there’s no way to escape these fears – we’re expected, even supposed to have them!
When trying to break through your fears, positive thought is extremely important. In my experience, the most effective way to become a positive thinker is to consciously turn every negative thought into a positive one. For example, if you’re thinking: I could never cope with that, change it to: I will cope with that, if it happens. By becoming aware of your thoughts and doing this every time you have a negative thought, you will eventually re-program your thinking and draw only positive situations towards you. Apart from meditation, it was one of the things I did to overcome all the negativity in my life.
Something else that helps to make your life more positive is to refuse to worry about things that may never happen. There are people who are born worriers, and think up all sorts of negative scenarios. Thought is creative energy, and these people must become aware that they are actually giving life to their fears, by feeding them more and more energy. What they are doing, is actually creating these negative situations, by drawing all this negativity towards themselves. It works like this: you send your thought out into the ether, which hooks up with more of the same energy, and returns to you. So it is very important that you’re aware of what you’re thinking! Negative thought is very destructive, whereas positive thought is constructive, and extremely empowering!
When you start the search for Self, the first thing you will find is fear. What if you don’t like, or can’t handle what you come across? Not surprisingly, many people stop right there, before they’ve even started. Once you realize that doing that is just an ostrich mentality – because whatever you find is a part of you, whether you like it or not – your first barrier has come down. You will come across barriers where you least expect them. Many people who say they’re not afraid of change, struggle against it at the first opportunity. We all know that it’s a natural human condition to be fearful of the unknown. How can we put our trust in something we have no concept of? Although we all deal quite well with minor changes every day, when confronted with big changes, our fears jump up and strangle us. All of our lives we’ve been conditioned to think only rationally, and the rational mind prefers facts. The unknown confuses and frightens it. This is when we need to fall back on the abilities of our feminine side. We’re not encouraged to use our intuition, instinct or gut feeling, because what we can’t see or prove is unknown and frightening, and some people even claim that therefore it doesn’t exist! Personally, I think these people are totally governed by their fears.
We have so many fears because we’ve been conditioned to only think rationally and deny half of our being. But does our brain not consist of two halves – the rational or masculine side and the intuitive/emotional or feminine side? What about a concept like love? We can’t see it, nor can we prove that it exists, but we all know that we need it! In my personal experience, the intuitive/emotional side of our brain is the doorway to the soul. It is the way in to the subconscious and our deeper knowledge of our spiritual being and origins. Intuition is the first step towards humanity, after the spark of life – a spark which can only come from the Light. It is the side that ‘just knows’, because it feels when something is right. Most mothers have experienced their baby’s reaction to anxiety while still in the womb. It’s picked up instantly, often before the mother’s physical symptoms are apparent. The intuitive side of the brain must therefore already be developed at birth, and sees us through the first years of our lives. Babies and children are amazingly intuitive, and pick up on their parents’ moods within seconds. They are intuitively drawn to people who are kind and loving, and shy away from those who aren’t. Small children often see and communicate, as my youngest daughter did, with spirits, which are usually called ‘imaginary friends’ by deluded (programmed and probably frightened) adults. Again, when confronted with something they can’t see, they won’t even acknowledge its existence, which must be very confusing for the child.
The masculine side of the brain is initially developed to communicate the feelings a child experiences, like hunger, pain or pleasure. Of course, its main programming begins when a child goes to school. We realized the potential of this side of the brain a long time ago, especially when it came to money or power. A lot of wonderful progress has been made through the development of the rational. However, because of our society’s constant, obsessive preference of the masculine rational side, while ignoring, ridiculing and even vilifying the feminine intuitive side, we have to a large extent lost the abilities of the feminine side. Therefore, we’ve lost our mental balance, causing stress, anxiety, depression and mental illnesses.
As we work on three levels, this means that we have also lost our emotional balance – the ability to express our feelings, and our physical balance – the ability to heal ourselves. Men have worse problems with expressing their feelings than women, mainly due to harsh and – to my mind – ludicrous programming, but we have all lost the ability to heal our own bodies. The search for Self can rectify all of this, because we naturally start by exploring our own feelings, our feminine side. It takes a lot of courage for most of us to ‘look in the mirror’ for the first time and admit to the truth of what we see, but by being truthful and honest with ourselves, we will eventually find inner peace and harmony. Not until we have brought ourselves back into balance can we join the two and find the middle ground in the centre of these polarities (opposites). To put this into physical, visual terms, look at a rainbow. It miraculously appears when it is raining and the sun shines at the same time. We are all in awe of its beauty, but it only appears when the two opposites of rain and sun come together under the right conditions. Isn’t getting wet a small price to pay to see the beautiful colours of a rainbow in all its glory? We all have that same glorious beauty inside of us, and through the search for Self we can create the right conditions that will allow it to appear!
Breaking Down Barriers of Fear
Once I knew what my last rebirth was about, it was quite easy to release my feelings of sadness and focus on the progress ahead. Strangely, I didn’t feel the peace of mind I had expected to feel. Instead, I felt at odds with just about everything in my life. I again felt irritated by the ‘herd of sheep’ mentality I saw all around me, wherever I went. Seeing people dressed according to the latest fashion and denying their individuality. Hearing people speak, not voicing an opinion of their own, but echoing the mass programming of the television. I was beginning to feel like physically shaking them and shouting at them to wake up. Was anyone aware of anything? Although I tried to detach myself from these feelings, after a few days of observing people from all walks of life I was becoming quite depressed, and realized that I would have to go inside to find out why I was feeling all this anger towards society.
Strangely enough, I felt an aversion to going inside which I’d never felt before. I tried reaching for the Light, but was confronted with my cave time after time. Yet for some reason I couldn’t go inside. I was reading through some of my poetry to try and make some sense of this, when I came across a poem I had written about the eruption of Mount Etna. It ended with the effect it was likely to have on humanity, the unleashing of the powers of the soul. The words suddenly took on new meaning, because I felt like a volcano was about to erupt inside of me.
I had found another barrier, a fear I had to break through. If I could only put my finger on it, and know what it was about, I might know a way to overcome this fear. So I asked myself some questions. Why was I so afraid to go down into my cave? I knew I’d have to go deep this time. As I felt like a volcano about to erupt, it would have to be very deep. Was I afraid to go so deep that I might find my inner core? Or was I afraid of what it might do to me? Would it erupt and unleash the power of my soul? And if so, why was I afraid of it? Going down into my cave had only ever resulted in great progress. It had never had any adverse effects, but then I had always felt in control of what was happening, as I had always instigated things myself. This time it seemed like I was to allow my spirit to take control. That had to be the fear barrier I was dealing with, but surely I had done that before? Thinking back on my spiritual experiences, I realized that I hadn’t. I had given control over to Spirit, but that was different. This time I was to allow my own spirit free rein. Was I afraid of my own power? Or was I afraid it would change me, my self – the person I had come to know, respect and feel happy with? As so often happens, by asking myself questions, and answering honestly, I had found my first answer. I was afraid of the unknown. I was afraid to lose the person I had worked so hard to become. What would I be like afterwards? Deep down, I was also afraid of the power of my soul. What if I couldn’t cope with it? What if unleashing it caused me inner conflict? Would I be able to continue living a normal life, with powers like that? I realised this would not be an easy barrier to break through. It was definitely the hardest yet, as it brought up more and more fears.
With every barrier I’ve broken through, I have found greater freedom. Firstly, I freed myself from a fear. Secondly, from the negativity attached to it. Thirdly, from the restraints it put on my thinking, and therefore on my life. It may sound contrary, but it was quite frightening the first few times I did it. The reason for this of course, was that it was new, and totally unknown to me, and I was as afraid of the unknown as the next person. However, I have always been stubborn, and at that stage, a kind of ‘devil may care’ attitude had taken over. I decided that if I had the courage to leave my violent husband, then I could do anything. And was I not trying to find out who I was? I realized that I would never know if I closed myself off from change. I also had the support and encouragement from Spirit. My confidence was growing, which gave me such power over my own life that I wouldn’t have stopped for anything! If I had been told at that stage how much more power I would find, I would not have believed it.
Breaking barriers means breaking chains that have held you. Some of these will have held you back for most of your life, like fears passed on by parents, and others you will have picked up along the way, like society’s programming. Either way, when they fall away, you’ll find that you have to re-think your principles, your way of life, values, attitudes, everything. All the things you always thought were right, now feel wrong. The whole framework you lived by and felt secure in has been swept away, like the rug being pulled from under you. Even when you know it happened for the right reasons, it can make you feel lost for a while. You’ll feel like your life is in total chaos. This may initially give you a feeling of panic, because it seems like all your rational ways of dealing with life are suddenly useless, and all you have left to rely on are your intuition and feelings. Let me put your mind at rest. Chaos always precedes enormous progress, but only if you don’t try to fight it. Try to relax into it, let yourself be guided by your intuition and your feelings, and you’ll find it gets much easier. By the time you go through chaos, you will already have made enormous progress, and will be able to cope with it, or you would not be experiencing it. Trust that it is necessary to go through this, to find your inner power. You will be helped and protected, and it will end eventually. What will you be when you come out of the other end of chaos? You will be stronger, wiser, more relaxed and able to cope. In fact, you’ll feel that if you can cope with chaos, you can cope with anything! Chaos transforms you and brings you a big step closer to who you can be, and will one day be.
It is essential that we break through our fear barriers, not only to get a wider perspective of who we really are, but also for our mental and physical health. Some barriers are very difficult to break through, but the harder the barrier, the greater the progress. If you refuse to face them you’ll be confronted with them time and again, creating a worse scenario every time, to the point where they manifest physically, until you do. Fear is at the root of every illness and disease. (Genetic illnesses are the result of fears not dealt with in past lives, or Karma) If we look at the word dis-ease, meaning not at ease, or ill at ease, it speaks for itself. When you’re uneasy, it points to a fear of some sort. For example, imagine you are very upset about something. You feel a lump in your throat, and have the urge to cry. The emotional energy centre of the body, the throat, is out of balance, and is likely to cause you to have a physical pain in the throat. If you cry at the time you feel the lump in your throat, it will gradually diminish and stop the pain of an imbalance. If you don’t cry however, perhaps because you feel embarrassed or because ‘men don’t cry’, this imbalance will only get worse over time, and eventually cause a physical illness.
We must remember that the body takes its cue from the brain – in this case the feminine emotional side. It will react in exactly the same way to the masculine side, through stress for instance. If you are mentally overloaded, you feel ‘burdened’. If this situation continues for any length of time, your burden becomes too heavy and you may end up with a back problem. (We carry a load on or with our backs) This will force you to take it easy by resting and letting go of your responsibilities for a while. If after a period of enforced rest, you haven’t learned the lesson from this and get into the same situation again, you will only have the same problem, which is likely to be worse than the last time. Eventually this can cause a chronic back problem. The only way to avoid the pain at that stage is by refusing to allow anything that causes you stress into your life.
Cutting the stress out of your life isn’t easy, but very effective and worthwhile – it has made a big difference to my own back problems. I’ve felt better in the past few years than I did when I was younger. The first specialist I saw had told me that I would be very lucky if I wasn’t in a wheel chair by the age of forty. Well, I’m still walking – ‘on borrowed time’, he would most probably say. The forty ‘limit’ passed years ago, and I see no reason for this to change in the near future. The MRI scans still show up serious problems with my back – that hasn’t changed, but the pain isn’t as bad or as frequent as my specialist would expect from this. Giving healing has also been a major contributory factor. I am a medium for healing, which means that whenever I give healing, it comes through me first, and I have no doubt that it’s made a big difference.
Although I knew I would have to deal with my frustration, I was still not able to go inside my cave. This was a big barrier for me to break through, because I would have to deal with my most basic programming and confront my most ingrained fears. Why I felt it was bigger than others I had faced, I couldn’t really say, and why I had any fear at all, I didn’t know either. I had always been guided and protected by Spirit, so there was no need for it. I knew that this would be a big step in my spiritual development, because I would be looking for my inner core – using my own spiritual power. I think actually claiming it as mine was quite frightening.
I got fed up arguing with myself in the end, and finally went into my cave to look for my core. Strangely, although I tried to go down the spiral stairs, I found myself in a large, semi dark conference room, with lots of books on bookshelves on every wall. Not only that, the room was full of people. They all looked angry or worried, and they were waiting to ‘talk some sense into me’. I decided I could do without this. I had finally found the courage to look for my core, and I couldn’t be bothered with them. I came back out of the room, thinking to find my way down, but instead came out of the meditation. I tried again, and again ended up in this conference room. I left again.
I was pretty cross, and sat there wondering who those people were. I had never seen so many people in my cave. The only people I had found in my cave before had turned out to be ………a part of me!!! I had given myself the answer.
They had all looked like authority figures, so they probably represented society’s programming, which I had been exposed to all my life. How could I ever break though this kind of barrier? I decided to have a cup of green tea and think about it. Then I remembered how the only way I had been able to cope with the concept of having power the last time, was by changing my self-perception, and viewing myself as spirit, temporarily hampered by a human body. It suddenly struck me that I was also hampered by a human mind! My spirit wasn’t programmed, it was free! It didn’t have any fears, and could easily overcome each and every one of those authority figures! I never thought that ‘giving my spirit free rein’ could have been meant like this!
CHAPTER 14
The Bridge
I went back into my cave, and was straight back in the conference room. As soon as the people saw me come in, they all rushed towards me and spoke at the same time. Together they represented such a mountain of fears concerning what I wanted to go and do, that I had to tell them all to sit down and be patient, to stop myself from feeling overwhelmed by their panic. I took a moment to allow my spirit to take over. Although it felt strange to do this, I knew with a deep certainty that it was the right thing to do.
I began to shine Light much brighter than I had believed I possessed, and the Love I felt for all these people who wanted to hold me back was incredible. My fears manifested themselves in so many different ways in this large crowd of people, that it amazed me. I was aware of all of them at once, as if they all spoke to me at the same time, yet I heard every single one of them separately. I answered them all at once as well, just by focusing on them, forgiving them for their fear, and embracing them with my Love. As I did so, they disappeared. My Light became brighter, and my Love became stronger with each disappearance.
When the whole conference room was empty of people, and filled with Light, I could see every book on the shelves. They were books of Wisdom – the wisdom I had gathered myself, throughout all of my lifetimes – the Wisdom of my Soul. This had been a consolidation of my Self because of my spirit’s Love and willingness to forgive. Never before had I felt so strong and powerful. I felt like I could take on the Universe! My human conditioning had bowed to the loving wisdom of my spirit. Spiritual power far surpasses any human power, and my human side couldn’t even imagine what my spirit is capable of before. The spirit’s abilities are infinite!
To allow my spirit control I had tried to switch off rational thought, and work purely on my intuition and faith in my own abilities. Yet, although I tried to hand over control to my spirit, this didn’t happen. Rather, it empowered me and held me close in Love. Not for a split second did I feel I wasn’t totally in control. (The spirit is in fact our driving force, so how could I have passed control over to it? It always has control! It was however necessary for me to give my rational mind a ‘back seat’ as such!) I became Spirit, we were One. I am a spark of the Light, a part of Spirit, and all I really did was join with the Power, the Source, which is there for all of us to tap in to.
I came out of the conference room, eager to go down the spiral stairs to find my core, my power base. I knew I had only achieved part of what I had set out to do. By overcoming all of my programming – by using the rational (masculine) part of my mind and balancing it with my loving intuitive (feminine) side, I had found and claimed wisdom that far surpassed any human wisdom. To claim my power as well would be the ultimate Self knowledge, and I was willing to do anything at all to achieve it!
Standing at the top of my spiral stairs, I was feeling too impatient to walk down. My thought changed the stairs into a slide, and I started going down, spiralling round and round. I was moving faster and faster, going deeper and deeper down into my cave. When at last I reached the bottom, I found myself in a warm, womb-like place. It was semi dark, and it smelled like the summer forest after a thunderstorm, a lovely earthy smell. Looking at the damp, fertile soil at my feet, I wanted to plant some seeds. This was my own fertile soil, and I planted the seeds of Love, Wisdom and Understanding, because I couldn’t think of anything I wanted more. When I’d finished, I stood up and looked around me. There was what looked like a round cover on the ground, to the left of me, and wondering what this could be, I opened it. The first thing I noticed was the heat, and when I looked down into it, I knew I had found what I’d come looking for. Deep down in the ground was an enormous fire, and boiling magma was bubbling below. It was my inner core, my power base.
The only way I could think of to claim my power was to join with it, so I jumped into the furnace, which consumed me instantly. Fire consumes and transforms, and I totally lost ‘me’ for an indeterminate time. There was perfect peace and a feeling of floating, and then suddenly I was aware of an enormous blast and a blindingly bright flash. I felt myself being propelled upwards at tremendous speed, into a Light more brilliant than I’d ever seen before, that made me feel blissfully happy. I stayed there for a short time, and then my meditation finished. I felt absolutely euphoric. I had done what I’d set out to do, and had a sense of real achievement. I knew I had just gone through another rebirth, which meant I’d reached a new level of awareness. Using the wisdom of my soul, I had broken through my programming and claimed my own spiritual power.
I can’t say that I had any idea at the time of the enormity of what I’d achieved. I knew I had taken a big step forward, as any rebirth is, and I knew that I’d be even more in control of my life, but how this would manifest itself I could not imagine. Because of this rebirth, I went into another period of adjustment during which there was no spiritual contact.
All of this happened in early December, but it wasn’t until the end of January that I finally understood the full importance of it. One of my friends had leant me a book which he thought I might find interesting. It was called: “Prophecies to take you into the 21st century”, by Moira Timms. This book turned out to be an amazing eye opener. Not only did it shed light (or maybe I should write Light) on many subjects that had intrigued me for a long time, but I was astonished to read her description of the concept of “Hemi- synch”, the perfect union of the two sides of the brain, also known as the “Antakarana” of Hinduism, or “The Rainbow Bridge”.
It is where the ‘head’ and ‘heart’ merge in perfect union, to ignite the three-fold flame of Love, Wisdom and Power, which is considered to be the accomplishment of the initiate – one who has achieved the highest degree of spiritual development!
It totally bowled me over! I could not believe that I had done this, yet her description matched my experience so accurately, that it was uncanny. I had even planted the seeds of Love and Wisdom before joining with my Power! (Wisdom comes through Understanding of course) I had never even heard of the Rainbow Bridge before reading the book. Nobody I knew had heard of it, apart from Geoff. When I told him about my experiences, and then what I had read in the book, he was quite excited, and absolutely convinced that I had achieved the Rainbow Bridge. I can’t say that I was quite as convinced myself, but I decided to be patient and see what effect it would have on my life. There was just one thing that bugged me about Moira Timms’ description of the Rainbow Bridge. I think it is more accurate to speak of the mind rather than the brain, as the process is spiritual. It is however true that the mind and the brain work in unison, with the mind as the spiritual ‘director’ of the physical brain.
Breaking Free
That was the start of an extremely busy and eventful year for me. As I’ve mentioned before, my youngest daughter has always been very hyperactive. When I got to know Gerald Green, I asked for his advice on this, and he suggested that I stopped her having cow’s milk and related products. She also had quite bad eczema, and he told me that this was often the result of intolerance to cow’s milk.
Only two weeks after taking it out of her diet, the eczema had totally disappeared. I also noticed a marked improvement in her behaviour. She was still hyper and over-emotional, but it was reduced by about a third, which was a great improvement, and made life a little easier. As time went on however, the problems continued, and when she was nine I decided to have her tested for food allergies. This showed that she had a reaction to a whole list of foods, drinks and E-numbers, as well as a deficiency in some vitamins and minerals. I was told that some of these were strong indicators of the likelihood that she had ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Although I had suspected this for a long time, I had not had her tested for it, because I didn’t want her to be labelled as ‘Trouble’. People tend to judge others too quickly as it is, and I wanted to protect her from their prejudice. Instead, I decided to try if I could gently modify her behaviour by gradually cutting out all the items she reacted to. It was very hard for her, but with a lot of encouragement and support, she managed. After only three months, the difference in her behaviour was amazing. She was a totally different child. She was calm, not argumentative, and emotionally stable. I was enormously proud of her.
She had been very unhappy at school for various reasons, and I had become more and more annoyed with the teaching methods they used. The teachers always complained that she was disruptive in class, and called her lazy for not doing her work. In her second year of primary school, I realized that my daughter had problems reading and writing, and asked the school to test her for dyslexia. Her father is severely dyslexic, which caused him serious problems at school, where it was not discovered until he was fourteen, which had done nothing for his self esteem.
The school promised to do the test. For three years I kept asking and begging them to test her, but I got nothing but promises. As I wasn’t getting anywhere, I involved a health visitor, who only referred me back to the school. Not only did the bad reports and the complaints continue, but after sitting a S.A.T.S. test (which caused her to feel so stressed that she was physically sick), and not reaching the level expected of her, the results were openly discussed in class, which upset her and left her open to ridicule from other pupils. Only one of her teachers was sympathetic, but he still couldn’t arrange for her to be tested. (I found out much later that it was this school’s policy to spend their money on pupils that achieved rather than on extra help for pupils with special needs, as they could increase government funding by producing higher overall results!) I started giving her extra help at home, and soon realized that she learned more in the two hours a day that I spent teaching her, than she did in a whole week at school!
After she had been on the diet, and I had given her extra tuition at home for about three months, I went to see her teacher, to find out how this had affected her work and behaviour at school. He told me that she had improved a great deal over the past few months, which he, quite arrogantly put down to his own teaching. I told him about the extra tuition I had given her at home, which he dismissed as something all parents do.
I was cross about this, but it is not unusual in my experience of a lot of teachers in this country. They arrogantly seem to think that they are the only ones who could possibly teach a child, and are extremely patronizing to parents, treating them as idiots. I bit my tongue, and also explained about the food tests and the results gained from them. He laughed at me, and told me that she could not possibly have ADHD, and that the tests must be wrong! I decided at that stage that there was no point in continuing the conversation, so I left. I was furious, and had to walk away, or I would have given him a piece of my mind, which would not have helped my daughter.
Three months later, this teacher was off sick, and his stand-in was a lady ‘of the old school’, who thought that children should be seen and not heard. I have always taught my girls that they’re allowed to voice an opinion, as long as they do it in a civilized way and at the appropriate time. This teacher apparently considered this out of order, as my daughter was dismissed from class three times a day on average, and sent to the (temporary) headmaster. He would then proceed to tear her off a strip, and punish her by not allowing her out at break time. All of this resulted in my daughter getting distressed to the point were she refused to go to school. I found out after two weeks of this, that this stand-in teacher was to be the new headmistress of the school, which made up my mind for me. I took my daughter out of school, and have never looked back.
The system had failed her abysmally, as it had also failed my two older daughters by then, for very different reasons. My eldest had received no help for her problems either. At one point, she insisted that she wanted to have her nose pierced. I had asked her to wait until the summer holidays, as the high school she attended didn’t allow pupils to wear nose studs (it was against their uniform rules), and it would take about six weeks to heal. She decided to go ahead with it anyway. One afternoon I came home from shopping and found her sitting at the kitchen table with a frozen chip up her nose (which caused quite a giggle), while piercing her nose with a safety pin! This caused no end of trouble at school of course. I had done my damage-limitation bit, by persuading her to wear a tiny stud, instead of the ring she had wanted to wear in her nose. She got into trouble when one of her teachers noticed it, as she refused to take it out because the hole would have closed up. Her (male) teacher marched her to the deputy headmaster’s office, where she was told to sit down. They then closed the door to the (female) secretary’s office, and proceeded to intimidate my then fifteen year old daughter, by shouting at her while standing over her chair together. She was suspended from school and told to come back with me a week later.
Needless to say, I was furious when she came home and told me what had happened. Intimidation by two men was the last thing she needed after all the violence she’d had to cope with at an early age. I had made a point of telling the school about it when I first applied for a place for her there, and asked for support for her, which she never received. All this fuss over a nose stud the size of a pinhead! I wrote letters to the headmaster and his deputy, and also to the education authority, to no avail. I never even received a reply from any of them.
I arrived at the school with my daughter at the appointed time a week later, to see the head master and his deputy. They were pompous and arrogant to start with, but they had in no way anticipated my reaction to their treatment of my daughter. I very calmly but firmly put my point across. They were squirming in their seats, and could not deny that my daughter had been the victim of intimidation. I insisted they apologized to her, which was obviously a serious humiliation to them, and wouldn’t leave until they had done so. As I wasn’t offensive or rude, they couldn’t just dismiss me, and in the end there was nothing they could do but apologize to my daughter. I was never called to the school again.
My middle daughter had had to be hospitalized because of serious allergies, and had fallen behind on about three months of school work, for which I had asked for support from the same school, which was never forthcoming. I had sent them three letters while she was in hospital and recuperating at home, but none had ever been answered. When she finally went back to school, she was ridiculed by the other pupils for the temporary scarring she had sustained from her allergies, and told she was stupid because she was behind in subjects that they had all studied while she was in hospital. A few weeks later she had another mild allergic flare-up, which was not bad enough for her to stay off school. When she arrived however, she was sent to the nurse because her teacher thought her rash might be contagious! As the nurse wasn’t there that day, they decided to send her home. She came home in tears, and told me that she wasn’t going back to school, because she’d had enough of their ignorance. I could only comfort her and agree with her. She had been through enough.
I have never understood how the British education system expects to educate children, and especially teenagers, by trying to break their spirit. They discourage individuality to the point where it is treated as a crime to be different. How can we ever have a balanced society if everybody is made to follow orders, and actively discouraged from thinking for them selves? And why, when a child cannot help being different – as we all are naturally – do they go all out to break this child’s spirit through intimidation and humiliation? It’s no wonder that there are so many rebellious young people in this world. Nor is it surprising that so many people are unable to express themselves, have very low self-esteem and untold other hang-ups. If we are discouraged all our young lives from expressing our individuality and our feelings, how can we even begin to find out who we really are – where could we start? The powers that be want us all to become like sheep, because when people are used to just following the herd, they’re easier to control, and cause less trouble than individuals who think for themselves!
Together with Annie, I visited a support group for parents of ADHD children for a while, which confirmed my belief that my youngest daughter was a sufferer, as the behaviour and symptoms they described when speaking about their children, described hers to a tee. However, all their children had been prescribed Ritalin (a mind altering, highly addictive drug, which has now been proven not to work at all) to control their symptoms, and sleeping pills to make them sleep. None of these parents had questioned whether there was any alternative to this kind of treatment. When I suggested that they could try a special diet, like I had done, to control their children’s symptoms instead of the addictive drugs, they were not even interested in hearing about it, as it would be too time consuming and complicated. I was incredulous, and asked them if they loved their children at all, which caused an absolute uproar. They much preferred to fill their children full of drugs and turn them into addicts, because it was easier than following a diet! Needless to say, I didn’t bother going after that.
Although my youngest daughter was very difficult to bring up, she taught me an awful lot of patience, and because of her, I had to learn to control my temper. It was difficult, but we would never learn anything if life was always easy. I doubt those parents ever thought about what they might learn from having children with ADHD. When I think about the progress I’ve made because of my daughter, I can only be grateful as she’s helped me to become the person I am.
She is a very gifted child. Not only did she see spirits and had past life memories when she was very young, but she started giving healing before she was three years old, by joining me when I was treating a friend. Without being prompted or having anything explained, she found problem areas and put her little hands on them, with amazing results! She is also extremely psychic, and has never lost the ability to see spirits.
I know she is a very special person, as she is one of the Indigo Children (also called Magenta Children). These are gifted spirits, born between 1992 and 1995, with a deep purple-blue hue to their aura, who have come to affect changes, to help us adjust to the higher spiritual vibration we are moving into, as Oreon had explained. These children are often fair-haired and blue-eyed like my daughter, and sadly they are often outcasts. They don’t ‘fit in’, and cannot or will not adhere to society’s outdated programming. This again is because people are afraid of change, and therefore closed off to these children’s special gifts. Many children with ADHD are Indigo Children. It makes me very sad to think that through ignorance, laziness, apathy and society’s programming, doctors and parents have turned them into zombies with Ritalin and sleeping pills for years. What price will humanity pay for this ignorance and fear? What price for the loss of their gifts? Instead of welcoming them with love, we treat them like lepers!
I had never considered myself capable of teaching my daughter at home before I started giving her the extra help with her school work, but I found that I had a natural aptitude for it. She was very reticent of doing any work at all, saying that she was useless at it, and that she couldn’t do anything right anyway. Such was the negative mindset that the school’s programming had left her with. It took a lot of creative thought to blend subjects together and turn it into some kind of game, so that she didn’t always realize that she was actually learning something. We also did a lot of art and creative work, as it helped her to express herself, and to encourage creative vision. The best thing however, was that I could teach her what I felt was important, and didn’t have to stick to any rigid system. I also taught her meditation, which helped her to focus. I wanted to help her to become a well balanced and positive person, which I consider to be far more important than any teaching a school can provide.
We also found enormous amounts of physical freedom, as we were not bound to time and could go on as many trips as we liked, educational or otherwise. These trips were aimed at giving her a wider understanding of different ways of life, which will hopefully keep her mind free from the mental barriers so many people are hemmed in by. Teaching her was far more rewarding than I ever thought possible, and I will never regret doing it.
CHAPTER 15
New Challenges
Being a single parent and dealing with my eldest and youngest daughters’ problems meant that my middle daughter often lost out on my time and attention when she was younger. Thankfully, she has always been a very self-contained person who follows her intuition and knows her own mind. She is also very telepathically gifted, and seems to naturally attract the good things in life. At the age of eighteen, she had been in a happy, steady relationship for some time, and was pregnant with my first grandchild. She was still living at home, while her partner was away a lot, working to provide her and the baby with a comfortable home. We have always been close, and I was happy to support her throughout her pregnancy. Although a lot of people were of the opinion that she was too young to have a baby, my daughter and her partner were very happy about it, and so was I, as I knew that she would make a very loving and capable mother.
I see my own role as a mother as a supporting and guiding role and not as a controlling one. I have always taught my girls to make up their own minds, and make their own decisions, but also to realize that they would have to live with the consequences of their actions. They are all independent thinkers, and I have always encouraged them in that, so that they would be able to cope with the ups and downs of life. Like me, they all like their own space, and it wasn’t always easy trying to teach a lively eleven year old at home while supporting my older daughter through her pregnancy at the same time, but with lots of love we managed.
I have always loved camping, and that summer I had decided on a trip with my youngest during the summer holidays, as much to give my pregnant daughter a break, as for the two of us. We wanted to see the stone circles at Stonehenge and Avebury, as we had never been there, and because it would be useful as a history project at the same time. I had also found information about a Rainbow Circle Camp on the internet, and as they were camped about four hours’ drive away from Stonehenge, we decided to give them a try.
We thoroughly enjoyed visiting the stone circles – Avebury a little more than Stonehenge, because we were able to walk amongst the stones and take in the atmosphere of the place. The camp turned out to be just what I’d been looking for. It was what they called a ”Magic Hat” camp, which meant that everybody paid what they could afford, and contributed to the running of the camp in any way they could. It was an absolute heaven for us! It was family-orientated, peaceful, relaxed, and I was able to contribute by taking daily meditation groups, giving healing, and doing some cooking and food shopping. I also joined in with lots of fun and learning activities, made lots of friends and thoroughly enjoyed myself. My little girl had the time of her life. She had all the freedom she could wish for and children of all ages to play with. To top all that, there were lots of activities and creative workshops to choose from.
It was exactly what I had hoped to find, although I didn’t have a clear idea of what it would be like before we arrived there. There were daily meetings where views could be aired in case of any kind of problem, or if anyone had any suggestions to add to the smooth running of the camp. The next days’ chores were also allocated during these meetings, to anyone who volunteered. We lived like one big commune of about two hundred people. There was a great willingness to help others which I had never seen in normal society. We ate together, made music together, sang and talked together, and we learned to live together. I won’t tell you it was perfect in every way, because where there are people, there will always be problems, but the tolerance and willingness to share and help others that I experienced there gave me hope for the rest of humanity.
I must admit that the search for Self can be a lonely path, and make you feel like an alien, especially while living in normal society. You can get to the stage where you wonder whether you’re going nuts, as there are so few people to talk to about your experiences. Unless the people you speak to are very open minded (or spiritually or metaphysically aware), their reaction is usually negative, either because they don’t understand or because it frightens them. At the camp I was accepted for who I was, and most people were open minded enough to respect my point of view without trying to convince me of theirs. I was never subjected to any kind of ridicule, which is often the reaction to my experiences.
Here I was, in a field full of society’s outcasts, Hippies, New Age travellers and other ‘misfits’, having the time of my life, and feeling totally at peace with the world! I realized that this was a result of my search for Self. If I hadn’t broken the chains of the frameworks and ideas I had lived by before, I would never have considered going to a camp like this. I would still have been governed by prejudice and ignorance. Instead I had given myself and my daughter this great holiday, among people who accepted and welcomed us just as we were. We also found that there were a lot of other home-taught children there, and several others who were on special diets like my daughter. Within a couple of days I saw my lonely little girl blossoming with happiness and brimming with confidence, just because she felt she belonged.
Within two weeks of returning home, my little granddaughter was born. She was a beautiful, healthy, happy baby (I’m biased of course), and adored by us all. In time, they all moved into their own home, and two years later had another beautiful baby, a boy this time.
My eldest daughter fell pregnant around the time that my granddaughter was born. As is the way with girls, they need their mother most when they become a mother themselves, and at last we managed to build a closer relationship again. I still wish I could have done more to help her in the past, but she wouldn’t allow me to, rejecting every offer I made. Thankfully, we managed to hold on to our love for each other. I’ve had to let her live her life her way, but it’s been very hard standing by while watching her go through those difficult times. I was always there for her to call on whenever she wanted to, but she saw any help or advice I offered as interference. Strangely enough, one of the few things she did accept my advice on was her own search for Self. She often asked me to explain dreams she’d had, and it soon became clear to me that messages from her subconscious were filtering through to her conscious mind in the same way it had happened to me when I was young, and when some of her dreams turned out to be recurrent I knew that she was gifted as well. She had always been a very sensitive child, so it didn’t really surprise me. I just hoped that she would see it as a gift rather than fear it. I showed her different ways to meditate, and she soon found one which suited her. She also came to some of my group sessions, which I knew she enjoyed, as we used to talk all the way home.
I have been able to warn her of danger a few times, but sadly not every time. When I did, she was able to avoid getting hurt by taking my advice. I believe this may have helped to reassure her of my love for her, but she was too caught up in the struggle within herself to let me in too much at the time. When she was ready to let me back in, it took me completely by surprise. She was telling me about the latest fix she was in, and started to cry. As I always did, I gave her a hug and told her that I would help her in any way I could. I would only give her advice if she intended to take it however, as it wasn’t usually wanted. She looked up at me, and said that the only time her life ever seemed to go right was when she listened to me. I was so surprised, that I asked her if she meant that, and she nodded. I was very close to tears, and thanked her for saying it. It was the biggest compliment she could have given me, although she didn’t realize it. It was the first sign that I would eventually have my lovely daughter back, and I cannot express how happy it made me.
When she was pregnant, the most amazing change came over her. She was happier and more determined to get her life back on track than I’d ever seen her. She was an absolute joy to have around, and had us all in fits of laughter with her wonderful sense of humour, which we hadn’t seen since she was a child. She eventually gave birth to my eldest grandson, and is a very good mother. During her pregnancy, my two oldest daughters rekindled the relationship they had when they were children, and now get on very well again. When they all come over, the house is filled with happiness and rings with laughter, and my heart sings with a feeling of pure euphoria.
Using Spiritual Abilities
My youngest daughter and I went back to the Rainbow Circle camp for a second year, but found that the atmosphere was very different from the first year. There were a lot of problems with drugs and alcohol, which was the last thing I had wanted to expose my daughter to. I didn’t want to spoil the holiday by taking her straight home, so I kept a close eye on her, making sure that I knew where she was at all times.
One night, there had been a fight, and the organisers and mediators of the camp were trying to stop any more trouble. Apparently one of the trouble makers was a big, burly guy called Rodney, who was over six foot tall, and covered in tattoos and piercings. They had asked several big men to come with them before confronting him and asking him to leave. He had refused because he’d been drinking, and didn’t want to lose his driving license for driving under the influence. In the end they agreed that he could go in the morning, but insisted that he moved his camper to the car park for the night.
I was camped at the side of the car park – usually a quiet spot – as I needed a peaceful space away from the hustle and bustle, to be able to do my healing and meditation. There was a ‘Welcome Dome’ by the entrance, where new arrivals were greeted, registered, and paid their contribution. Just beside it was a small tent, which belonged to the woman who worked in the dome. When Rodney arrived, he parked his camper behind the Welcome Dome, and right opposite my tent, about thirty feet away. I wasn’t worried about this, although loud music was blaring from his camper. I had heard what had happened earlier that evening from two of my friends, who had come over to my tent for a cup of tea. They were still there when Rodney arrived, and said I should complain to the camp leaders, as playing loud music was against the rules. I decided not to make a fuss, and to give him the chance to cool down.
About an hour later they wanted to go back to their tents, as it was getting late, but because Rodney’s music was still blaring out defiantly, they were afraid he would cause more trouble, and didn’t want to leave me. I told them not to worry, as I could deal with it, but they wouldn’t leave. After another half an hour, I decided to go and have a chat with Rodney. My friends didn’t like the idea, but said they would stay until I came back.
While walking over, I surrounded myself with Light, and put a cloak of power and protection around me. I knocked on his door, which was open, and took a step back. He rushed out aggressively, obviously ready for another confrontation. I smiled at him, told him my name and that I was in the tent opposite, and asked what the matter was, as he seemed upset. He was taken aback, as he hadn’t expected that. He visibly tried to control his temper to tell me what had happened that evening, but as his story progressed, I could see that he was getting uptight again, as he obviously felt wronged. Trying to diffuse his anger, I told him that we didn’t all feel the same, and gave him a hug, with a big dose of healing thrown in. He staggered back from my hug, and gave me a look of total astonishment. “What did you just do to me?” he asked. With a smile, I told him that I’d given him healing, because I thought he needed it, as he was upset. Still looking amazed, he asked how I did that, and I told him that we could all do it if we wanted to. He obviously didn’t know how to take that, but he must have been curious, as he asked me in to his camper and offered me a drink. I accepted, and said a cup of tea would be nice. As we went in, he turned his music down and put the kettle on.
I hadn’t expected Rodney to be aware of anything when I gave him healing, as people don’t usually realise. I was amazed at his reaction, although I had given him a big surge of healing energy, to make sure that I didn’t get any of his energy in return when I hugged him. Usually, when people hug, there is an exchange of energy, and I didn’t want any of his anger (negative energy). According to what I’d been told earlier, Rodney had been drunk, and I had expected him to have carried on drinking. Going on past experience with my ex-husband, this was likely to have made him even more aggressive than before. And yet, Rodney was in no way aggressive now, not even angry. He was friendly and amenable, and made me feel very welcome in his camper. He made me a cup of tea, and we sat and chatted about healing, which he’d never experienced before.
My friends, who had been at my tent, left when they saw I was fine, waving to me as they went. Rodney noticed and laughed, saying that they needn’t have waited in case I needed protection, as I had a lot more power at my disposal than most people dream about! We had a bit of a giggle about this, and I said that I’d told them not to worry. I asked him whether he’d been drinking earlier, as he didn’t strike me as being drunk at all. I could tell he was on something, but didn’t know what. He showed me some white powder, telling me it was Ketamine (a strong animal tranquiliser). I asked him why he was taking that, and he told me he liked the ‘buzz’ it gave him. He offered me some, but I declined, saying that I didn’t need that kind of ‘buzz’, as I got whatever I needed form connecting with the Light. He said he could believe that, after what I’d done to him, and told me I was a very special, gifted lady. I thanked him, telling him that the Light was accessible to everyone, and that I could show him if he liked, when he was straight. He said he’d like to try, as whatever I’d done to him had made him feel great. I also told him that he’d probably never want to touch that stuff again. He just laughed at that. We talked for hours, and I finally went back to my tent at four in the morning.
The next morning, Rodney was still asleep by the time I left for my meditation group, and when I came back he was gone. It turned out that the organizers had called the police while he was still asleep. They had asked them to wake him up and make him leave the site, while they stood by and watched. Not one of them had had the courage to confront him and ask him to leave. I was absolutely disgusted with them all, as I cannot abide that kind of cowardice.
Later on that day, I was amazed when the woman from the Welcome Dome came up to me, and told me that she knew I had approached Rodney the night before. Admitting that she’d been too frightened to make her presence known, she told me that she’d been in her tent all along, and had heard every word that had been said. She looked at me like I was some kind of hero. I was cross, and wanted to know why she hadn’t told the organisers, and stopped them calling the police, when she knew I could have helped. She said she had told them everything, and had tried to stop them, but they wouldn’t listen. They had all been too frightened of Rodney.
Four years after I took my daughter out of school, she point blank refused to work at home, which meant that she’d have to go back to school. She still had problems with dyslexia however, so I found an educational support company, who were able to help by assessing her problems, and ensuring that she was working at the necessary level to re-enter school. I had applied for her to go to a different high school from the one my older daughters had been to, as this particular school had more help in place for children with problems. My application was turned down, and the education authority allocated the other school, as it was closer to where we lived. I could not let her go to this school, because it had already failed my two older daughters, and it was important for my youngest to have a positive experience of school, after the negative experiences of her primary school.
I appealed against the decision, and was granted a hearing. There was an independent panel of three judges, a clerk, and two people from the education authority. Then there was me, alone. It was quite intimidating sitting there alone, but I was determined to fight my corner and not give in. I had been told by many people that the odds were stacked against me winning this appeal, as only one in a hundred appeals were ever won, but I was determined to be that one. I had prepared myself mentally, and I knew my argument was strong enough to win, so I figured that if I stayed calm, argued my case well, and didn’t back down, I could win. With the kind of spiritual support I had, how could I lose? I kept my connection open for any spiritual input during the hearing, and at the end I knew I’d done well. A week later it was finally confirmed that I’d won the appeal. I was absolutely elated!
My daughter went back to school, aged fourteen, after four and a half years of home education. I had expected her to have some problems with settling-in, but she proved me wrong and took to it like a duck to water. I’m so glad and grateful that I was given the impetus and had the courage to take her out of school when I did, as it’s been the making of her. My daughter’s gone from being a frightened, bullied, unhappy, and nervous child, to being a confident, capable, happy and relaxed teenager. Her teachers always comment on how well balanced and grown-up she is, and she is often asked to speak publicly, something many people, especially of her age, find hard to do. She has finally been tested for dyslexia, and although it still causes her problems, the school have told us they believe that she will be one of the top performers of her year.
CHAPTER 16
Insights
During a meditation one day, in which I had gone down into my cave, I saw a young woman. I suddenly changed from being an observer to being this woman. It was pouring with rain, and I was facing a dark wall. Looking around me, I realised that I was in a niche in a wall opposite. When I looked down in the gap between the two walls, I could see that they formed what seemed to be a storm drain, as torrents of water were rushing down at great speed towards a river. I didn’t know what I was doing there. There were some old rags on the floor, which seemed to have served as my bed, and I was wearing a dirty old dress, but I didn’t have any other possessions. I felt very frightened, and I was hiding from something or someone. I tried to reach for Spirit, begging for protection, but my fear was overwhelming. Suddenly a soldier in old fashioned armour appeared, and attacked me with a knife. He viciously cut my throat, and threw me down into the drain. Coming back to myself with the realisation that the young woman was dead, I picked her up and carried her out of my cave. As I walked into the Light with her, she became a part of me, and I came out of my meditation.
I realised that I’d been shown a death I had experienced in an earlier life. Having experienced many past lives in meditation before, it wasn’t the first time I’d seen myself die violently, but there was something about it that intrigued me. I felt that I’d missed something important. I didn’t feel up to going back into it straight away, so I left it until later. I wrote down what I had seen, and wondered why this past life was relevant to what was happening in my life at the time, as is usually the case. I didn’t know why, but I felt that this had happened somewhere in France, and that the water was somehow significant (the pouring rain, torrents of water, a river).
The next day, in meditation, I went back to the storm drain and my hiding place. I looked for whatever it was I could have missed, but didn’t find anything at all. Looking at the water gushing down, I felt drawn into it and I let myself go with it into the river, swimming down to the bottom. The water was dark and murky, and to my horror I found that there were dead bodies all around me. There must have been an absolute blood bath, and I was horrified and very upset. I was about to make my way back to the surface, when I noticed a light shining up from the murky depths. Curiosity got the better of me and I turned around to explore. When I reached the light, I saw that it came from a deep well. As I swam into it, I could suddenly walk around, as if it was a large hall. There was a big crowd of people gathered there. Looking closer, I realised that I was seeing myself, every person I had been in every past life I had lived. I found the young woman whose violent death I had experienced the day before, and asked her why she had been murdered. She told me that she was one of the Albigenses. I didn’t know what that meant, but I thanked her and came out of my meditation. I was very puzzled by all of it, and went over and over it in my mind. I realized that I had found a very significant part of me – something I could only describe as my Well of Soul. Our soul is the part that stores the memory of every experience and every emotion throughout all the lives we live here on Earth. Finding my Well of Soul meant that I could access all of those experiences.
The other thing I still had to figure out was who the Albigenses were. The name struck a chord somewhere in my memory, so I must have heard or read about them before, but couldn’t remember where or when, so I went to my book shelf, to see if any of them might trigger a memory. I sat there looking at my books, asking for direction, and picked up a little old book I had bought from a charity shop, years ago. It was called: The return of the Magi, by Maurice Magre, and inside I found what I was looking for.
The Albigenses or ‘Cathars’, lived in France in the thirteenth century, and believed in peace, and love for their fellow man and all other forms of life. They had reached the highest level of spiritual awareness, and shared or gave away whatever they had, because they had no need of possessions. Not wanting any living creature to be killed for their food, they were also vegetarians. The Albigenses had found the Light of Love inside themselves, and disassociated themselves from normal society and its narrow-minded religious beliefs. The fact that they didn’t believe in a vengeful God obviously didn’t sit well with the Catholic Church, which felt that their power and authority over the masses was seriously threatened by the Albigenses and their ‘hedonistic ways’. The nobles of the time also felt threatened, because the Albigenses’ way of life held up a mirror to their greed. This was not to be tolerated, and for ten years, the Church and the nobles waged a merciless war on these peace-loving people, slaughtering men, women and children, until they were all annihilated.
Their horrific story and terribly unjust treatment at the hands of the establishment had a profound effect on me. The knowledge that I had lived as one of them was mind blowing, but it left me wondering why, if I had reached the highest level of spiritual development in that life, I had had so many other lives since, and had to do the same again in this life? Surely, once the highest level was reached, there was no need to go through the whole process again? I was extremely happy with having done it, and the progress I’d been able to make because of it, but somehow it didn’t seem very logical to have to repeat it. I couldn’t think of any explanation for it, so I meditated and asked.
I was told that the soul represents all the personal life experiences gathered throughout all lives lived by one particular spirit, which are absorbed into the Source (also called the All Soul or the Light of Spirit) at the end of each life. However, the individual spirit also retains its soul memories until such time when this spirit has reached the highest level of progress – enlightenment – and no longer needs to live human lives. At this point, this spirit (with its soul memories) is absorbed into the Light of Spirit for eternity, and no longer exists separately from the Light. The soul represents the individual spirit’s gift to the Source – the gift of experience and wisdom gained during many human lives. At this point, my meditation was disturbed by someone coming to my door, and I couldn’t get back into it. I had had an answer to some of my question but not all of it, and it left me feeling frustrated.
The next day, I met Annie for lunch at our usual café, and told her about my first meditation and the death I had experienced. I wanted to hear what she thought about it, as her views often gave me food for thought, but her reaction wasn’t at all what I had expected. She went as white as a sheet, and looked very shocked. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me that she’d had a very vivid dream a couple of nights before, in which she had opened a door into a room where she had found a large, very old chest. She knew she had to open it, but for some reason she felt scared to do so. Gathering all her courage, she opened the chest and found a young woman inside, whom she instantly knew to be herself. Her throat had been cut, and blood was gushing out, so Annie picked up some old rags which were on the floor, and tried to stop the bleeding, but to no avail. At that point, she had woken up from the dream. Going over the dream in her mind, she was certain that she had been the dying woman in another life long ago.
I was stunned by the similarities between her dream and my meditation – how was it possible for us both to have seen this woman’s death from a cut to the throat, each of us certain of recognising her as ourselves, and the rags on the floor? I asked her to describe to me exactly where the woman’s cut was, as I hadn’t told her, and she pointed to the exact place on her throat! We were at a loss to even begin to try to explain it.
From the moment Annie and I had met, we had been the best of friends, and in a short time we had become very close. We found there was an amazing amount of similarities in our lives. We had both been physically abused as children – Annie by her father and I by my stepfather. We had married the same type of man – the domineering type – and both suffered mental, emotional and physical abuse before getting a divorce. We had two daughters each from our marriages, of the exact same age, born in the same months, and even their births had been incredibly similar! We are both from French decent, and so on. To cut a long story short, there were too many similarities in our lives already, for this latest mystery to be anything other than a pointer to a connection that went deeper than either of us could have imagined. As I’ve mentioned before, you soon realise that coincidence doesn’t exist when you do what I do.
When I came home, I sat down to try to meditate, but there were so many questions going through my mind, that I decided to work things through on paper first, to help me to focus on the questions to ask. There was one woman, whose death we had both experienced as our own – a woman who had reached spiritual enlightenment at a very young age, and at a time when most of humanity was nowhere near ready for this. Although I had been told that spirits who reached enlightenment would be absorbed into the Light, I wondered whether these spirits could choose to have more lives, as the wisdom they had gathered would be a great help to others. If these highly advanced spirits had this choice, could they become two? In a way like a single egg becoming identical twins? According to Universal Law – as above, so below – what happens in one dimension also happens in another. Could this be a way for the Source to grow by creating more spirits? Were identical twins the transition stage for one enlightened spirit to become two separate spirits? If so, they would presumably each carry half the wisdom of the original enlightened spirit, but all the soul memories, and it would explain why I’d had to go through the process again. Could it also explain the possibility that Annie and I both had the soul memories of this one enlightened spirit?
I suddenly felt very excited, because I knew that I had hit on something very profound. This had to be why identical twins are so alike! They don’t just have the same DNA; they also have the same spirit and soul memories! Even when identical twins are separated at birth, their whole lives are incredibly similar, as are their feelings, choices, tastes, and so on. A lot of the time they even feel each other’s pain! At the end of this twinned spirit’s lives as identical twins, are they truly two separate spirits that then go on to have totally separate lives? They would always share the original soul memories however. This had to be the answer to our mystery!
When I meditated and asked if my theory about twin souls was right, all of it was confirmed, and I was told that the young woman we had seen had been mine and Annie’s last life as one, during which she had achieved enlightenment and been brutally murdered for it. Her spirit had chosen to be twinned, as it did indeed have the choice. I asked if I could see us as we had been in the next life, and was shown two very cute, identical little girls, about six years old, with dark curly hair and big brown eyes. It was a very emotional experience for me. I told Annie everything when I next saw her of course, and described the way we had looked in that life, but I wish she could have seen us for herself.
While writing this, I’m told that during each life time, soul twins meet and have a chance to be close, although their time together is usually limited, because they are meant to have their own separate experiences. This would not be possible if they stayed together, because their spirits still feel as one. Soul twins usually don’t know why they feel like this, so Annie and I were extremely lucky to have been given this knowledge. Annie has since moved back to Australia, together with Geoff, and I miss them both, but Annie most of all. I know we’ll be together again one day, and I really look forward to it.
Freedom
I started writing this book in the hope that my experiences might be of help to others, and as proof that it is possible to change your life, just by looking for who you really are. While writing however, I realized how much I hadn’t dealt with yet, as time after time, the tears came. In the beginning they were mainly sad tears, but towards the end they were tears of bliss. It brought home to me just how profound the changes are – how far I’ve come from the person I used to be.
My search for Self started off as the search for my human self, the person I was or could be, because after I had left my husband, I realized that I didn’t have a clue who I was. I had totally moulded myself to become who he wanted me to be, and left my self, the person I used to be, behind. Once I was alone, I had no point of reference left as to who I was. I didn’t know this person, and I felt like an empty shell. Then I realized that the person I used to be was dead, and therefore it didn’t matter. That part of my life was over, and from now on I should see myself as a blank page, on which I could write whatever I wanted, because this was my life, and I could be whoever I wanted to be.
Within four years of starting my search for Self, I was suddenly having spiritual experiences, and it became a search for Soul. It wasn’t something I had planned, it just happened like that. I know now that it was meant to happen that way, because these events were planned before I started this life, in fact I had helped to plan them and been in full agreement with them. All the nasty things that happened early on in my life were necessary, to prepare and enable me to make progress. I wouldn’t change any of it now. In fact, I would do all of it again, happily, just to be where and who I am now. I had to overcome and work through all that bad Karma before I was ready to find my true Self. (Karma is the energy of all the fears and problems that we haven’t dealt with in past lives, which is presented to us again in this life) If it wasn’t for the depths I experienced when I was young, how could I have recognised and enjoyed the heights? How could I have understood the full scope of the differences in myself?
Once I had started the search for Self, or Soul – the totality of who I am – there was no stopping me. I had to know more, and however much I found, it was never enough. It’s what Geoff called “choice-less choice” – once you’ve made the choice to start on this path, you have no choice but to go on. With experiences like I’ve described, would anyone want to? I found happiness like I’d never imagined or experienced, and there was no choice. I never had any kind of preconception of what I might find, for how could I have known? My first big breakthrough was when the door into spirituality opened. Since then, more and more doors have opened, and my search has enriched my life beyond my wildest dreams.
The strange thing is that writing this book has brought so many things into perspective for me. I didn’t really know what my search was about until now. Initially I saw my spiritual experiences as caused by an outer force, which I was somehow able to hook up with, or tap into. I saw my abilities as a gift, something that Spirit had allowed me to do. Initially I saw Spirit as this wonderful Being of Light, which had allowed me to connect with It, gave me Love and support, and helped me to deal with life. I saw It as something separate from me. This has totally changed. The first time I ever saw Spirit, was during my first initiation, the first time I went inside. When I started going into my cave or subconscious, I soon realized that I could shine the Light. That meant that I must also be Spirit – we all are! The spark of life which animates us is this Light. When you put a lot of sparks together, you get light. All the sparks of all living creatures together is an enormous light – the Light of Spirit, also called the All Soul, or the Source of Light and Love. We are Spirit! We are ALL!
I had never seen myself as a courageous person, but breaking through barriers of fear takes courage. I initially explained this as due to my faith and trust in Spirit, this power which was outside of me, but once I realized that I was Spirit, I also had to accept that this was my courage, just like my abilities, my strength, my love, and my power! I had never imagined myself to be as powerful as I found I was, nor that my search would eventually lead me to accept and embrace all this power as my own.
Since Oreon left me, I have seen awesome amounts of Light, and I still communicate telepathically, but I don’t see any spirits. I believe they only show themselves in human shapes when it is necessary. I have seen and experienced the true ‘shape’ of my spirit – which can only be described as a spark, and has no actual substance. It is a spark of pure Light, Love and Power. These are concepts, and can only be understood. You may argue that light can be seen, but this is Light, and can (usually) only be seen psychically or spiritually, not with physical eyes. Because I know what spirits are, they don’t need to show themselves in any kind of human shape to me. Spirits show themselves in ways in which you can understand – they adjust to your vibrational level.
When I first saw the Being of Light, It introduced Itself as Spirit. Martha on the other hand saw Jesus. This confused me at first, until I went over it again in my mind. I realized that Martha, being very religious, saw Jesus, because that was the way in which her mind could cope with, and understand what she was seeing. I wasn’t religious, so the concept of Jesus wouldn’t have meant much to me, whereas it meant everything to her. Anyone who has a spiritual experience like that will interpret what they see within their own concepts and beliefs. People who are brought up in the Christian religion will therefore see Jesus, in the same way that a Buddhist will see the Buddha. Because many people in my spiritual development groups are convinced they see Jesus, I often call this wonderful first spiritual connection energy the Jesus energy. I won’t argue with what they see – it is their truth, and I won’t try to convince them of mine. Nor is it the purpose of this book. People must be free to find their own way in to their own spirituality.
I would like to stress at this point, that I have shared my experiences with you in this book purely as an example, as they are my own personal experiences. When you decide to start your own search for Self, your spiritual experiences will be very different, as you are you, and not me. I can in no way predict what you might experience, but I can guarantee you that it will be different from what you expect, so it’s important to try to keep an open mind. Expectations and preconceptions are barriers in the search for Self, Soul or Spirit.
I feel I should explain the difference in the concepts of soul and spirit, as this may be confusing. The spirit is the part which connects with the Light, the Source, as it is a part of it. Because of this, it is our most powerful part. It is also called our ‘higher self’, although in my view this expression doesn’t come anywhere near close enough to explain what it really is, as words often can’t. The soul represents the sum total of everything we have experienced in all the lives we have lived. It encompasses all the wisdom we have gathered during those lives. When I experienced the Rainbow Bridge, I joined these three parts together. Through the Love of my spirit, I was able to join with the Wisdom of my soul, and so embrace my Power. I am fully connected to the Source now. I very rarely meditate, as trying to establish a connection is no longer necessary for me. I am connected already. I am a part of the Source, surrounded by Love, and the Light is always with me. I didn’t realize this for some time however.
Since I achieved the Rainbow Bridge, I had not been able to meditate. I had found it impossible to connect for a long time, but put it down to the integration time – the time when there is no spiritual contact in order to complete the adjustment to the new vibration. I thought that maybe the achievement of the Rainbow Bridge had been bigger than I realized, and it would therefore take longer. I went into my cave, looking for any new barriers or fears I might have picked up without realizing, but my cave was totally filled with Light, so that couldn’t be the reason for not being able to connect. In the end I just jumped into the Light in my cave, although it somehow seemed too easy – I had always had to make some kind of effort before, even if it was minimal.
I found myself spinning around as if in a vortex, going up. This had happened before after a time of integration, but I’d never experienced anything like this. It took so long, and I was spinning so fast, that it made me feel physically sick. I asked for a break, and the spinning slowed down for a while, after which it sped up again. When it eventually stopped, I was in an extremely brilliant Light. I felt myself floating upwards, into an area full of shape-shifting life forms. I thought to myself that these couldn’t possibly be human, and was instantly asked whether I was. This made me laugh, because I wasn’t of course – I was travelling in spirit form. The shape-shifters made me feel very loved and welcome, and moved aside to let me pass through, as I was still floating upwards. I finally stopped at what looked like a golden corridor. As I started walking into it, I realized that it wasn’t a corridor at all, but a succession of open golden gates or doors. I carried on walking, realizing that if all the gates were open, there were no more barriers. I walked for some time, hoping to find what was at the end. There seemed to be an infinite number of these golden gates, as I could see them stretching ahead and curving around, so I started to run (being impatient, as always). I ran for some time, but my vision never changed, and I realised that I was running around in circles. Of course infinity, like a circle, doesn’t have a beginning or an end, so I realized that this must be my message. I finished my meditation.
It was easy enough for me to explain what I had experienced. I had been taken up to my new vibrational level, which was much higher than before, as the vortex had been extremely long and fast this time. Once at this new level, I had met the shape-shifters. They welcomed me as one of their own – I had the ability to shape-shift into a new way of being. The infinite amount of open gates showed me that I had no more barriers to overcome, no more doors to open, and therefore infinite freedom.
Here was full confirmation that I had indeed achieved the Rainbow Bridge, and was able to shift into any shape I chose, with an infinite amount of possibilities. The world was my oyster, but it left me feeling like I was in a void for a while, because now I had the freedom I wanted, what was I going to do with it? I wanted to help others to find their own inner power to change their lives, but I was already doing that through my groups and my healing, and it is also the purpose of writing this book.
Since I started my search for Self and especially since achieving the Rainbow Bridge, my life has become infinitely happier. I have worked towards greater freedom for a long time, and I have finally achieved it. Emotional freedom came first, followed by freedom of thought, which in turn has led to physical freedom. Over the years I have had to re-evaluate myself, and what I might be able to achieve, time and time again. I now know my potential is limitless. My girls are happy and contented with their lives, we all have a close bond, and I have three beautiful, healthy grandchildren. What more could I possibly ask for? I never thought it possible to feel as much happiness as I do now. I am free and totally surrounded by Love.
Embracing my power has made an enormous difference in my life. I am no longer governed by fears, so I have no need to conform to what society dictates. I am free from my own ego-importance, and have no need to prove myself. I write my own book of life, and live it according to my own rules, according to what I know to be right for me.
Ultimate Goal
You may wonder what the ultimate goal of the quest for Self, or Soul, is. There is an easy answer to that. When we go inside ourselves, searching for Truth with an open mind, we find and connect with the Light. The more people who honestly search for and connect with their true Self, the more Light and Love we bring into this world – something which is desperately needed! We are not powerless, we are far more powerful than we realize! However, there is a far more important goal than changing this world.
Help and support has been sent from the fifth dimension to speed up our return.
We are sorely missed – Spirit wants us to complete this journey and come home!
By searching for the Light inside of us, we find our True Self – Spirit.
We are all facets of ONE boundless and all-powerful Being – ALL.
To experience ourselves as Spirit is to wake from the dream.
It takes us home to All – to the infinite Love in the Light.
Once we wake from the dream, reincarnation stops
And we will live in the Light of Love for eternity!
IT IS TIME TO WAKE UP!
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The Mystery of Self 